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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this a bit rude?

33 replies

SettleDoon · 05/04/2023 22:00

Me and an ex from my teenage years reconnected recently. Nothing romantic, as stbxh and I split at Christmas and he has come out of a weird situationship recently too.

We have been texting more often in recent weeks, most days actually. We met up twice this past month and enjoyed just chatting into the early hours. We have hugged at the end of the evening, but that's it. If I ever post selfies, he responds with a flame or a heart, so I assume he is attracted to me.

We've never discussed what this thing is, but I just want to be friends and I assume he does too. However, I enjoy spending time with him.

After seeing him on Saturday, he contacted me on Monday saying he was going to try to get his friends to come over to a cafe close to my work place on Tuesday (yesterday) as they all have a joint hobby they enjoy doing in different cafes on Tuesdays. I told him it would be too tempting not to pop in and say "hi" since he would be so close by. He said he would love that and would love another one of my hugs. He said he would let me know what they all decide.

I contacted him on my lunch yesterday asking him whether they had made a decision yet. He said they were all still doing a vote and that he would let me know.

Then nothing.

Thankfully, I had plans to meet with some friends at a nearby cafe for some board games after work, but I spent the whole time distracted and checking my phone to see if he had messaged. I was going to slip out (my friends were happy with this) if this guy and his friends had decided to come to the nearby cafe and spend a bit of time with him before heading home. But he didn't contact me again that evening. I assume they didn't travel over, and stayed in their usual spot, but I felt a bit let down that he didn't let me know. I was distracted all evening and feel frustrated with myself for allowing that to be the case. I wouldn't have minded not seeing him, but I wish he'd have just let me know either way.

He has contacted me a few times today. Once to tell me a recent episode of a show we both watch was amazing, another to send me a funny TikTok, and then again to put a flame emoji on my selfie. I have ignored all of this because I feel a bit crappy about the situation and don't know how to respond. Equally, I think I am possibly being unreasonable and should just continue as before.

What do you all think?
Thanks.

OP posts:
Muddydogpawprints · 05/04/2023 22:04

I'd have taken it that he'd let me know if they'd decided yes they'd come to that particular cafe, otherwise I'd not expect to hear from him on the matter. But I can see how you might read that differently.
I think you might be more keen on him that you're trying to convince yourself if you're this worked up by it and the fact that you wrote going to ditch your friends and meet him!

bridgetreilly · 05/04/2023 22:05

I think YABU and massively over-thinking everything here.

MsWhitworth · 05/04/2023 22:06

I think you like him.

He didn’t do anything wrong really.

Albiboba · 05/04/2023 22:07

It was rude to invite yourself in the first place. He said yes because he felt like he had to, he didn’t further the plans because he didn’t want to and you pushed again anyway.

ThatFraggle · 05/04/2023 22:09

He's just not that into you.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 22:10

I feel like you're getting too worked up about this if you just want to be friends.

I don't think he's done anything wrong.

It sounds like you probably like him more than what you think you do/what you're making out. You were being a bit pushy.

Do you hope it could be something more at some point?

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/04/2023 22:11

Well 8f you do like him then ignoring his texts isn't going to send him the right message. Don't expect him to read your mind - either ask him about the cafe thing, or forget it and move on.

Original poster
SettleDoon · 05/04/2023 22:14

Albiboba · 05/04/2023 22:07

It was rude to invite yourself in the first place. He said yes because he felt like he had to, he didn’t further the plans because he didn’t want to and you pushed again anyway.

Definitely not the case. I believe he was trying to get his friends over to my area so that we could see each other again. That was quite clear by our conversation and was why I actually made the comment about it being tempting not to pop in to say hi. Much more to the conversation than written here.

OP posts:
LibrariansGiveUsPower · 05/04/2023 22:16

You re-like him.

You need to work out your feelings on this.

Tilllly · 05/04/2023 22:17

Sounds like this could be rekindling

Don't spoil it by over thinking it

Just let it happen

thegrain · 05/04/2023 22:18

You clearly both fancy each other just invite him over for a shag

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 05/04/2023 22:22

I don't think he did anything wrong there.
Have you admitted to yourself that you like him more than a friend yet?

Original poster
SettleDoon · 05/04/2023 22:25

This whole situation has made me wonder whether I like him more than a friend. I just know I don't want to pursue anything with him at the moment, if ever. I am coming out of such a messy marriage.

OP posts:
Hopelesscynic · 05/04/2023 22:28

I do think it was rude actually and would piss me off. You don't mention possibly going near a friend/romantic interest's work and wanting another hug, then saying "still voting", then nothing. Rude even if he is just a friend. Then he nonchalantly sends you other messages as if that conversation never existed. I am the type of person who likes to communicate clearly and straightforwardly with people, this kind of behaviour would definitely put me off.

KrisAkabusi · 05/04/2023 22:31

You assume he's attracted to you and he wants to meet up again because he'd love another of your special hugs. Bullshit to this is just friends! You need to admit this to yourself.

JMSA · 05/04/2023 22:33

I think he was a bit rude, regardless of whether you're just friends or not.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 05/04/2023 22:35

I do think it’s rude not to get back to someone but you could also have just sent him a message asking about it.

BreviloquentBastard · 05/04/2023 22:36

You want to be "just friends" but you'd bail at the drop of a hat on a night out with your other friend group just to meet up with him if he asked you to? Girl. I don't know any friends I'd be this flakey for.

First, you need to admit to yourself that you have feelings for this person, because you're not in highschool and this faux-aloof "I just want to be friends" bullshit is no longer cute.

Second, once you've gotten past step one, invite him out for a proper date ffs and stop pretending you're both only interested in "friendship".

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/04/2023 22:38

I think he should have text you to say he would or would not be there that evening as just polite but at least you know where you stand. Message if you feel like it but don't expect more than he is giving. Take time to be single or you may find yourself on the rebound with him.

PapadamPreach · 05/04/2023 22:40

What do you all think?

I think you’re heading for heartbreak. You’re already placing too much value on this man and his use of your time.

If you were my friend, I’d tell you to take sometime to be alone and get your divorce sorted.

GoldDustt · 05/04/2023 22:42

You start by saying you want to be just friends, that's clearly not at all what you want to be. Just friends wouldn't be hung up on something like this. But maybe because you are supposed to be just friends he's thought nothing of not getting back to you. He's told you he'd let you know but they possibly didn't decide so there was nothing to tell you. He's done nothing wrong, but now you're annoyed at him for treating you like a friend when all you apparently want is to just be friends.

🤯🤯🤯

MynameisJune · 05/04/2023 22:49

You’re acting like a school girl, have you regressed to when you first dated? It all seems a bit too much drama and neediness to be adults.

Just tell him you like him.

Original poster
SettleDoon · 05/04/2023 22:51

PapadamPreach · 05/04/2023 22:40

What do you all think?

I think you’re heading for heartbreak. You’re already placing too much value on this man and his use of your time.

If you were my friend, I’d tell you to take sometime to be alone and get your divorce sorted.

This is exactly why I am so frustrated with myself. I woke up to this today. Why am I placing so much value on this man when I don't want to pursue anything with him romantically. Bloody hell.

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 22:52

You obviously ARE thinking about him romantically.

Original poster
SettleDoon · 05/04/2023 22:55

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 05/04/2023 22:52

You obviously ARE thinking about him romantically.

Yes, I have established this. But I don't want to pursue anything with him romantically. I am fresh out of a marriage and feel it would blow my life up. Plus, there's a few red flags with this guy.

OP posts: