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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Haven't met his children yet

38 replies

mysticmegan · 07/04/2023 06:32

Name change for this.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years and I still haven't met his children. They live several hours away and they stay with him during school holidays so it's not often an issue. He has met mine - they are teenagers and the relationship would be impossible if he hadn't met them because they're with me all the time. His children are younger. We have spoken about it and he explained that his reluctance is due to the fact that he introduced his children too soon in his last relationship and she ended it soon after. I know he loves me and otherwise things are great. However, it means that when they do stay, I barely get to see him unless he leaves them with his sister for an hour or two which is usually fine as it's usually only a week or so that they stay for but I did find Christmas difficult and I'm now beginning to dread the summer holidays. I completely accept that when they stay he wants to spend as much time with them as possible and prioritize them but I feel it would be nice to start doing a couple of things together or to call over if I wanted especially at times like Christmas. I feel I should talk to him about how I feel to ask if he has a timeframe in mind but I don't want him to feel I'm putting pressure on. Or do I just grow up and suck it up and accept that it's only an occasional frustration and let him make a decision in his own time?

OP posts:
thegrain · 07/04/2023 06:39

It suggests to me he doesn't see your relationship as a long term one like you do. He's worried you'll leave. Or he wants to leave you. Maybe once you discuss moving in it will change?

I think 2 years in I'd expect to be able to meet his children. Perhaps there is more too it.

thegrain · 07/04/2023 06:40

I would discuss time frames with him at this point. If he wants to move in with you or get married to you you're going to have to start to build a relationship with his kids.

palelavender · 07/04/2023 06:42

I think after two years you should have been introduced as Daddy's friend. I think my husband met his stepmother a few months in and they have had a great 30 year relationship.

YellowGreenBlue · 07/04/2023 06:44

I think it's reasonable for you to ask him for a timeframe on this.

Original poster
mysticmegan · 07/04/2023 06:45

Neither of us want to get married and moving in together is not what either of us want at this stage, particularly while my children are still living at home. We do both view it as a long term committed relationship though.

OP posts:
Denise82 · 07/04/2023 06:48

Hi, I think your last sentence is what you should do. Let him make the decision in his own time. I can understand him not wanting to if the last time he introduced someone it didn't go well, also it may have affected his children as they are younger. Pehaps he and the children's mother may have agreed on a time scale for introducing new people since then. I think all you can do is let him take the lead on this one op x

Original poster
mysticmegan · 07/04/2023 06:50

I don't think it affected the children- they only met once briefly and then she ended it. So I think it left him feeling humiliated and foolish.

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 07/04/2023 06:51

I think it's fair to ask about timeframes and I don't think that automatically means putting pressure on him. I'd just say that you feel things are going really well, you're really happy with where things are at with the relationship and you wanted to get a sense of how he sees things going in the future. I'd say that you would like to get to the stage where you can meet his kids and do some things together as you're really serious about being with him and you recognise they're an important part of his life. Then I'd ask when he thinks might be the best way to do this/ when.

I do think he knows his kids best as you know yours best and he's clearly been burnt before so I think as long as you're reassuring him that you're in for the long haul it might actually alleviate some of his fears. Alternatively maybe there's an issue with his ex and she's not keen for you to meet them yet or something you haven't considered. But talking openly with him about it is the best way to identify what the hold up is. Ultimately they're his kids and it's his decision when to involve you in their lives so I'd have the chat and then accept what he says unless your gut starts questioning things. But from what you say you're in a good solid place so hopefully there's nothing untoward.

GoodChat · 07/04/2023 06:53

To be fair, he doesn't get to spend much time with his children so I imagine he wants to make the most of it when he does.

It must be quite hard for him to maintain his own relationship with them as it is.

Denise82 · 07/04/2023 06:55

mysticmegan · 07/04/2023 06:50

I don't think it affected the children- they only met once briefly and then she ended it. So I think it left him feeling humiliated and foolish.

Ah so only a brief meeting, maybe your right that it left him feeling humiliated and foolish. He probably feels like he has to get it right this time, hence the waiting, which will be no reflection on you or your relationship op

YukoandHiro · 07/04/2023 06:57

I think he sounds sensible tbh

xPaz · 07/04/2023 06:58

I agree with what' been said but I'd be worried I was wasting my time. I'd let him know he has to figure something out this summer. Tell him if he can't show you that "faith" you cannot assume it.

if he cant id just check out a bit, leave him to his summer, be busier, don't prioritise him this summer. I'd be keeping him on his toes a bit more. Go on holiday with a girlfriend during the summer. Depending on whether yr teens can be left for a few days of course

thegrain · 07/04/2023 06:59

mysticmegan · 07/04/2023 06:50

I don't think it affected the children- they only met once briefly and then she ended it. So I think it left him feeling humiliated and foolish.

I think he needs to get over that relationship and trust you more when you say you're in it for the long term.

Do you know why she ended it? Was it due to the kids perhaps?

Original poster
mysticmegan · 07/04/2023 07:02

No, she didn't finish it because of the children.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 07/04/2023 07:04

After two years I wouldn't be happy not meeting his children. That wouldn't say 'long term commitment' to me, I'd think he was hiding something.

OriGanOver · 07/04/2023 07:15

I wonder if his dc are terribly behaved or if there's another reason his last gf met them and ran.

I'd be weary, it sounds like he's not all in the relationship with you.

MrsRickAstley · 07/04/2023 07:18

I only met after 3 years.

It's ok to take it slow. And tbh simpler if it's just about you two.

People are always rushing into things (MN as a provider of many many examples) so I think it's commendable that he's taking time before progressing.

If you're unsure of his feelings for you, time to have a chat. But his reluctance to bring the parts of his life together shouldn't be seen as negative.

Ineedaduvetday · 07/04/2023 07:25

OriGanOver · 07/04/2023 07:15

I wonder if his dc are terribly behaved or if there's another reason his last gf met them and ran.

I'd be weary, it sounds like he's not all in the relationship with you.

I did wonder the same

MyDogStoodOnABee · 07/04/2023 07:41

I was your boyfriend in this scenario and was happy with keeping two parts of my life separate for over 2 years and putting my relationship with my children first, you’re not moving in together and blending families, so what’s the issue? I introduced them when it felt natural for me and my children who were older being late teens/twenties, being badgered for a timeline wouldn’t have sped the process up, quite the opposite.

Justalittlebitduckling · 07/04/2023 07:42

Two years is more than long enough. I’m sorry OP but the people I know who have done this did not ultimately have a future with the person who never met their kids.

GoodChat · 07/04/2023 07:43

KatherineJaneway · 07/04/2023 07:04

After two years I wouldn't be happy not meeting his children. That wouldn't say 'long term commitment' to me, I'd think he was hiding something.

If he only sees them 5 or 6 times a year, though, that'd be like a 50/50 dad introducing his partner to his children after a couple of months

GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 07/04/2023 07:56

I think you just need to accept that this is how your relationship is.

At the end of the day, if you're going out with a person with DC and they're any kind of parent at all you are not going to be their number 1 priority. Your DP has given his reasons and he's put the most vulnerable people in his life first.
I think that says a lot about him and bodes well for your relationship as well - he values the people he loves and tries to do the right thing by them.

Original poster
mysticmegan · 07/04/2023 08:01

MyDogStoodOnABee · 07/04/2023 07:41

I was your boyfriend in this scenario and was happy with keeping two parts of my life separate for over 2 years and putting my relationship with my children first, you’re not moving in together and blending families, so what’s the issue? I introduced them when it felt natural for me and my children who were older being late teens/twenties, being badgered for a timeline wouldn’t have sped the process up, quite the opposite.

Interesting to have a male perspective who's been in a similar situation- thanks. The only issues for me are that I miss seeing him- selfish I know. And also that I feel a little self conscious when people ask and I tell them I haven't met them yet- like they're judging the relationship in some way. It's none of their business, I know, and I really shouldn't care what people think but it does upset me a little. But, to put that in perspective, that's only happened on a few occasions and nobody has ever commented negatively so it may well be all in my head what I think they might be thinking so it's not that big a deal in the bigger picture.

OP posts:
SamanthaVimes · 07/04/2023 08:07

Tbh I’d respect him more for prioritising his children, especially if he can’t see them often.
Their time with him should be about them.

Like PP say it’s not as if you’re moving in together and need to meet them out of necessity so I don’t see what the issue is. It’s unsettling for kids to meet new partners so he’s sensible to wait until a good moment / it becomes really serious.

AllOfThemWitches · 07/04/2023 08:28

MyDogStoodOnABee · 07/04/2023 07:41

I was your boyfriend in this scenario and was happy with keeping two parts of my life separate for over 2 years and putting my relationship with my children first, you’re not moving in together and blending families, so what’s the issue? I introduced them when it felt natural for me and my children who were older being late teens/twenties, being badgered for a timeline wouldn’t have sped the process up, quite the opposite.

Absolutely the same, why do my kids need to meet my boyfriend? I feel like people on here are so desperate to 'blend' families when it's not always in the best interests of the children.