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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want family time

27 replies

Coffeemeand4 · 08/04/2023 10:36

My partner and I have been together for 4 years and this is something I've been asking from the beginning before we had my younger two (i have older two kids almost in adulthood)

I do have to stress that our relationship is pretty great and everything that happens in our relationship is done with the best intentions.
Quite literally, the problem is finding the balance between addressing/attending to the needs of day to day life (house work, shopping, work, sleep etc) and having time together as a couple and family. With our busy lives we don't really have much time for a social life which to be honest I don't really mind as it's more important to me to have time in our relationship and have time and create memories with the kids. At most we'll take the kids to the park or something together for like an hour once a week, but currently there's more time and room to do more (mostly weekends and sometimes he gets a 3 day weekend sometimes it's a 1 day weekend) mostly we are sperately doing things with the kids.

I've repeatedly stressed to my OH that absolutely, rightly so everything needs to be attended to and there always seems to be something else that needs doing, but we also need time together. Our youngest is 2 months old and obviously sleep has been needed when able and we've been taking it in turns (taking presidence atm) but I'm hyper conscious that I don't have much time on maternity leave and we've planned to move next year so will both be working lots to make the move happen.

I'm reaching my breaking point, we've lost so much time and days we could have spent together and like this weekend it's a 4day weekend, so far plans have been scrapped to catch up on sleep (I had a little lay in and he's having his turn right now, yesterday it was 3pm before we were both up together and our son was in bed 3 hours later)

I feel like I'm being an as**e because everything is important and needed, but I also want to feel like we are a family in the times we can instead of a single parent and losing precious moments and just find some sort of balance. There really isn't anything wrong with the rest of our relationship, but 4 years later of expressing this it's becoming a non negotiable thing for me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 10:46

So even before you had children together, he would wrangle out of time with you?

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 10:49

had a little lay in and he's having his turn right now, yesterday it was 3pm before we were both up together

3pm?!

OIivia · 08/04/2023 10:50

It reads as though it's both of you not making the time for each other, not just your DH?

Original poster

Coffeemeand4 · 08/04/2023 12:37

I wouldn't say wrangle, I'd say more us sorting and cleaning the house took over

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeemeand4 · 08/04/2023 12:38

Yeah, baby had been up half the night so I'd asked him to wake me up at 8 and agreed he'd come down by around 11 but he slept through although I tried waking him up

OP posts:

Botw1 · 08/04/2023 12:38

I dont really understand the op.

What is he doing that takes away from your 'precious time'

What is it you would prefer to be doing?

You sound really intense tbf

Original poster

Coffeemeand4 · 08/04/2023 12:44

I wouldn't say that, as I said in on mat leave and have a newborn, toddler and 2 teens, I'm always making sure everything is done as best as possible so we have that time together

OP posts:

Original poster

Coffeemeand4 · 08/04/2023 12:48

As I said a baby, toddler, 2 teens and work.. of course things get busy as I said in the post... whats not to get about that? As I said there needs to be a balance and that isn't happening, getting maybe an hour a week to take kids to the park when he has 3 days off on those shift weeks isn't okay for me or the kids especially when I'm home to do most things except on the day/last minute things 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:

Botw1 · 08/04/2023 12:52

I dont get it because you're not explaining it well.

Things are busy, you have 4 kids. One a newborn.

He has 3 days off a week.

And you're upset because he's doing housework? Or what? Lying in bed all day?

YellowGreenBlue · 08/04/2023 12:57

I'm surprised that most people have voted YABU. I think it's really normal to want time together as a family! Maybe not while the new baby is so tiny though.

PawPrintsInMyPansies · 08/04/2023 12:57

It’s difficult to understand what your OP is getting at. Is it ‘making memories’ (hate that phrase) that you’re wanting to do? Because honestly that sounds so staged. With 4 kids and one a new born, I’d be prioritising sleep over fake social media bollocks as well!

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 12:58

YellowGreenBlue · 08/04/2023 12:57

I'm surprised that most people have voted YABU. I think it's really normal to want time together as a family! Maybe not while the new baby is so tiny though.

Of course it is

but the OP doesn’t really seem to make any effort.

added to which, he was like this before from the outset of their relationship!

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 12:59

You’ve been with him 4 years?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 08/04/2023 12:59

If you want to do more than just take the kids to the park once a week, what's stopping you from doing it?

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 13:00

mostly we are sperately doing things with the kids.

anything stopping you from joining in when he’s having his “separate” time with the kids?

WoolyMammoth55 · 08/04/2023 13:04

OP, I think YABU because this is an issue that involves you both and you're making it sound like your DP is the problem.

If family time is important to you, then you should make a plan - decide on going out for a picnic lunch, or for a family swim, or a day out in the countryside/beach/zoo whatever - and then do it.

Give him a free pass on the housework/life admin so that he can come and join in and you can have quality time all together.

If he's helping you keep the family on track and your little one is only 8 weeks old then I don't think he's a selfish git or anything. My family were barely holding ourselves together with a toddler and a newborn, give him a break!

If this is important to you, then YOU make it happen. Don't make it his problem, that's not fair.

mycatsanutter · 08/04/2023 13:09

Do you mean you end up doing housework instead of stuff with the kids together ?

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2023 13:13

Employ a cleaner, op. It makes such a difference. If you can, outsource the ironing.

However I do realise there is more to it, you do have to sort out some priorities with your husband. As your young children get older it will be better but that doesn't help you now.

Good luck.

Original poster

Coffeemeand4 · 08/04/2023 16:50

Woah people are going off? Maybe I didn't explain myself very well because only 1 person has seemed to have understood what I meant.

And I made it really clear everything is done with the best intentions, not once did I say otherwise and not once have I been negative about his character or our relationship as a whole. i repeatedly said that everything that needs done does need doing and are important, so I'm not complaining that those things are being done I'm complaining that in the times we do have time together, some of those things can wait so we have time together.

As myself and others have pointed out there are 4 kids in the house and I said "with our busy lives". As mentioned I'm on mat leave (I'm when in work i work mostly from home so I'm able to do things then too) so I am home doing everything both when he's in work and when he's home we are both doing it. however, when he's home and we've either pre planned to do things or like his long work weeks when he's only has 1 day (technically 2 as the second day is him going onto night shift so he obviously needs that day to sleep) we've said in the morning when we see eachother to do something and it becomes "this needs to be done now" even though most of the time its something that can wait a few hours or until after the little ones have gone to bed and by the time its done (and redone with kids) its too late in the day or its a baby needs a feed now and by the time we are ready to go, we'll only have half hour and need to come back home to do tea bath bed etc thing, so both pre and on the day plans get cancelled.
As to the comment about doing things separately with the kids and me joining in, firstly its not that often its him taking the kids out on his own but when he does its usually when I've had a rough night with the baby (I'm also breast feeding) and I do need to catch up on sleep for a couple of hours (his shift patterns mean I also do the majority of night care as well as day) he's taken them out then.

I'm talking about a work, home and life balance. In the weeks we've only got 1 day together, then that one day, except for the essentials and meeting the kids needs, doesn't have to be taken over by other things that can wait until later on or the following day so we can make the most of the little time we have.
For example, two of my friends litterally only have 1 day a month together as they need to work opposite shifts to reduce childcare costs and they make that day count as a family. We've got more than they do and its rare that we even do that.

As I said we've got a great relationship and we try to help eachother as best as we can, but part of being in a relationship and having children is having time together... I don't want any of my kids turning around one day and saying "we know you did your best and worked hard in work and at home, but you weren't around enough or were too busy to do things with us as a whole family" and I don't want to look back in our relationship and feel the same.

Hopefully if I've made myself more clearer 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 16:52

So it can be distilled in to

on his days off my DH prefers to do jobs rather than spend time as a family, and he’s always been like this from the outset.

yep?

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 16:54

In the weeks we've only got 1 day together, then that one day, except for the essentials and meeting the kids needs, doesn't have to be taken over by other things that can wait until later on or the following day so we can make the most of the little time we have.

but he doesn’t have the “following day”, does he? He has just the one day.

Mummynew08 · 08/04/2023 16:58

I voted yabu just because your baby is still newborn... don't newborns just create so much extra work (and extra night wakings)!

When your youngest is (say) 6 months, you'll have so much more time for going out doing stuff and it'll still be summer by then.

I feel like this isn't an urgent problem to fix now now now... it's ok just to catch up on sleep and keep on top of the laundry carousel etc for now

thatsn0tmyname · 08/04/2023 17:01

Each weekend we have a 'staying close to home' day where we work on gardening/ cleaning/DIY/local park and a 'family outing' day'. Works well for us.

Botw1 · 08/04/2023 17:05

Hopefully if I've made myself more clearer

No.

Not really

You seem to be wnnoyed that your family life of 4 kids and work means you dont he much time as a family

But thats life. Especially with 4 young kids.

Puffthemagiclizard · 08/04/2023 17:05

Your baby is still very young and you are both tired and there's lots of washing etc to be done. Honestly your 4 month old won't remember not having family time at this stage. If one of you is pretty tied to the house for naps etc it makes sense for the other to take the older child out so they can burn off some energy.

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