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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is pretty normal weeks activity for a teen?

50 replies

Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:15

DS is 14 (year 9). He has a nice group of friends but we live in a small town and they're all scattered around the surrounding countryside so they can't just knock for eachother.

This week DS has spent a morning volunteering, done some revision, been to the gym, walked the dog with me and watched a film. The majority of the rest of the time he's been on his VR with his mates.

Next week he has a hike planned with friends, a bike ride and we're going away for a couple of days.

DH has mentioned to me a few times that when he was that age he was out with his mates all day, everyday. Just hanging around the park, the shops, eachothers houses etc.

I used to do the same and I do see teens hanging out but it certainly isn't what DS and his friends do.

What are your teens up to. Does this sound OK? A good balance? I would like him to be out more but I don't want to nag him and create an issue if there isn't one.

YABU kids should be out more
YANBU sounds standard

Also got some guilt going on that we can't afford to go away for more than 2 days.

OP posts:
Hollyhead · 06/04/2023 17:17

It sounds ok to me - the hanging out on technology is the same as being at the same house in my mind. We didn't do that because we didn't have the same access - I wasn't ever allowed to use the landline before 6pm!!

YellowGreenBlue · 06/04/2023 17:17

It sounds very normal to me (I have three teens). The difference compared to when your DH was young is gaming - they can now interact online, so they don't need to meet up in person so often.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/04/2023 17:18

It sounds nice and I wouldn’t feel bad if this is how he wants to spend his holiday. It sounds balanced.

Is it right that he’s not seeing his friends at all, just on VR? I suppose I’d expect him to take the opportunity to actually meet them in the holidays but there’s nothing wrong if he doesn’t.

Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:19

Xmasbaby11 · 06/04/2023 17:18

It sounds nice and I wouldn’t feel bad if this is how he wants to spend his holiday. It sounds balanced.

Is it right that he’s not seeing his friends at all, just on VR? I suppose I’d expect him to take the opportunity to actually meet them in the holidays but there’s nothing wrong if he doesn’t.

He's seeing his friends next week for the hike and the bike ride.

OP posts:
Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:20

YellowGreenBlue · 06/04/2023 17:17

It sounds very normal to me (I have three teens). The difference compared to when your DH was young is gaming - they can now interact online, so they don't need to meet up in person so often.

Thankyou, that's a good perspective on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:20

Hollyhead · 06/04/2023 17:17

It sounds ok to me - the hanging out on technology is the same as being at the same house in my mind. We didn't do that because we didn't have the same access - I wasn't ever allowed to use the landline before 6pm!!

Very true!

OP posts:
Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:22

The irony is that if he was hanging out all day every day in the park I'd be worried about that too! He says it's boring.

I think I'm also missing the days of taking him to the zoo, park, soft play etc. I suddenly feel a bit redundant. Guilty that I'm working while he's home alone but when I am home with him, I don't really know what to do!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/04/2023 17:23

Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:20

Very true!

Show quote history

Absolutely this! They socialise in very different ways nowadays.

QueefQueen80s · 06/04/2023 17:24

I actually think he sounds busy, maybe I'm the odd one 🤔 No way would I want my teen out all day just hanging round.

skgnome · 06/04/2023 17:24

Similar going on for my DD - most of her friends are either a 30min train ride away, so cannot pop over to their houses or away this week
she has sent quite a bit of time playing online games while on a WhatsApp call to her friends
of course, she has been doing other things, but as for social life it’s a lot online
my DH also mentioned how when he was in high school his friends used to bring consoles to a house and even a spare monitor to game in the same space… but we’re talking pre-on line gaming…

YellowGreenBlue · 06/04/2023 17:25

I agree with @QueefQueen80s that I'd be more concerned if he was just hanging out in the park and streets all day.

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 06/04/2023 17:26

I have 3 teens, two are revising for A levels and GCSEs, third is same age as yours and he’s been home all week gaming as he has a cold (other than getting the bus to the shops to buy Prime). We’re away today and tomorrow and he’ll come out for walks/to the shops and are all going to the theatre on Monday.

Other than that he may meet up to play 5a side, pop to the shops and come to the gym -he was stymied both by being ill and DH and I working

Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:27

YellowGreenBlue · 06/04/2023 17:25

I agree with @QueefQueen80s that I'd be more concerned if he was just hanging out in the park and streets all day.

Yes I completely agree. They can't win can they!

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 06/04/2023 17:31

Life is different for this generation. Your son's level of social activity feels normal for now.

FlyingPandas · 06/04/2023 17:38

Totally normal OP (parent of two teens and a preteen here).

Their lives are inevitably very different now in the age of technology we live in. As long as there is balance i.e. they are not literally gaming 24/7 then it's fine.

"Back in our day" (as the saying goes) we were far more limited in terms of activities and I don't actually think the 'hanging around the park all day' is particularly ideal either.

I think your DS seems to have a nice mix of activities tbh.

Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:44

Thanks everyone. I'll show these replies to DH. Very reassuring.

OP posts:
Time4achangeagain · 06/04/2023 17:49

Is it reassuring though? Mine aren’t teens yet but I find the idea so depressing that so much of their socialising is online. Im not Suggesting there’s anything you can do about it but it just seems unhealthy somehow. Just not natural. Surely humans are programmed to need real life interaction

0hs0s0rry · 06/04/2023 17:55

I think back in the day we didn’t have the technology, so in order to communicate with our friends, we had to physically meet them.

Your DS has a good balance compared to many these days. I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s still interacting with his friends even if it is a mix of virtual and in person.

Hanging around eachothers houses isn’t the same these days either. People are still working from home or have other things going on. And anyone hanging around the park or shops all day isn’t seen as just ‘hanging around’ either.

Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:57

Time4achangeagain · 06/04/2023 17:49

Is it reassuring though? Mine aren’t teens yet but I find the idea so depressing that so much of their socialising is online. Im not Suggesting there’s anything you can do about it but it just seems unhealthy somehow. Just not natural. Surely humans are programmed to need real life interaction

Yes, it's reassured me that DS is no different to other teens. He is getting real life interaction but as others have pointed out, socialising is different for teens these day especially when you live rurally and you can't just knock for your mates.

I think it would be unhealthy if he was spending the whole week gaming but he's not.

OP posts:
Breezycheesetrees · 06/04/2023 18:00

Time4achangeagain · 06/04/2023 17:49

Is it reassuring though? Mine aren’t teens yet but I find the idea so depressing that so much of their socialising is online. Im not Suggesting there’s anything you can do about it but it just seems unhealthy somehow. Just not natural. Surely humans are programmed to need real life interaction

My thought exactly 😞Mine aren't teens yet and aren't allowed to game, I really hope this isn't going to be our reality in a few years time.

Breezycheesetrees · 06/04/2023 18:02

Sorry OP, that wasn't a dig at you - it sounds like your son has a nice range of activities. I meant the general "oh, they don't need to bother meeting up in person these days, they can hang out online" makes me so sad for today's teenagers.

Original poster
Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 18:06

Breezycheesetrees · 06/04/2023 18:02

Sorry OP, that wasn't a dig at you - it sounds like your son has a nice range of activities. I meant the general "oh, they don't need to bother meeting up in person these days, they can hang out online" makes me so sad for today's teenagers.

I understand what you're saying. When DS was in primary school he/we were out all the time. We live in a lovely area where kids can play out and he'd be out playing every day after school. Endless play dates, clubs etc.

It does change massively once they reach secondary school. I'm glad he's got a nice group of friends but they do all game. It's been unavoidable. He has a love of the outdoors though so I hope he'll never lose that.

OP posts:
Sarah180818 · 06/04/2023 19:00

I definitely think teens socialise in a different way and to be honest I wouldn't want my DD hanging round with friends all day. My DD has friends over for a sleepover and visits friends for sleepovers or to hang out for a few hours but we have a nice balance between her doing things with her friends and doing things with us. I see groups of teenagers hanging round the streets and feel pleased and relieved my DD doesn't want to do that to be honest.

Spirini · 06/04/2023 21:10

Sounds like a great balance to me. I'd be delighted if I'd a teen boy with that blend of in/out/online. Seems v healthy.

Time4achangeagain · 07/04/2023 11:31

Homelyhome183 · 06/04/2023 17:57

Yes, it's reassured me that DS is no different to other teens. He is getting real life interaction but as others have pointed out, socialising is different for teens these day especially when you live rurally and you can't just knock for your mates.

I think it would be unhealthy if he was spending the whole week gaming but he's not.

Show quote history

Sorry if I sounded like my comment was aimed at you, OP. Like you say it sounds like your children are having a good balance. I was thinking more broadly, but should have started a post myself if I wanted a debate!