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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have wanted half an hours peace?

74 replies

HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 16:56

I've had my mum and brother here all day decorating for me (I'm disabled I can't manage it myself) I've had a pounding headache, I'm in a lot of pain and the kids have been on a high from seeing their uncle who they absolutely adore.
So once my mum and brother left, and before I had to start cooking I asked the little 2 (7 and 9) to play upstairs for a bit. The 14 year old I thought would understand my need for peace and quiet when I've felt unwell all day.

Oh no. The little 2 started climbing and jumping off beds and the 14 year old brought his keyboard downstairs and decided to play it, loudly, without using the headphones it bloody came with.

Now DS1 is in a strop because I said as good as he is at keyboard I don't want to listen to it right now, and DD and DS2 are bitching and arguing about who jumped first.

All I wanted was half a bloody hour. Just half an hour of quiet time.

For what it's worth I am not only disabled, I'm schizophrenic and autistic and the DC do not see their dad at all so I am literally a full time mum. My mums my carer and does what she can to help, but she had to rush off today as my grandma took a fall or she would have stayed and helped me into bed for a bit. (She'll be back later to make sure I take my meds, get a shower and get into bed safely tonight, and if she's not my brother will be)

So given the circumstances AIBU to have wanted half an hours peace?

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:20

I don't ask anything of the 14 year old except to do some basic chores, like keep his room tidy, just like his siblings are expected to. They're definitely not young carers. My mum doesn't live with me 24/7 but she's here at 6am every morning usually until 9pm when she goes home. It's only today she's had to rush off due to her mum taking a fall. And if she has stuff going on like appointments or just needs a day off my brother steps in.

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 09/04/2023 18:21

I would get them registered as young carers though, because although you say that don’t care for you, the fact that you need them to modify their behaviour because of your health conditions means that they do have to care on some level.

If you think about what the 14 year old does when your mum / brother are not around I suspect it will be more than the average 14 year old.

register them. It’s about them, not you.

Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:24

It's really not more than an average 14 year old. He has to clean his room for God's sake. Not wipe my arse.
And I'm not asking them to modify their behaviour for my conditions I asked them because 1. They were acting way more silly than they usually do and 2. They were being much louder than necessary and 3. I had a headache.

Nothing to do with my conditions.

OP posts:
ADHDadvice · 09/04/2023 18:25

HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:11

It's not fair on the 14 year old to have to take his siblings out. I can't expect him to do that.
And they're not registered as young carers because they're not young carers. My mums my carer and does all my care. My kids just have to be kids, which sometimes includes being quiet for half an hour. It's really not that big an ask when they're not tiny.

This is not a helpful response. Your kids are being annoying, yes but turning it into a martyred 'oh I should never expect a break' is overreacting.

Take a deep breath, recognise this is a tough day and at a quieter moment, try and put things in place should this happen again. Nothing expensive or OTT just some DVDs on hand to put in to distract the kids for a bit, or find a local park etc.

Kids aren't going to make your life easier unfortunately, we have to find ways to cope.

Good luck

ADHDadvice · 09/04/2023 18:25

I've quoted the wrong response- I meant the one where you say you'll never expect a break again

Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:28

We've been to the park for the last 2 days.
They're not allowed too much screen time due to my youngest sons eyes the optician suggested an hour a day.

They have a huge garden that they can and have played in today. None of it has stopped them from screaming, shouting and jumping off beds. They've really acted out of character today and I don't know why.

OP posts:
Wishona · 09/04/2023 18:32

I think people unwind in different ways and you need quiet.
Do you have a garden? Send them out for a bit.

Could the older two go for a walk and the younger watch TV?

The 9 year old is old enough to understand when you need peace. Mine can cook full meals by 9 with no supervision.
I think it’s fine to expect help by that age so I would expect them to help your oldest too. It’s less fair if it all falling on one child.

You need to think about a ‘kit’ for these emergencies. Something to keep them occupied.

Mine today made choc crispies with no help. Do you have a microwave? Get them to melt some Easter chocolate and mix in whatever cereal you have. Push it into a tin or a mound on a plate if you have no cases.
Then wash up together and watch a film.

So YANBU but you need to plan for these occasions.

ladydimitrescu · 09/04/2023 18:33

Because it's Easter and they're excited and full of chocolate?
It's one day - surely they can act silly and be over excited for one day? If this is so out of character I really don't understand why you're so upset? If it was day in day out, sure. You said yourself they were hyped up after seeing their uncle, but are still questioning kids need to be kids on Easter Sunday. Tomorrow is another day. Get an early night and re group.

Wishona · 09/04/2023 18:36

Argh so no TV

I sometimes do a ‘Lego challenge’ I’ll pick a random theme and the oldest kindly plays along. It might be ‘mythical creatures’, ‘destruction’ or ‘Matilda’ or anything else that might make them laugh.
I then give marks out of ten.

Or drawing along the same lines.

Or throw some sunflower seeds in random places to see where they grow.

Paper planes.

Again all this your 13 year old might raise eyes at, but they often enjoy it once started.

Meandfour · 09/04/2023 18:38

HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:09

I have it easy? You try living with schizophrenia and multiple chronic pain conditions while being a single mum. 😂 easy my arse.
I wanted half an hours peace and quiet, which considering they're not toddlers should be fairly easy to achieve.

I'm not expecting everyone To agree, I asked for a reason. Seems I was BU. I know better than to want some respite in future.

With all due respect, you chose to have 3 children with your mental health & physical health conditions.

YABU to expect them to be stuck in the house all day and then sit quietly while you rest.

TrewleyTired · 09/04/2023 18:39

Why did you chose to have 3 children?

Soubriquet · 09/04/2023 18:40

Meandfour · 09/04/2023 18:38

With all due respect, you chose to have 3 children with your mental health & physical health conditions.

YABU to expect them to be stuck in the house all day and then sit quietly while you rest.

Show quote history

Have you ever heard of becoming disabled AFTER having children?

Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:42

I have honestly tried everything. I've played barbies, Wrestling figures, king Kong, I've had them draw pictures, in the garden, we've decorated a cake. I just wanted half an hour where they entertained themselves quietly and didn't need me to step in and referee or judge or assemble or disassemble anything.
All throughout they've screamed and shouted. Often at each other. They've only been on half term since Friday, and we've been out every single day except today, and even then they've been in the garden. So it's not as if they're bored of half term already (they go to a Catholic school which likes them to be in for holy week)
Yes easter Sunday is only one day but they're not usually like this on holidays and half an hour out of the day ti entertain themselves at their ages isn't a lot to ask surely?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 09/04/2023 18:42

Like most, I don't think YABU to want half an hour's peace. Don't all of us at one time or another?

However, I do think YABU to expect your dc not to act their ages.
Perhaps, explaining to them all you are feeling really unwell, putting a film or something on whilst you take some medication and go and lie down for 30mins might have been more successful?

pikkumyy77 · 09/04/2023 18:43

From OP’s perspective its unfair because she “just needs a half hour of quiet” but from the children’s perspective its unfair that they can’t, after a day of being cooped up, have a half hour of noise and act like kids.

I really feel for both sides here but the only one with agency to solve the problem is OP because despite her myriad problems she is the adult and she has more capacity to set the tone in the house or manage her disappointment and stress than they do.

and that doesn’t s what it boils down to: put on some headphones and go to bed, send them to the garden, or just practice your endurance skills. Children are going to child and your mother is not always going to be there to manage them for you.

Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:43

Why did you chose to have 3 children

Because I wasn't disabled or mentally ill until after I had them and was in a relationship with their dad for 12 years before he became an abusive alcoholic.

OP posts:
Meandfour · 09/04/2023 18:44

Soubriquet · 09/04/2023 18:40

Have you ever heard of becoming disabled AFTER having children?

Show quote history

You don’t become autistic after having children. You’re either born with autism or you aren’t. It isn’t something you can catch 🙄

Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:44

Yes but I wasn't aware I was autistic until after having children. Late diagnosis.

OP posts:
Meandfour · 09/04/2023 18:45

”every single day until today” from Friday… that’s only one day?

TrewleyTired · 09/04/2023 18:45

HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:43

Why did you chose to have 3 children

Because I wasn't disabled or mentally ill until after I had them and was in a relationship with their dad for 12 years before he became an abusive alcoholic.

Are you saying you weren’t schizophrenic and autistic before you’re two latest were born?

TrewleyTired · 09/04/2023 18:46

TrewleyTired · 09/04/2023 18:45

Are you saying you weren’t schizophrenic and autistic before you’re two latest were born?

Show quote history

Ok seen your update about late diagnosis.

Wishona · 09/04/2023 18:46

HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:42

I have honestly tried everything. I've played barbies, Wrestling figures, king Kong, I've had them draw pictures, in the garden, we've decorated a cake. I just wanted half an hour where they entertained themselves quietly and didn't need me to step in and referee or judge or assemble or disassemble anything.
All throughout they've screamed and shouted. Often at each other. They've only been on half term since Friday, and we've been out every single day except today, and even then they've been in the garden. So it's not as if they're bored of half term already (they go to a Catholic school which likes them to be in for holy week)
Yes easter Sunday is only one day but they're not usually like this on holidays and half an hour out of the day ti entertain themselves at their ages isn't a lot to ask surely?

No YANBU you’ve done loads with them. This isn’t always the kindest board. It’s not long till bedtime now. Just for today let your youngest watch some extra TV.

Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:47

I'm saying I wasn't aware I was autistic until I was 26, 5 years ago and my schizophrenia didn't develop until 4 years ago. Schizophrenia often develops later in women.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:47

Friday… that’s only one day?

Thursday afternoon, Friday and Saturday.

OP posts:
TrewleyTired · 09/04/2023 18:48

HerRoyalStressHead · 09/04/2023 18:47

I'm saying I wasn't aware I was autistic until I was 26, 5 years ago and my schizophrenia didn't develop until 4 years ago. Schizophrenia often develops later in women.

Would it be possible to have a couple of hours a help a day?