To think I'm just not friend material

[Dreamegg]

I'm a woman in my mid 30s who's 'lovely, totally chill, genuine and normal (as recently described in a reference by my former landlady who I lodged with for 3 years).

But I cannot make friends. I have a couple of really good, long-term friends from my school days, but that's it (but I rarely see them, we now live far apart). I've joined club after club, joined various courses, and volunteered for many causes over the years, absolutely nobody takes an interest in me, talks to me, cares about me. I try to stick with groups, but nothing gets better, I always feel like an awkward outsider who nobody remembers, and I end up leaving. I'm interested in everyone, ask questions, offer support and help and suggest meeting up etc. Nobody ever makes an effort back. Any tips on how I can start to accept this?

Why do some people seem so attractive to others, why others are sidelined though? Do some of us just have 'don't bother with us' vibes? I don't care for making friends at work, but as an example, I started a new job 7 months ago at the same time as a couple of other new starters. One woman who started at the same time as me is really unpleasant; difficult, bitchy, boasts about herself non-stop. But everyone now flocks to her when she's in the office? She walks into the office to a chorus of 'Hi how are you, how's xyz, how are your kids?' Etc etc. She regularly meets some colleagues outside work for coffee and yoga. I walk in and nobody bats an eyelid unless I speak first. It makes me really sad.

Excuse spelling errors. 😳

@Dreamegg not drinking will be part of it I'm afraid. I get a lot less invites since I have up drink.

I am the same. I only have a really small number of people that will have a conversation with me. I have tried, tried to start conversations and build some links, especially in my new job and it is really difficult for me. But I now know that is not going to happen. We have big fat 0 in common lol. And they will happily chat with others, but silence with me.
But I made one friend and I am over the moon with that!
I think I am not chit chat material, but if I find friends (rarely) then it lasts and grow.

Acting classes. Pretend you're the most interesting person in the room and you will become it.

tell jokes, be light hearted, funny stories, be kind and never run people down or get involved in any bitchiness.

I can think if a couple of people I know, they are popular and they are all off the above.

At 54 I've realised that I am not friend material. I joined a cycling club and if I don't talk to people they don't talk to me. Even then there isn't any two way conversation, its just me asking them about their week, other hobbies, holidays etc. I work alone so really do need to be more social but its such hard work. My daughter thinks I'm too chatty and it might be off putting but if there is a happy medium then I can't find it. I've pulled right back from any social interaction right now as my brain is telling me I'm being rejected even though I know I'm (probably) not and its breeding more negative thoughts.

I think you should look at how others interact and learn from them. Introverted people can come across as standoffish, even if it's not true. People like to talk about themselves so ask questions. Find a common ground. Maintain eye contact. From there build up to a friendship. You're clearly likeable, just sounds like you're a bit shy and on the surface your colleague is naturally more extroverted.

Oh and actively listen to people's answers. I'm not introverted but I'm trying to improve myself so - like the person said, read articles about this. I didn't realise how often I interrupted for example, until I stopped!

@NameforMN

I wouldn't say I choose to be friends with people I aspire to be like. More like people I get on with and have things in common with?

But I'd say I'm plain/average looking facially, 5'7, size 10, I'm very active and physically fit. I dress like most women in their mid 30s, fairly 'fashionable' but nothing super trendy or eccentric or anything. I don't wear much makeup. I have a neutral southern UK accent. I'm certainly not someone who is full of my own self importance and my hunch is that you have to have some sort of belief you're actually important to make people notice and care about you. I do not think there's anything important about me, or anyone else for that matter, we're all just humans.

@blobby10 I'm sorry you've had this experience, although same here. It's always one way. I've been a member of a triathlon club actually for nearly 2 years and not a single person initiates a conversation with me, unless I speak first. Some of these people I see every week at run and cycling training, people I've regularly been paired up with for drills and relays etc. But they all talk to each other and seem to know each other and make zero effort with me.

Try to stay positive! I think I'm just learning to just do the things I enjoy and expect nothing from anyone else involved, and that reduces my feelings of rejection and disappointment.

@Dreamegg thankyou for sharing your experience too! It makes it less hurtful to know it’s not just me!! 😁😁

@Dreamegg . No, sorry what I meant was that others seem to be friends they aspire to be like. But , from your description you are already someone people would aspire to be like.😀I think it must be some signal we all give off, there is so many of us in the same situation. It's comforting to know as I always feel inadequate compared to DH and his swathe of friends.

But if you don’t think you’re interesting or ‘important’ and don’t think anyone else is either (which I do get may well be a self-fulfilling prophecy as you’re used to other people overlooking you), then it sounds as if you present as beige and generic, and that this is also how you perceive others. Bluntly, if you’re not important in your own eyes, why would anyone else think you were?

😂😂😂😂

I think you should focus on your relationships that are working like your old friends and your dp. I feel new friendships might spring up quite organically once you stop worrying about it and try and nurture the existing friendships more. For instance organise a weekend break for you and your old friends. And opening a social media account might be good too for both future and existing friendships. I keep to myself in work but I’ve became friendly with a couple of colleagues through being on each others social media.

lol at the comment about being a lodger is strange? It certainly isn’t unusual in London or any of the other UK cities I’ve lived in. Many people under 40, unless they’re living with a partner or family, are lodgers or tenants in a flatshare.