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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so behind in life and jealous of others

40 replies

Megsh85 · 06/04/2023 08:50

I feel awful even feeling like this as it isn’t like me to ever get jealous at other peoples lives but my mind can’t stop it right now.

I’m on maternity leave and maybe I have too much time on my hands but going back to work soon.

I have a lovely heathy first baby with my husband, we live in a one bed flat in a fantastic location so we have everything at our doorstep with the sea nearby and also green spaces which is great but it’s small. Baby is in with us and works fine.
However we are renting, we have no savings and no chance of a mortgage in the next few years due to my DH low credit rating and debt which he’s paying off. Will take a couple of years.

Most of my friends have mortgages, live in big houses or are spending thousands on new extensions, new kitchens. I’m struggling so much to not feel sad that we are nowhere near that, and embarrassed we live in a small space so don’t invite anyone over as worried they’ll judge.

we have good jobs, not spectacular salary’s but good enough. before baby we did a lot of travelling which is why we don’t have savings but I find myself regretting what we’ve done as if we didn’t spend all that money we could have got a house instead. I feel trapped in my tiny flat but at the same time I love where we live as it’s been great to take our baby out with easy access to everything.

I see people in my life progressing everywhere, with amazing homes, some have worked hard, some of them have had deposits handed to them, or were able to stay with parents to live with so they could save and we don’t have anything like that. I get my parents saying how is it that this person has got a big house with a smaller salary but you don’t? Well they lived with parents paying no rent.

I sound like an ungrateful cow, how do I change the way I’m feeling?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/04/2023 13:05

We let the good times fly past without realising they are the good times.

That’s very true!

TheNoodlesIncident · 06/04/2023 13:06

The thing is, you've chosen to prioritise different things. It doesn't make you wrong but it's taken you a different route than if you'd prioritised saving. There's no sense in looking at how others are doing and comparing them to you because their circumstances are all different and they've made different choices. Plus as other have said into each life some rain must fall, and it's very true; nobody gets through life unscathed and so many have "scar tissue" that doesn't show on the outside.

Your best move now is to cherish what you DO have and look to improve your lot where you can, and accept what you can't change.

Hankunamatata · 06/04/2023 13:08

Comparison is the thief of joy

Literally this. Dh for the longest time, hated our small terrace house. As his friends had lovely detached or semi detached. It annoyed him so much. He couldn't be happy living the lovely life we were living. Until he one of us was made redundant and we could still afford our house. He has now learned to love what we have and the life that we have. Big swanky houses and kitchens doesn't equal happiness

Showersugar · 06/04/2023 13:14

Megsh85 · 06/04/2023 08:50

I feel awful even feeling like this as it isn’t like me to ever get jealous at other peoples lives but my mind can’t stop it right now.

I’m on maternity leave and maybe I have too much time on my hands but going back to work soon.

I have a lovely heathy first baby with my husband, we live in a one bed flat in a fantastic location so we have everything at our doorstep with the sea nearby and also green spaces which is great but it’s small. Baby is in with us and works fine.
However we are renting, we have no savings and no chance of a mortgage in the next few years due to my DH low credit rating and debt which he’s paying off. Will take a couple of years.

Most of my friends have mortgages, live in big houses or are spending thousands on new extensions, new kitchens. I’m struggling so much to not feel sad that we are nowhere near that, and embarrassed we live in a small space so don’t invite anyone over as worried they’ll judge.

we have good jobs, not spectacular salary’s but good enough. before baby we did a lot of travelling which is why we don’t have savings but I find myself regretting what we’ve done as if we didn’t spend all that money we could have got a house instead. I feel trapped in my tiny flat but at the same time I love where we live as it’s been great to take our baby out with easy access to everything.

I see people in my life progressing everywhere, with amazing homes, some have worked hard, some of them have had deposits handed to them, or were able to stay with parents to live with so they could save and we don’t have anything like that. I get my parents saying how is it that this person has got a big house with a smaller salary but you don’t? Well they lived with parents paying no rent.

I sound like an ungrateful cow, how do I change the way I’m feeling?

One day you're going to look back and feel so proud of the idyllic start you gave your baby - your lifestyle by the sea sounds absolutely gorgeous and so much more gratifying than kitchens and extensions.

You can chase that pedestrian stuff in time should you choose to (it's not my cup of tea but each to their own) - but for now try to stop and smell the roses, you've got a bouquet under your nose.

CosieRotton · 06/04/2023 13:16

Adulting is tough!

It’s true that some people make good decisions which set them up well, however there are so many variables that go into who we are and how we lead our lives, it’s so destructive to compare.

I made poor money choices when I was young and didn’t manage my money and got myself into debt which took until my late 30s to pay off. I can’t even say that at least I travelled the world! Why didn’t I make better decisions? I don’t know. I had a fairly comfortable upbringing so I never had to think about money, but also my parents were bad with money and never really modelled good financial behaviours or even discussed money management with us. There are many things I will do differently with my son!

I have a good job now, but my financial security and assets are very much dependent on my partner.

The thing is we all have aspects of our lives where either life has let us down, or maybe we have let ourselves down, but all we can do is make the best of what we have from now. Learn from the past, but don’t beat yourself up about it.

And stop comparing, you’re comparing your negatives to other people’s positives, and also you just can’t see all the complexities that have led others to where they are now.

coeurnoir · 06/04/2023 13:16

before baby we did a lot of travelling which is why we don’t have savings but I find myself regretting what we’ve done as if we didn’t spend all that money we could have got a house instead.

Don't regret travelling. Just look back on the wonderful experiences and adventures you had.

I wish I'd travelled more before settling down and having kids early. I know people say that you can always travel, but there's something different about doing it as a young person - more energy and fewer hangovers for a start.

I'd bet that a lot of,your friends who are now saddled with large mortgages and loans for extensions might well be jealous of the fantastic life you had pre baby and the low maintenance lifestyle that you have now.

CosieRotton · 06/04/2023 13:19

Ps, it’s fantastic your DH is paying off his debt. It’s SO hard to do and something lots of people struggle with and there’s a lot of shame attached to it, so kudos to him and to you for supporting him!

It sounds like you’ve a lot to be happy about, big kitchens aren’t all that!

Architectahoy · 06/04/2023 13:35

Hey @Megsh85 this will make you laugh. I recently went to an architecture lecture and the chap (quite a famous architect!) stood up at the front and said

"The problem these days is that most architects spend all their time designing vast kitchens and less time designing homes that are suitable for the environment and occupants mental health. We have all these broken people with nice kitchens"

We all looked around at each other and nodded. Yes, most of our clients are fussed about their ridiculous kitchens rather than whether their home makes them actually happy.

Its messed up. I happily live in a 55sqm 2 bed home. It makes me happy. X

junebirthdaygirl · 06/04/2023 13:43

I would say a lot of people would be jealous of you: you got to travel, have a good dh..even if he has debts..a lovely new baby, live near the sea, both have good jobs..l could go on! Everything will be fine. When the debts are paid that money can go towards savings for a house. Meantime enjoy your cosy little set up..make no apologies for it and when Summer comes invite all your friends to a picnic by the sea. They will be jealous!!

Supernova23 · 06/04/2023 13:50

I'm sure people look at you and think isn't she lucky, a husband, a baby, a place of their own. It's all about perspective. You live within your means. A lot of the people you see with "nice" material things do not. Big house? probably mortgaged up to the eyeballs. New kitchen? a loan is paying for that. Posh car? almost always on finance. Don't take things on face value. Most people who "have it all" are up their eyeballs in debt and don't actually own any of what you think they do, the bank does.

The best thing to have is your health. If you and your loved ones have that, then you really are winning at life.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 06/04/2023 16:15

I've been doing this lately. 42 almost, earn 29k which is the most I've ever been on and I'm grateful for it. No mortgage and have never had one as rented since I was 22 but have moved around and lived in London at one point. We have had to pay off loads of debt and should be ready to buy in a couple of years but I'm starting to panic.

MyMachineAndMe · 06/04/2023 16:23

I think that owning your house is not all it's cracked up to be. We're in our 40s now, with 2 dc, and we still rent. We have a council house and I can't see us leaving here, or buying or own house, ever. We don't own it but it's still our home and we are happy, healthy and have everything we need.

Look at what you do have and remember that many of those with money for extensions etc may only be happy on the outside. You don't know what happens when their doors are closed.

Mimilamore · 06/04/2023 17:38

Focus on what you have not what you don't have.... how many homeless families would love your flat. Childless couples would love your baby. You have health that is wealth. Take pleasure in the smaller things in life, not all that glitters is gold x

Turmerictolly · 06/04/2023 19:04

I'm in my 50's and never regretted travelling when I was younger although it meant getting on the property ladder later. Now all of my friends have paid off their mortgages or have very low mortgages but some have developed health problems which mean they can't travel far or do adventurous travelling. Hopefully you'll get an opportunity to buy something once your dc are in school.

JamSandle · 06/04/2023 21:58

Turmerictolly · 06/04/2023 19:04

I'm in my 50's and never regretted travelling when I was younger although it meant getting on the property ladder later. Now all of my friends have paid off their mortgages or have very low mortgages but some have developed health problems which mean they can't travel far or do adventurous travelling. Hopefully you'll get an opportunity to buy something once your dc are in school.

Absolutely! Travel when you can because it isn't guaranteed in future.

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