To feel so behind in life and jealous of others

[Megsh85]

I feel awful even feeling like this as it isn’t like me to ever get jealous at other peoples lives but my mind can’t stop it right now.

I’m on maternity leave and maybe I have too much time on my hands but going back to work soon.

I have a lovely heathy first baby with my husband, we live in a one bed flat in a fantastic location so we have everything at our doorstep with the sea nearby and also green spaces which is great but it’s small. Baby is in with us and works fine.
However we are renting, we have no savings and no chance of a mortgage in the next few years due to my DH low credit rating and debt which he’s paying off. Will take a couple of years.

Most of my friends have mortgages, live in big houses or are spending thousands on new extensions, new kitchens. I’m struggling so much to not feel sad that we are nowhere near that, and embarrassed we live in a small space so don’t invite anyone over as worried they’ll judge.

we have good jobs, not spectacular salary’s but good enough. before baby we did a lot of travelling which is why we don’t have savings but I find myself regretting what we’ve done as if we didn’t spend all that money we could have got a house instead. I feel trapped in my tiny flat but at the same time I love where we live as it’s been great to take our baby out with easy access to everything.

I see people in my life progressing everywhere, with amazing homes, some have worked hard, some of them have had deposits handed to them, or were able to stay with parents to live with so they could save and we don’t have anything like that. I get my parents saying how is it that this person has got a big house with a smaller salary but you don’t? Well they lived with parents paying no rent.

I sound like an ungrateful cow, how do I change the way I’m feeling?

I totally empathise OP. The way I have started to see it is there are pros and cons to everything. You got to travel and live in a great area - and your friends in the big houses potentially never had the chance to do either of these things. So difficult to avoid the comparison and pressure though and trying to remain grateful for the positives.

A big house and mortgage really isn't what life is all about.

You should ignore your parents for a start.

I have a nice house. No partner, no baby, serious mental health problems which have screwed up previous relationships. I'd swap lives if you like.

Let yourself grieve what you don't have. But also think about who you're comparing with, and who you're not. And even those who have it all might have a harder time of it at some other point in their life.

I think it’s important to recognise that where you are is a mixture of fortunes and choices. So yes, you have had less parental help than some other people, but you’ve also made choices that mean you’re less financially stable than some others ( travelling and being with someone who has historic debts). You kind of have to own those choices and accept the consequences. If in hindsight you think you made the wrong decision, just make your peace with it.

i actually wrote on another thread that I regret taking a year off to travel when I was 25. The good thing is that it didn’t have long lasting ramifications- just made life a bit harder than it needed to be for a while.

Some of life's blessings come down to choices and some comes down to luck.
I personally think that good physical and mental health is the most important thing to have and that many of us do not appreciate this until we no longer have it. Emotional health is also important and we can choose to work on this and I think this is what you are looking to do in your post.
Maybe concentrate on making yours and your family's lives the happiest they can be. Living by the sea sounds pretty awesome to me.
The UK has deliberately created a situation where there are not enough houses to go round and it's an increasing issue for more and more of us that we can't afford to buy or even to rent suitable homes. It's a national disgrace but the situation has been created by governments.
Your friends maybe didn't get into debt, maybe didn't spend on travelling, maybe had a helping hand from their parents, maybe have had some lucky breaks at work, maybe have second jobs, or have found lucrative ways to use their talents, I'm sure you know this already.
It's tough OP and you are not the only one to be struggling to find suitable housing.

Hi!
Ok first please stop comparing your life to anyone's! You are on your own path in life,they are on theirs.What is meant for you will not pass you by.
You have amazing memories ,you'll be able to tell your dc about them and give them confidence to travel.
These people in the big houses won't have it all,believe me.Just because it looks idyllic does not mean it is.
Nobody thinks they have done better than you,in fact they could see you as well travelled,living in a beautiful location with your dh and a gorgeous baby!
don't put pressure on yourself and try to live with gratitude as it will definitely help you to feel very happy with your lot.💐

I think everyone feels like this at times, and no matter what your lifestyle is, there is always someone who has something more or better. The trick is not to let the critical voice in your head spoil the joy and positivity in your life.

Look at what you’ve said:

You live in a great location that gives you freedom to get out and about.

You both have decent jobs.

Your DH is paying off his debts.

Your place is small, but you’ve got your baby in with you and it’s working out Ok for now.

You live near the sea! 😍

This is a good life. And you have years ahead to change things if you want to. Your baby is still small. Relax and enjoy what’s good in your life, and shut down negative conversations about big houses etc with your parents. They’re not helpful.

OP, you never know what goes on in people’s lives behind closed doors. There will always be someone with “better” and “more”. You have your family, the security of jobs and a roof over your head. You can build on that, it’s a solid start.

I have a friend who lives in a big beautiful house. Looks amazing from the outside. But on the inside she's going through a horrendous divorce, children are really messed up, her teenagers are a nightmare (exclusion from school, police etc), she is ill with the stress and exhaustion of it all and it's just a very very unhappy home.

You sound like you have a loving family, you're healthy and you have good jobs. Get an independent financial advisor to advise you re your financial goals and plan your finances accordingly. With the right use of your money and by working hard, you will achieve your goals if you're healthy. Best of luck.

We have our own terraced house having prioritised getting a mortgage quite young over other experiences.

I am happy with what we have but (maybe this will reassure you) I feel like there is so much of the world I haven’t seen and that makes me sad sometimes. I’m not truly convinced we’ll travel later in life as we don’t have a huge amount of financial security by way of pensions etc so that’s another ‘boring’ thing we’ll probably prioritise.

Being sensible and knowing YOLO is a tricky balancing act. I don’t think we’ve quite mastered it!

I don’t beat myself up about it though. We’ve made our own choices and we certainly can’t have everything…

Don't worry you will get there! Sounds like you live in a good place. Could you afford to move somewhere cheaper for more space if you need it? Make you feel a bit more sane whilst you save/ pay off debts. Also have you applied for a mortgage? Might be worth seeing whether the credit situation is a bad as you think. Shared ownership could also be an option?

We have 2 kids now. Until a year ago we were squished into our ex council flat. All on top of each other. Great location but grubby building. We'd need there for years and I was so embarrassed by it compared to others. I was really lucky really but it's hard not to compare yourself with others. Anyway, after years of searching we found a house a mile away from where we were. It's not perfect but I feel a bit more caught up with my peers.

Just focus on the long game. Neither of my kids had 'a nursery' as three had to share with us. It's not made any difference to them. Focus on what you do have and enjoy living in a good area with everything on your doorstep.

IMO a lot of people that 'have it all' have had a LOT of help from parents or family. Some acknowledge it others don't. I have one friend whose dad gave her £600000. She has an enormous house and a tiny mortgage. She works one day a week and her husband has a poorly paid job. On the outside youd think she was super successful but it's just family money.

I can relate to suddenly feeling like you have no space after having a child. You're on a different path than your friends, maybe they envied your travelling while they were saving for their houses. Where you live sounds lovely and central and how lovely to have the sea close by! Congratulations on your new baby!

You have chosen to start a family rather than save, save save and plough that money into a house deposit. Many child-free people will have more disposable income, be working longer hours and earning more. It's just priorities, and doing things in a different order, not failure.

Travel is worth it's wait in gold to me. Plus you have a healthy baby. The comparison trap will always have us coming up short. You sound like you've had a marvellous life!

Focus on what you've got rather than what you've not got.

Try not to compare your life with others. It's just a waste of time, instead keep focusing on something you can control such as how to improve your life, what to do next when you go back to your work after maternity leave and etc.

I think most people tend to feel like this at one point or another in their lives.

As PP said it sounds in your case it's been a mixture of fortune and choices. I have friends who prioritised travelling in the same way and others like me who prioritised savings and buying a house and others who don't have the money to do either. It's just the way life is.

I was very fortunate that my grandparents helped us with a house deposit but our house is too small for us really and its unlikely we can upgrade any time soon. I sometimes compare myself to those friends who got help and managed to buy a bigger/better/more suitable house than we did with it. It's swings and roundabouts there will always be someone better off.

There could be someone looking at your life OP and thinking the same thing, perhaps someone who can't have children, someone who couldn't buy ever at all nevermind just in a few years and on and on... It's useless comparing but hard not to do I know.

I think a lot of people feel this way at some point in their lifetime.

I’m sure you don’t need me telling you this but it is all relative - there are people out there desperately wishing they could afford to rent, meet a wonderful husband or have a baby. That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid but sometimes when you’re having these jealous feelings remind yourself of what you do have and that there are people wishing they could have what you have.

It is easy in hindsight looking back and wishing you didn’t spend money on travelling etc so that you can afford a house but just think of the amazing life experiences you have had. Not only will you have a house one day, but you have also travelled too.

You’ll probably find that your friends have envied you at points in your life and that you have envied them.

Congratulations on your baby - we are due ours in a few weeks in a small flat and I can relate to finding the space for everything!

You've travelled! You're cultured and have been independent.

Those are 3 things you have that your friends who lived with their parents won't have.

We downsized from our big house. We have a 2 bed now. Other friends have HUGE houses and huge financial stresses to go with it. Which sometimes lead to divorce and resentment.

Enjoy what you have. Enjoy what you've done. Get some photos from your travelling printed and up on the wall - remind yourself every single day where you've been, who you've met and what you've learnt x

As your DC grows up they'll ask you SO many questions about your travels. They'll really look up to you with excitement and wonder.

Get a big print of the world map up on your wall so it's a focus point in your life and the topic of conversations. Be proud of what you HAVE done.

You need a mantra "I don't have a big house but I've seen the world" 😍

I’m in the exact same position OP! ❤️

I can totally understand this. I have never been given support and moved out of home young and paid my own way through uni etc - I would not live with in laws or like handouts though

as it is I don’t feel I owe anyone anything and I travelled in school holidays (teacher) and we’ve only bought I forever home in our late 40s and it’s not going to be finished for years (plus rurally so not near the sea or city! )

is there a compromise so you could get a 2 bed within the next year or so ? Renting ?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

For example I have lots of savings and a beautiful house in a beautiful area. However I have a lot of trauma, no partner and no children.

It's rose coloured glasses you are looking through at everyone's lives trust me!

I’m older and I had an epiphany when I was in my early forties.

I finally realised that very, very few people have the perfect life that you see on the outside. There’s nearly always something else going on with them.

For me it was a couple of new parents at my Dds village school. They’d recently moved from London and had bought a beautiful big house half a minute from the primary school in the next village from me. She had a fabulous freelance well paid and slightly glamorous job which fitted in well with children. He had previously been in a well paid banking job, but they decided to relocate and he was training as a plumber. It would also mean he could do more childcare.

But it turned out he had depression and this move was really all about giving him a stress free life. So you see, not so great.

Life is hard for most of us, most of the times. We let the good times fly past without realising they are the good times.

Now when I see people that ‘have it all’ I feel so glad for them. The chances are that sorrow and bad times will come knocking. So I just happy for them to have this time in the sun.

I guess ‘Count your Blessings’ is the closest cliche.

We let the good times fly past without realising they are the good times love this!

I’m at a different life stage to you, but I get this so much. I’m a terrible one for comparing myself to those better off than me and thinking “I should have” xyz. And forgetting that on one salary, as a single parent, I won’t be able to afford as much as two people at similar career stages. But I don’t have to live with anyone else or share my space which is what I’ve chosen.