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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t decide on how to get married

37 replies

howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:03

I’m getting nowhere quickly with planning and keep reaching a brick wall with each idea.

Unfortunately my sis and MIL are quite manipulative in their own ways and I’m not confident that either or both of them would be nice on the day. We have little to do with them but there’s no way we could cherry pick our other lovely relatives and leave them out of it despite how they’ve both been. We are fairly introverted people anyway so a big day with all eyes on has never been the appeal. We also don’t like the idea of spending so much on one day and would rather put it to a holiday. No real rush to marry, but we lost an unplanned pregnancy some months back and do want to try again soon and my fiancé has said he would rather we are married first before we do

We are stuck between 2 ideas really

  1. Elope, with a good photographer, hire a hall/venue to throw an ‘engagement’ party when we get back which upon arrival people would discover is actually the wedding reception. We have my parents’ blessing to do this.

  2. Registry office locally with the people we want there, meal after then straight off to honeymoon.

We can see pros and cons to both, don’t want loved ones to miss out altogether but I do think its one of those all or nothing situations!

OP posts:
Jagoda · 09/04/2023 16:07

Definitely elope.

Blanketpolicy · 09/04/2023 16:19

Option one is too risky someone will take the huff at not being in the know if they only find out at your party which will ruin it for you or your dh or even other guests. Some people who think they are close to you might take a couple of days to get used to it.

Elope, tell everyone day after, head off on honeymoon, see how the land lies when you get back and arrange a party after. (Dont tell suppliers it is a wedding celebration as prices will rocket).

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 16:24

Eloping is ridiculous unless you are both 16. Just have a wedding and put up with annoying folk. Everyone else has to.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:29

Blanketpolicy · 09/04/2023 16:19

Option one is too risky someone will take the huff at not being in the know if they only find out at your party which will ruin it for you or your dh or even other guests. Some people who think they are close to you might take a couple of days to get used to it.

Elope, tell everyone day after, head off on honeymoon, see how the land lies when you get back and arrange a party after. (Dont tell suppliers it is a wedding celebration as prices will rocket).

That’s true! Not everyone takes surprises positively I guess. Thank you - definitely won’t mention it.

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:29

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 16:24

Eloping is ridiculous unless you are both 16. Just have a wedding and put up with annoying folk. Everyone else has to.

Do they?

OP posts:
Spinningscrewdrivers · 09/04/2023 16:32

We are planning option 2! No party, closest friends and family only - can’t be dealing with the drama of trying to please everyone (or the attention that being a bride brings)

dietcokelime · 09/04/2023 16:39

Option one sounds absolutely lovely! I'd be thrilled to go to an engagement party and find it was a wedding reception, I'd be really happy the lucky couple had done something that they obviously wanted too. Not everyone wants a huge do with the expense and family drama that often accompanies.

If someone falls out with you over that, then imo they're not worth having around! A wedding (whilst lovely to attend) is really all about the couple and them celebrating their love - however they want too.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:43

Spinningscrewdrivers · 09/04/2023 16:32

We are planning option 2! No party, closest friends and family only - can’t be dealing with the drama of trying to please everyone (or the attention that being a bride brings)

Congratulations! Sounds fantastic tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:44

dietcokelime · 09/04/2023 16:39

Option one sounds absolutely lovely! I'd be thrilled to go to an engagement party and find it was a wedding reception, I'd be really happy the lucky couple had done something that they obviously wanted too. Not everyone wants a huge do with the expense and family drama that often accompanies.

If someone falls out with you over that, then imo they're not worth having around! A wedding (whilst lovely to attend) is really all about the couple and them celebrating their love - however they want too.

Thank you! This is the way I see it too. Hopefully most people would be happy about it!

OP posts:
Lcb123 · 09/04/2023 16:54

I’d say option 2. Option 1 has more tendency to cause grief

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:55

Lcb123 · 09/04/2023 16:54

I’d say option 2. Option 1 has more tendency to cause grief

Would you include MIL and sister in option 2, do you think?

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 09/04/2023 17:00

Are there people who you would like there at your celebration that might have trouble getting leave? I would find it much easier to find someone to swap a weekend at work if it was for a wedding than for an "engagement party".

Blanketpolicy · 09/04/2023 17:04

If someone falls out with you over that, then imo they're not worth having around!

Agree but you won't know who those people might be, and noone wants that and the under current it might cause, at their celebration, especially where drink is likely to be involved.

Gingergirl70 · 09/04/2023 17:08

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 16:24

Eloping is ridiculous unless you are both 16. Just have a wedding and put up with annoying folk. Everyone else has to.

Why is eloping ridiculous? And why do they HAVE to have a wedding with annoying people because every other married couple in the world had to? What an absolute bizarre comment/opinion. Talk about ridiculous 🙄

Vallmo47 · 09/04/2023 17:09

Married recently with just our two kids and our parents (one from each side, the others deceased) as witnesses. It was truly magical - the registrars were amazing, they knew exactly how to make a rather large room feel small and intimate. The guests who weren’t present were allowed to see videos after and as everyone was treated the same no one minded (too much). We threw a lovely little get together the same evening and had some beautiful photos done in the hotel we were staying in the night.
I do love your other option but I must admit you run the risk of a few people not being able to hide their disappointment at you already being married and that will take away from your celebrations on the evening. I’d come back and tell everyone you have married and when you invite them to an evening do, that’s the olive branch. :) But at the end of the day, most people do understand it’s your day to do with as you wish. Good luck

BonnieBairn · 09/04/2023 17:11

Our wedding was 2020 so there were still restrictions in place. My second marriage, husbands first. We chose a registry office and luckily it was priced for a party under 10 or over 10. We chose the under 10 so my folks, his folks and my kids. No ambiguity. Then we just had a party. Put on food and some drinks and said to folk if they wanted to get pissed then it was byob. There are people I'd have loved to see me get married like my uncle and my brothers but the numbers helped us be very restrictive, esp as my OH has brothers too so then it just spirals. Our wedding was the best Ive ever been to

FinallyHere · 09/04/2023 17:52

Registry office locally with just the people we want there

This seems a tad harsh on MiL, who I'm guessing would not be invited.

I'd go for a totally private just the two of you registry office. Tell no one, use witnesses off the street or even Mumsnet. Go out to lunch afterwards just the two of you or straight on honeymoon holiday.

Let everyone know as soon as you land. Let them get their drama out of the way while you are away.

Why throw a party at all?

Buy yourselves something that you both really love to remind you of a happy day. Simples.

Aprilx · 09/04/2023 17:59

howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:55

Would you include MIL and sister in option 2, do you think?

Show quote history

You cannot are surely not going to miss your grooms mother off the invitation list are you? And yes not inviting your sister is pretty awful too. If you really cannot stand the idea of either of them being there, then you need to just go off and get married the two of you with two witnesses. But I wouldn’t bother with the party afterwards, just leave it at that.

CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 18:06

For you....Option 2.

We married with 2 witnesses and went for food after. No outfits, photographers, chain restaurant after. We even caught the bus because our car was broken. It was gloriously naff! And no fuss. A photographer, fancy outfits...it would have felt awkward and embarrassing for a no-fuss marriage.

I think deep down you would resent the photos and decision on some level knowing that you felt you had to do it that way because of your MIL &SIL and you missed out on having your nice family there.

CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 18:09

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 16:24

Eloping is ridiculous unless you are both 16. Just have a wedding and put up with annoying folk. Everyone else has to.

Bullshit. We have lovely family and eloped as marriage was a financial decision and not a cause for a celebration. We still haven't told family even though they would be overjoyed and we have been married for years now.

Explain to me why my carefully weighed up financial decision is ridiculous?

CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 18:12

Do option 2 and keep it short and small so noone gets bent out of shape over wedding food and outfits and noone has time to get pissed and start a fight.

Wherethewind · 09/04/2023 18:14

CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 18:09

Bullshit. We have lovely family and eloped as marriage was a financial decision and not a cause for a celebration. We still haven't told family even though they would be overjoyed and we have been married for years now.

Explain to me why my carefully weighed up financial decision is ridiculous?

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

UsingChangeofName · 09/04/2023 18:19

Does Option 2 include your sister , and your MiL ?
As that affects my opinion on which option.

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 09/04/2023 18:24

Option 2, which is the wedding I wanted. Instead I got everyone, and I could tell who was there simply for a free lunch! Do what's right for you.

Paperbagsaremine · 09/04/2023 18:25

howcanIdothiss · 09/04/2023 16:29

Do they?

Show quote history

No.
I know one couple who (increasingly annoyed by their wretched relatives) canned the Normal Sized Wedding and went down the registry office with the two relatives who weren't interfering misery guts.

Another two or three couples I know got hitched paperwork only, and had no celebration, one lot never even told anyone (we knew as we were helping with legal stuff, but were asked to keep schtum).

Various other lots "semi-eloped" to somewhere far away with eg parents only.