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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being rude to guests?

34 replies

DeedlessIndeed · 09/04/2023 13:50

Okay, so I'll preface this with the fact that I'm quite shy and find guests exhausting, so am willing to be told IABU. I also struggle to judge social situations so don't really know if I would be considered rude or if this is a complete non-issue.

Anyway, a childhood friend of DP is visiting our part of the country with his new partner. They have lots of friends to see in the area, so only stayed with us the 1 night and will be leaving early afternoon today to the next set of friends.

After they arrived we chatted, had drinks, went out for dinner and then back home for more drinks / games etc. It was a really pleasant evening. I'm an early riser, so by 11ish I was knackered, made my apologies and went to bed. The rest carried on into the small hours.

This morning I was up much earlier than everyone else (not a problem) so popped out and sorted some pastries / bread for breakfast from the local bakery. It got to 11 this morning and there was no sign of anyone stirring, so I made myself some breakfast and continued to potter about and got on with my day.

When everyone got up I sat with a coffee for a few mins whilst breakfast was being made, and had a brief chat. However since then I've been doing my own separate thing in a different part of the house (i.e. on mumsnet) and don't really want to join back in - I feel my social battery is just dead.

Am I being really rude? Ending the night "early" last night and now this... I don't want them to think they aren't welcome. My OH is very much a natural entertainer, and from what I can hear is taking care of them well - lots of laughing etc.

I don't think I would add much by being there, but maybe I should just suck it up?

OP posts:
Aprilx · 09/04/2023 13:52

I don’t think going to bed at 11pm was rude. But not sitting with your guests now is quite rude, you need to go and join them.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/04/2023 13:57

If the wife or husband of one of my friends went elsewhere and ignored me whilst I was visiting I’d think either there had been a couple argument between them recently and they were being passive aggressive, I think. Unless you or your husband have explained that you find social situations overwhelming sometimes then it is rude to effectively ignore people in your home when they don’t know why.

electriclight · 09/04/2023 14:01

Going to bed at 11 was fine. Sitting on mn instead of with them is rude. They're only with you for a few more hours, surely you can grin and bear it until then? I don't advocate people-pleasing as such, but ignoring them is rude and will make them feel unwanted (which they are now, but don't show it!)

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2023 14:02

Yes you need to put a face on here to support DP even though you don't feel like it unless you don't care what impression they take of you.

bananaboats · 09/04/2023 14:05

I think going to bed was ok but sitting in the next room ignoring them is pretty rude yes.

Changingplace · 09/04/2023 14:06

Going to bed at 11am is fine, being up before everyone else is fine, but right now sitting in another room while they’re only with you for a couple more hours is quite awkward- you should go and sit with the group now.

Original poster
DeedlessIndeed · 09/04/2023 14:07

Ahh really? Okay, well I'm glad I asked.

I'll go in and offer some tea/refreshments as a "way in" so to speak.

Gahh it's ridiculous but my heart is pounding at the thought of walking into the room. I really need to get better at this whole socialising thing.

Thanks for giving me the push I needed!

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 09/04/2023 14:09

I’m not sure I agree that any of it is rude. If that is how you are then don’t tie yourself by being someone else.

I had the same scenario,husband extrovert, me introvert. But I let myself be convinced that I should behave like the extrovert my husband was.

Over the years all that happened was I stopped enjoying myself so many times because I ended up being guilt tripped into not leaving when I wanted to. So I ended up not even looking forward to social events.

When I eventually (too late) started enforcing boundaries, my husband wouldn’t accept it. I understand the need to be alone and getting “talked out”

If you are at all worried about not staying for breakfast, I would have announced I had to get on with something ie call a friend, and possibly popped back a couple of times for five minutes to join in chat and leave again.

As this is an old friend of your partners, it is more acceptable.

Whatthefnow · 09/04/2023 14:09

Just say sorry about that had a few bits to do.
I'm very sociable op but I get how you feel. Don't sweat it, it sounds like you've been a lovely host.

Beamur · 09/04/2023 14:23

I think you've been perfectly hospitable and I think taking a little bit of a breather is fine. The idea of re-engaging by offering a drink is a good one.

HappyKoala56 · 09/04/2023 14:30

Aprilx · 09/04/2023 13:52

I don’t think going to bed at 11pm was rude. But not sitting with your guests now is quite rude, you need to go and join them.

This

OldHouseLover · 09/04/2023 14:32

Sometimes having guests is hard going/ exhausting but I think you are coming across as rude by sitting in another room on mn while they're having breakfast

I also don't really understand why you feel so overwhelmed by them when you excused yourself v early last night, had all morning to yourself including a peaceful solo breakfast & now they're leaving soon?

If these were your family / friends & your dh did this, would you genuinely be happy? Or would you find his behavior just a bit rude & potentially embarrassing? As in you'd feel the need to make some excuse for his lack of sociability?

Isanny · 09/04/2023 14:35

Take this as a 'no more overnight guests' lesson! It took me ages to realise my limitations and even longer to be able to put things in place. Now you know you have enough social battery for an evening but not the next day, make sure not to get into overnight guests again. Adults can sleep in hotels.

If you can rejoin them for a bit before they go it would be nice, but tbh I wouldn't push myself

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 14:43

I don’t think you are rude. My husband is introverted and I’m not and if my friends are staying he often spends time with us and then will go off to cook, make a coffee or maybe see to our toddler in another room. I do the same when his friends are here as they came to see him and not me. If it’s mutual friends I make more effort but again I’m not the introverted one. I don’t think what you did was wrong. I also find overnight guests exhausting by the next day

MMMarmite · 09/04/2023 14:48

I disagree with the previous poster. It's your DH's childhood friend, so I think it's fine to let him do more of the entertaining. It would be rude to ignore them entirely, but you have already been welcoming and friendly.

If you and DH are always forced to socialise identically, then that limits each partner. If he wants lots of chat and you just want a little, that's fine.

Nottodayicant · 09/04/2023 14:51

You have been anything but rude. You do what's best for your own mental health. You social dial is at 0.

Original poster
DeedlessIndeed · 09/04/2023 15:13

Thanks all for your reassuring messages. I rejoined the party for the last 40 minutes and then they've just left to meet the next set of friends. Hopefully no lasting impression of rudeness left.

@OldHouseLover - I'm not really a naturally social person, but generally manage to get through visits and have an enjoyable time. I always do need a bit of re-charge afterwards.

However I think what made this time worse is that OH and friend were (understandably) catching up a lot about way back when. Lots of chat about mutual friends that I've never met. The couple live close to where OH grew up so even friend's partner knew most of the people / places etc. I think I just felt like a 4th wheel and became completely drained at the prospect of joining back in.

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 09/04/2023 15:18

I think it's fine. You were social last night and it's your husbands friend and he is spending time with them.

Proper friends are chilled and shouldn't be bothered. X

Inthesamesinkingboat · 09/04/2023 15:18

I couldn’t cope with overnight guests staying in bed until gone 11. They’re wasting half the day and you’re all expected to hang around waiting for them.

MoveOnTheCards · 09/04/2023 15:22

I don’t think you were rude, imo them lying in bed ALL MORNING isn’t great house-guest manners. You were hospitable all evening and prepared /sorted a good breakfast.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2023 15:25

Staying in bed all morning is outrageous when you’re staying at someone’s house. What if you wanted to go out/hoover/play music while you did housework etc?

ASimpleLampoon · 09/04/2023 15:34

I think you have been hospitable. Getting breakfast things was a lovely thought. Your husband can explain your social limits if necessary. Does n t sound like they are uncomfortable though?. I actually think it's a bit rude of them to sleep in until 11.00 When you are up but if you and your DH are not bothered then that's not a problem everyone hosts differently.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2023 15:38

Goint to bed at 11 was a bit early but not early enough to be rude. Guests staying in bed till 11 am is cheeky. And you going to another part of the house when they got up is not very polite either.

Trollsinmyeggbox · 09/04/2023 15:49

I think it depends. I'm like you and I run out of whatever it is required to 'host' people after a while but my partner is very outgoing and more than happy to play that role. I would (and have) said "I'm just going to pop out for an hour/I'm going to go and read my book for half an hour, I'm a bit knackered, I'll be a much better person after that!" or something similar and everyone knows there's no weirdness.

People need different things. It wouldn't bother me if someone who was hosting me did that either. Clear communication helps.

junebirthdaygirl · 09/04/2023 15:51

Whenever we have visitors..either my family or friends..my dh joins us for dinner or lunch chats for a while and then heads off. Most of my friends dhs do this too. So l think it's fine you left them too it as really they were there to see your dh and got to know you a bit as well. Actually when dh goes l no longer have to fill in the gaps in his knowledge so we can chat away.