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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are staying together for the kid, how do you manage it?

33 replies

Shechq · 06/04/2023 18:35

DH and I no longer get along but have one child together. Live in SE so life very expensive and jobs plus other relatives all here. So currently staying together for our child and due to finances. Haven't shared a bed in five years, havent been out just two of us since 2019, can't make joint or shared decisions, have different values and generally just get along anymore, plus lots of fights which isn't good. Currently on our Easter break and its just terrible. Usually we don't do many things together back home so a week just the three of us is frankly awful. So really shouldn't do shared holidays either.

To those who manage to stay together because of the kids, how do you do it. Do you split weekends and take turn, same with holidays? How do you make shared decisions esp. those involving your child like which school they go to, where do you live. Any tips?

OP posts:
Original poster
Shechq · 06/04/2023 21:39

Bump

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 06/04/2023 21:48

Sounds like a hideous life for the child. Stuck in the middle of two adults at war. Put the DC first and divorce.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 06/04/2023 21:49

No tips except that this can't be good for any of you. There was a thread the other day about families where the parents stayed together till the children grew up and in most cases the now adult children wished they hadn't as the atmosphere at home was terrible. Many felt their own relationship problems had a lot to do with not growing up learning from their parents how to make a relationship work.

Good luck.

Weallgottachangesometime · 06/04/2023 21:51

I agree with the above. It THIS really best for the child. It sounds miserable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/04/2023 21:52

Why the F are you doing this to your child!?

You’re too much of a coward to divorce so you cloak it as ‘for their sake’. Absolute BS.

user1473878824 · 06/04/2023 21:52

I’d rather my child saw me break up amicably than grew up thinking relationships are meant to be miserable…

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 06/04/2023 21:54

Why the fuck are you living like this?

The kid isn't going to be better off because the mum and dad hated each other but lived in the same house.

Who's getting any happiness out of that?! Confused

cestlavielife · 06/04/2023 21:55

But you are not staying together.
You are living apart in the saMe buiding and it is unpleasant for all

Ineedtoloseweightnow · 06/04/2023 21:56

Nobody should stay together for a child. The atmosphere is not good for anyone and surely you want your child to grow up on a loving household, be that a single parent household or 2 parent. What a child sees as a child is what they come to see as acceptable and I’d personally want my dd to expect love, respect and partnership.
My bf from schools parents stayed together for the kids. They went on separate holidays, used separate living rooms etc. everybody could see it coming apart from my friend and her brother who both took it terribly. Their life as they knew it was blown apart for them when they were 20 and 22. People seemed to think because they were grown up they should have been more understanding but she felt she had been lied to and suffered badly with depression.
I don’t think you should make this work if things are this bad it’s only going to get worse.

Flowermarket · 06/04/2023 21:56

Sounds like you're 'staying together' (not really) for financial reasons, not for your child.

Boomboom22 · 06/04/2023 21:58

When people do this they are friends, maybe best friends and do all the normal marriage stuff but sex I think. So nothing like what you're suggesting. Otherwise it wouldn't be good for the kids?

multivac · 06/04/2023 21:59

Honestly, what you are modelling is not in the kid's best interests; I promise you. It will all be absorbed, and it will resurface later in similarly damaging relationships. I feel for you, but however hard it is, you need to break up properly and healthily.

AnnaMagnani · 06/04/2023 22:00

So you are teaching your child that in a long term relationship, the adults don't share a room let alone a bed, never express any affection for each other and fight all the time.

This is not staying together for the kids, this is bringing up a kid to be a terrible adult.

Snowjokes · 06/04/2023 22:03

What you’re describing is not staying together for the kids. We went through a big relationship issue, I decided to stay and work things out for the kids. So we did - time, therapy, etc - and we have a good relationship again. What you’re describing just doesn’t benefit your child at all. Yes, life is expensive, but you just have to make it work in a way which actually does benefit your child.

StrongerThanYouTh1nk · 06/04/2023 22:08

You are staying together because you are afraid. It's completely understandable - divorce is difficult and heartbreaking even when the relationship isn't good. But you have to be honest with yourself and your child about the reasons you're staying. It's because you are afraid to break up and you're not sure if you will survive it.

Butterwicky · 06/04/2023 22:13

My parents did this - well my mum did. She hated my dad but didn't want to leave until she could afford to live in a similar sort of house and maintain a similar lifestyle. I've told her that my siblings and I would have been much happier in a council flat than with all the atmosphere we had in our detached house.

reddwarfgeek · 06/04/2023 22:19

Following.
People say leave but I know it's not easy.
I hope I can afford to leave one day. I hope you can too. What I do is sleep in a separate room and try not to engage in arguements. Enjoy your life outside of the home ie. Your job and friends , as best you can. Get little pleasures our of life to keep your spirits up. Try to squirrel money away if you can.
Agree with PP, it's no way to live. Good luck you you x

userxx · 06/04/2023 22:20

You may be kidding yourself this is best for your child but it really isn't. It's time.

Original poster
Shechq · 07/04/2023 00:00

Just read the comments and I think that's all fair enough. The suggestion of staying for the kids was actually DH's in response to me saying that we really should split up. However, the reality is we don't have much affection for each other. The first time our kid has seen us share a bed was this holiday and thats only due to costs. The problem is that I really don't know how single mums survive in London. I can't afford two grand rent on a flat but even if we sell our family home with the equity I wouldn't be able to buy. But I also have to be in the office three days per week and in my profession it's really hard to get another job elsewhere. Am genuinely sad that DC isn't growing up with the model of a loving relationship- the reality is that we don't have that. We do need to work on being more pleasant to each other. I just feel stuck andnI know that if we lived abroad, we would have split up before now.

OP posts:
BlueBunting · 07/04/2023 00:04

Honestly, this is worse for your kid. You’re modelling how they should be in a relationship, they will pick up on the negative undercurrent. Seriously it’s damaging for them not helping. But that doesn’t help with the single parent costs

Barleysugar86 · 07/04/2023 00:09

My parents split their loveless relationship when I was ten. Can't say it was easy but everybody could breathe a bit easier after. The tenseness in the house before then was just awful.

Original poster
Shechq · 07/04/2023 00:15

I think it's the fact that right now DC lives in a household where romantic relationships are modeled as bad and frankly depressing things. But lives in an alright house and area going to decent school. On the other hand, as a single parent in London they will get to live in a shitty estate, crappy schools, no cash for hobbies or clothes or much else. It's having to make that judgment call thats hard. Maybe I should start a thread about how single mums survive in London while renting and raising kids on a normal salary. It just seems really hard and alaobdetrimental in so many ways.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/04/2023 00:19

Why would your 'DH' not contribute to the upbringing of his child or rent costs?

Original poster
Shechq · 07/04/2023 00:26

Dh earns the same as me so whilst he probably would realistically contribute he would also be spending two grand on a flat plus travel plus bills etc. We are both in our 40s and at least in my case, unlikely to significantly raise my wage in the future.

OP posts:
Danskekat · 07/04/2023 00:32

Is there a particular reason that both you and your DH need to be in London, save for that is where you work? Could you both move out to a place where you could afford to live separately but which is near enough London to commute to work when you need to be in the office?

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