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AIBU?

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Original poster

To change out my bridesmaid dress in the evening?

62 replies

Tinkerbellone · 08/04/2023 00:25

I haven't been to a wedding in years. So not sure of wedding dos and don'ts. Wedding in May. I'm 50 and am a bridesmaid for my friend's daughter. Her daughter is absolutely lovely.

The dress is ok. Not very flattering. Neither is the footwear.

Is it very wrong to get changed into a different outfit for the evening do?

I'm happy to stay in the dress but would like to get out of the dress if possible- when I've asked various friends I've had mixed responses from; 'you can't do that!' To 'everyone will be drunk and won't care anyway'

I'm not sure whether to ask the bride & I don't want to ask the bride yet if opinions are overwhelmingly'no'.

In case it matters - the bridesmaids have paid for their own dress, shoes, hair, nails everything. Based on preferences of the bride.

The opinions of you lovely people would be gratefully received!! Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Awrite · 08/04/2023 07:31

Interesting responses. Seems to be - do as you please, never mind anyone else.

I wouldn't have thought to change out of my BM dress. None of the BM dresses were ever that flattering on me. Or comfortable.

My MIL changed at my wedding. Not something I would do personally. Can't really explain why. I suspect it's about respect.

erinaceus · 08/04/2023 07:34

Ask the bride how she feels. It’s not a strange thing to ask. The bride might for example like a photograph of you all at a particular point and she might be able to take this earlier.

Is there anything you could do to be more comfortable? E.g. change shoes, bring cardie or wrap, have dress adjusted?

Phoebo · 08/04/2023 07:36

Chances also are you'll be too tired to bother, usually by the time I've managed to actually relax I've been too exhausted to care!

RampantIvy · 08/04/2023 07:37

I would ask the bride after the wedding, but before the evening do. Something along the lines of "would you mind if I changed into something more comfortable, my feet are killing me/the dress is too tight/other"

romdowa · 08/04/2023 07:38

One of my bridesmaids changed before the evening do and I didn't care. I was half jealous to be honest , I was sick of dragging a dress around myself 🤣

Straycatblue · 08/04/2023 07:39

SNWannabe · 08/04/2023 05:51

I changed as a BM (isn’t being a 50 year old “bridesmaid” a little odd though?) as I was breastfeeding so had a two piece outfit in the bridal scheme colours to change into.

Yeah you're right people who are 50 shouldn't be allowed to be involved in the wedding party & esp not as "bridesmaid" what are the quotation marks supposed to imply? 🙄

How to rain on somebody's parade - tell them they are odd for being involved in a happy event for someone they are close to.

If your unpleasant comment is related to tradition well then bridesmaids traditionally were virgins but as you were a breastfeeding bridesmaid I'm gonna assume you weren't a virgin - imagine if someone had pointed that out to you & said it was odd & implied you shouldn't be involved in the wedding party.

MagicMatilda · 08/04/2023 07:45

You shouldn’t change. I find it disrespectful. One of my 6 bridesmaids changed and it annoyed me.

dietcokelime · 08/04/2023 07:46

At the most recent wedding I was at, all five of the bridesmaids changed! We obviously did ceremony, photos, meal / speeches, first dance etc in our dresses. They were floor length and boiling hot (originally bought for a winter wedding that moved due to covid, re arranged wedding was high summer) and the bride had suggested it first! At my wedding all of the bridesmaids also changed for the evening party. It didn't bother me at all, what they're wearing is lovely to match in for photos and the ceremony but I'd rather they were comfortable all night than worried about staying in a dress they didn't want to be in! Definitely check with the bride beforehand but it's much more common than perhaps it used to be.

BessieSurtees · 08/04/2023 07:52

You need to ask what the plans are for the wedding evening, it’s not rude, it’s just planning. When I first started attending weddings most brides didn’t even wear their wedding dress to the evening, and then it started that they may wear them until the first dance, now it seems that the whole wedding party stay in their daytime attire for the whole evening.

gogohmm · 08/04/2023 07:54

Varies, seen both happen. Why not just have something with you and make the decision then, changing shoes is definitely fine, I changed my shoes when I got married and will be doing the same if I ever get round to marrying my dp, I'm rubbish in smart shoes but no way am I doing sparkly converse! I'd buy a new pair of flower decorated doc martens!

GloomySkies · 08/04/2023 07:54

I'd say nothing and accidentally spill a drink all over myself

palelavender · 08/04/2023 07:57

I was at a wedding where the immediate male family members of the groom changed for the reception into shorts! I cant recall what the female relatives did or if they wore cheap polyester dresses to The wedding as well. The bride's family were beyond horrified. Surprisingly the marriage lasted but they moved overseas shortly after the wedding at the bride's insistence.

ChunkaMunkaBoomBoom · 08/04/2023 07:59

I did with the blessing of the bride. Wore a much more comfortable dress for the evening, the kind that I would have worn to the wedding as a normal guest.

mozzierella · 08/04/2023 08:00

Yes. You can do whatever you want. Your body. Your clothes. Your evening

The bride doesn't own you

mozzierella · 08/04/2023 08:01

I thought bridesmaid nonsense was in the past when you are 50!

HelloBunny · 08/04/2023 08:02

It would be so nice if women could wear comfortable / flattering clothes to weddings. Bride included. Last few bridesmaids outfits I’ve seen were these satin sheath styles with cowl necklines. Obviously in vogue, but terrible on anyone with big boobs. Also hate the high heels / flip flops thing! Just find a lovely pair of shoes you can walk in...

bridgetreilly · 08/04/2023 08:02

I did, with the bride’s full knowledge and approval.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 08/04/2023 08:15

I’m really surprised how many people are saying to just change out of your bridesmaids dress on the day. I think that is really offensive to the bride, you are insulting her taste and visibly removing yourself from the bridal party.

If you ask her beforehand saying something like ‘love the dress but I can’t dance in it’ and she is fine about it then it’s ok but otherwise I think this is rude.

The fact that the bride has made a faux pas in getting you to pay for your dress doesn’t give you a faux pas on credit.

suzyscat · 08/04/2023 09:13

It's high risk. Plenty of people would be fine with it but plenty would resent it.

You could ask before hand but if she's stressing it might still cause un retractable offence.

You can spill something and change on the night but will look suss that you've brought a costume change ready.

I'd probably bring a change and then discreetly ask after the pics and meal. Just say you're feeling a bit bloated and would she mind if you changed. She should be having the time of her life by then so things that seem huge now will be back in perspective.

BridieConvert · 08/04/2023 09:51

I wouldn't. I've been a bridesmaid twice and it never even occurred to me to change out of my dress. The shoes did get removed though and I just danced barefoot. I'd have found it really odd if one of my bridesmaids changed out of their dress - I can't quite put my finger on why but I wouldn't be happy about it

burnoutbabe · 08/04/2023 10:03

At 50 I think you are old enough to state your boundaries and say you are changing for the evening.

I sssume the bride is young? She isn't your friend, that's the brides mum. Insisting someone stay in a hot dress when they are uncomfortable is not polite. Many 50 year old women are into menopause or near and wearing a horny fitted dress into the evening would be hell.

(Especially as the op had to buy her own dress but not to her own style /comfort)

gingercat02 · 08/04/2023 10:13

Please ask!
I'm from Northern Ireland but live in England. I was amazed the first wedding I went to when everyone got changed in the evenings. It's just not a thing where I'm from.
One of my friends bridesmaid put jeans on after the meal. It looked really odd.

StaySpicy · 08/04/2023 10:18

I had a bridesmaid do this. She changed into a pair of capri pants and birkenstocks (she was also nearly 50). I didn't even realise until I saw the photos afterwards! I cared not one jot. I had the photos of her in her dress (that I paid for) from the daytime. Who cares what she was wearing during the dancing and drinking?!

I also had a little girl wearing a bridesmaid dress who wasn't a bridesmaid. It was the same colour as the dresses of the two other little girls I had as bridesmaids so on the photos she looks like she's a bridesmaid! Friend did ask in advance but again, I just didn't care. There's more to life than stressing about what someone was wearing, in my view.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 08/04/2023 10:25

Nothing that a clumsy red wine can't sort. Agree with others, cake cut, first dance done then crack on!

honeylulu · 08/04/2023 10:50

SNWannabe · 08/04/2023 05:51

I changed as a BM (isn’t being a 50 year old “bridesmaid” a little odd though?) as I was breastfeeding so had a two piece outfit in the bridal scheme colours to change into.

Another poster has beaten me to it but a 50 year old bridesmaid is no more odd than a breastfeeding one. There are no rules. If you are wanging on about tradition, yes bridesmaids were traditionally unmarried, assumed to be virgins, and under 21. I think I read in one wedding book that traditionally an attendant over 21 was a "maid of honour" (matron of honour if married) rather than a bridesmaid and would usually be the only attendant i.e. if the bride ha d no younger and unmarried sisters/confidantes to ask. Anything goes these days so if you think OP will look odd in her role then so did you!

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