To think I'm just not friend material

[Dreamegg]

I'm a woman in my mid 30s who's 'lovely, totally chill, genuine and normal (as recently described in a reference by my former landlady who I lodged with for 3 years).

But I cannot make friends. I have a couple of really good, long-term friends from my school days, but that's it (but I rarely see them, we now live far apart). I've joined club after club, joined various courses, and volunteered for many causes over the years, absolutely nobody takes an interest in me, talks to me, cares about me. I try to stick with groups, but nothing gets better, I always feel like an awkward outsider who nobody remembers, and I end up leaving. I'm interested in everyone, ask questions, offer support and help and suggest meeting up etc. Nobody ever makes an effort back. Any tips on how I can start to accept this?

Why do some people seem so attractive to others, why others are sidelined though? Do some of us just have 'don't bother with us' vibes? I don't care for making friends at work, but as an example, I started a new job 7 months ago at the same time as a couple of other new starters. One woman who started at the same time as me is really unpleasant; difficult, bitchy, boasts about herself non-stop. But everyone now flocks to her when she's in the office? She walks into the office to a chorus of 'Hi how are you, how's xyz, how are your kids?' Etc etc. She regularly meets some colleagues outside work for coffee and yoga. I walk in and nobody bats an eyelid unless I speak first. It makes me really sad.

@Dreamegg not having any social media may genuinely be part of the problem you are having. You don’t have to be an avid poster but having somewhere where you can build kind of an informal rapport with people without much of the pressure and it shows people a bit about you outside of the person they have met.

It also really helps to keep in touch with people when you are busy and don’t necessarily think to text or WhatsApp. I actually deleted all SM for about 18 months and this was the bit I missed. I definitely felt more left out of things

But people I know all stay in touch with their friends and make new connections via SM and I'm always out of the loop

I think this is probably largely to 'blame'. The people you are socialising with are maintaining relationships over SM. They simply feel they know less about you and therefore feel less of a connection to you.

I don't mean this as a criticism btw, I don't use SM (too lazy!) and I do find that I have to actively make an effort to maintain my friendships because of not using it.

It’s a bit extreme to call all social media fake op! It’s just how a lot of people connect nowadays.

It doesn’t have to be fake if you use it very specifically and intentionally like your dp. I have a special interest and my social media is entirely devoted to that. (I don’t post much about my personal life at all.)

Not including Mumsnet as SM of course which is in a special category all of its own! 😃

SM is just a tool of communication like notepaper or land line telephones were in the past. You control the content. No one is obliged to post pictures of themselves, their holiday destination, their dinner or their cat. Those things are entirely under your control.

What it is great for though is keeping touch with old friends and distant cousins with whom you have lost contact and for making new connections through advertised meet ups.

For example, we attend a regular monthly dog walk advertised in a local park. We didn’t meet people immediately but have got to know them gradually, and have now made good friends through the activity who we see outside of the group.

@Talkingtomyhouseplants so sorry, I meant to quote the op’s comment about social media there, not yours!

Good for you! You were not blessed with empathy or sensitivity though, were you?

Bumping, OP.

Have you read "how to win freinds and influence people"? I was recommended it to help with networking as social skills don't come naturally to me. It's quite old fashioned and very American but I do think it has helped.

I'm sorry op, I do know how awful it is to be lonely. I'm sure you're lovely ❤️

What on Earth is the point of this post?! OP is struggling and all you've said is how great, engaging and funny you and your family are?! Well good for you 🙄

@Dreamegg I feel your pain! I’m just the same - I’ve always struggled with making friends - I have an old friend but also live miles away. I have a couple of groups of friends I go out with but I always feel like I’m tagging along to make up numbers. I am probably classed as boring as I rarely drink and I’m not interested in getting bladdered every night out. I’ve done that in my twenties so I feel I’ve got that out of my system - I’ve nothing against people who do though and certainly don’t cast judgement on those who do - it’s just not for me anymore. I’m in my mid forties and it feels as though people aren’t up for making new friends at that age. I don’t think I’m a bad person and consider myself to be a good friend. I just always feel the odd one out and do not quiet fit in. I’ve tried groups etc like you but everyone always knows each other! Maybe there are friends out there just like us but we’ve yet to find them 🤞🤞

Hilarious that someone here thinks people don't want to be friends with lodgers.

I think at work people just want to chit chat and have easy conversation. Your other colleague sounds like she shares more about herself hence it's easy for people to ask about her kids and other people in her life. Also agree with people saying social media helps grow relationships. I'll often start a conversation based on something I saw on a colleagues social media story....like oh I saw you went to that new restaurant, how was it?

I’ll be your bestie, where are you from?
I think I don’t have many friends because I don’t get involved in bitchiness and drama and therefore seem less exciting than the others. People seem to want to be mates for a while and then look at me weird when I don’t badmouth others behind their backs.

Could you have adhd - look at some online questionnaires- that could affect your socialising.

I wonder if it’s because you aren’t giving these relationships enough time?

I’be found that it usually take a while before you are accepted by a hobby group. Sometimes, you are around someone for a while before something clicks.

I also found I make friends easier when I’m not trying ( annoying advice, I know!). But perhaps if you focus on finding a sociable hobby you enjoy and stick at it, regardless of whether there are people who instantly want to become friends.

I became friends with a work colleague after bumping into her at the local gym. We’d never really spoken before at work, but it just grew organically after that. ( this was a time when I felt like I could never make friends)

on reflection, I was expecting too much, too soon and moving on if things didn’t work out instantly

How old are you? I felt very much like you when I was younger. Now, in my 40s, I've accepted that I'm just not someone who has lots of friends and I'm an introvert. Bizarrely, as I'm more comfortable with who I am, I seem to find it easier to strike up casual conversation because I'm not worried if it becomes friendship.

You can't have it all ways OP.
You don't like social media - fine but that's how most people connect now, even people in their later years are on sm.
You don't like talking about 'fluff'. A lot of people start off with easy neutral conversations to see if they are on the same wavelength, it would be a little odd to dive straight in with deep personal conversations.
You mentioned your popular colleague is 'bitchy' - is she? Or is she just chatting and sharing information with colleagues? I am assuming she can't be that terrible as she has made friends in the 7 months she has been there, either that or she is a master manipulator and no one but you can see it?
If you don't want to follow social norms that is entirely up to you, it is your life however you also must realise that will make it harder to find your tribe.

I'd look into social media. I've got friendship groups that keep in touch and make plans over social media. It's not fake, just a communication method that you can be fake or honest on.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but you will struggle if you're "that person that someone in the group has to remember to call to let them know that plans have changed because they aren't on the WhatsApp chat with everyone else". Let's be honest most of us aren't memorable enough for that and you just get left out.

I’m another one going to say that if you don’t like ‘fluff’ and can’t engage with it, it could help to explain your problems. The neutral chit-chat is so important for connecting with people and getting to know them, in the early stages of working out if this is someone you could form a more meaningful friendship with. Plus it helps to put people at ease. I think it would be very difficult to form new friends without going through a ‘fluff’ stage - it can be a way of gently exploring someone’s interests and opinions etc without getting into potentially awkward/offensive territory.

These threads are always rife with mad theories as to why someone struggles with friendships — the OP’s lodger status, the fact that she might not be sufficiently bitchy?

I will say what I generally say. OP, are you interesting to be around? What do you bring to a friendship? Because the people posting these threads always say they’re ‘nice’, ask questions, help others etc, but the fact is, however loyal, dependable and decent you may be as a friend, I will never discover that if you’re not good company enough to make me want to seek you out.

Are you interested in yourself? Do you enjoy your life? I ask because the way you relate to others sounds very focused on them. What are you like?

@retrosteamband

What a weird comment

I would say that the reverse is true for me.

I hate fluff, always have, but I've made a few friendships very quickly by talking happily about my passions and talking about other people's. Being opinionated, funny and engaged is my winning combo in a person.

I don't mind bypassing the fluff at all, and don't feel like I'm losing out by not making friends with people who do like the fluff stage.

The problem with the fluff stage is knowing how long is too long. Sometimes you feel stuck at the fluff stage.

I totally think it’s a vibe people give out. I get on with people easily but I’m far from
physically attractive so I don’t think it’s that. I wasn’t popular as a kid cos I was shy and a bit ‘different’ - now I’m much more outgoing and have a ‘normal’ life w a dh, DCs, a cat etc so can converse about regular stuff.
I have made some great friendships through work, have long standing friends from teenage years, and a few ‘mum’ friends from when DCs were at primary. I just put myself out there and am always open to new people, maybe that comes across. Most people didn’t really like the Queen Bee where I last worked, people sucked up to her cos they were scared of her!
I look at my young adult DCs, DS has always made friends easily, is a real naturally friendly person. DD is much more reserved and has struggled w friendships although ok now at uni, but it’s easy there, she doesn’t put in a lot of effort.

I'm not the most confident friend-maker in the world, partly out of mild fears of rejection/ feeling people wont be interested. But experience tells me that acting self confident and interesting gives me positive social interactions and has led to friendships. If you simply ask questions, you are giving nothing of your self- it's a balance between talking about you and talking about the other person. Acting cheerful and confident, even if you don't feel like it, is effective too.

Basically if you act like you are uninteresting and no one would like you, it's a self fulfilling prophecy.

As for work chit chat - it's part of showing you are friendly and nice. The subject matter isn't that important. Yes, it's small talk - I used to despise it but now I realise it's about making social relationships, it's not because people really care how your weekend was or whatever. But it makes you feel good because you feel a connection to someone. Even just using a person's name goes a long way - 'morning x', rather than just 'morning'. It has not much to do with likes or dislikes. I don't actively dislike many people anyway - more that I find some more interesting than others.

Practice at work or in any everyday situation. Ask someone how they are or what they did at the weekend and tell them something about you. Chat with the shop assistant about the weather or give an opinion in something non contentious etc. Always makes me feel more confident socially when I manage to do these things, because my confidence does ebb and flow.

@Catlady1978 Yeah exactly the same here. I always feel like I'm tagging along. And that people are doing me a favour my inviting me, more than actually wanting me there. I also don't drink and I think that excludes me from a lot of social bonding. I've also considered whether it's just me overthinking things, but I don't believe that's the case?

I think its a lot to do with looks, and money or stautus and attitude.

Are you conventionally attractive OP? By that I mean slim and pretty. I get treated very differently based on my weight.

I remember a woman I used to work with who was stunningly beautiful, but a bit dull. People were falling over themselves to befriend her. I remember finding it quite fascinating.

Years ago when my DCs were in primary school, we had to sets families joon at the same time. Both from abroad, both had a son and daughter in the same year groups. They also left within a week of each other about a year later when their work contract changed. Interestingly, there was a big fuss to say goodbye to own, but not the other. The popular one was friendly, whereas the other one was reserved. That's one obvious big difference. But also, the popular one lived in a very aspirational part of town and drove a flashy car. I remember another woman at the school moved 'up the hill' when her husband sold his dental practice, she also seemed to be more popular.

People want to be around others they aspire to be like.