I need advice….I’m being bullied by my managers daughter!

[Ladybones]

I want to preface by saying I enjoy my job, it’s good hours, lovely team and great wage and I’ve been here for 2 years. Manager is usually on board and great and I like him.

However, his daughter is also part of our team (we are both in our 30’s, manager in his 60’s) and I’ve been having some issues with her.

Me and her had always got on well until Christmas when she suddenly stopped engaging with me within work. Wouldn’t respond to teams messages, wouldn’t speak to me if I was in a room with her and I had zero idea what I had done.

I then simply asked her after a few weeks and she said that I had upset her by not inviting her to lunch a few weeks earlier when I’d gone to her favourite restaurant during our lunch break. I didn’t invite her because I was meeting a friend from uni and due to take toil and make an afternoon of it, also I had zero idea it was her favourite restaurant. Anyway, I apologised (even though it’s stupid) and thought that was that.

Well, now she’s told everyone in our office that I’ve not been including her and I’m horrible etc. it’s sort of spread like wildfire and there are even people in other teams who are talking about me and avoiding me now. This woman has a lot of power in our office and It’s caused such anxiety that I even started to panic before going in.

So I wrote an email to my manager (her dad!) saying all of this and how it’s unprofessional because she’s spreading unkind rumours etc and he’s completely ignored my email, I’ve even asked for a 1-2-1 with him to talk about it and he won’t engage.

My manager swears he doesn’t favourite his daughter but there have been a few occasions where he has. Such as vouching for her to be promoted etc over other members of the team who are better suited.

Anyway, it’s now been two weeks, no response from manager (he’s responding to general questions) and I’ve been feeling so anxious that I’ve now been signed off sick just for a break and started looking at other jobs.

I’ve also requested to speak to HR next week but I know full well that my manager will of course take his daughters side and that I also will need him for a reference if I leave and if I go to HR about him he will probably be furious and reflect that in my reference.

i feel so trapped. I’ve never been mean to anyone at work and I’m so sad. I’m also now off sick and I know that this will also be on my next job reference too!

does anyone have any advice?

I'm boosting this in the hope someone with relevant experience or expertise replies to the OP. I have been out of the workplace for a couple of decades and can't offer anything except my sympathy for what sounds like an absolutely horrible situation. Please, you people with current workplace/HR no-how; help her find a way through this.

I can’t offer much advice but I really feel for you. At some point it’s likely you’re going to get called into HR and have some accusations made against you, with the daughter and manager’s word against yours. My main advice would be to keep emailing HR and requesting a meeting. In the meantime prepare all evidence (including screen shots on teams where she’s ignored you and print off your email to the manager) next I’d go through the worst shit thing they could say about you, and have a calm, rationale response. The worst thing you can do is get blindsided and then defensive, which usually leads to being highly emotional. If you are prepared and remain completely cool in any HR meeting, they’ll see that it’s gossip and hopefully be able to help. I find when I let emotion get involved they have won as I stop being able to rationally defend myself. Also have sentences ready such as ‘I was considering going down the legal route but I wanted to explore options with HR before having to do something drastic’ and ‘I’m hoping xx person is just unconsciously being unfair and that we can quickly resolve this before I need to take it further’
All said in a very calm (but not meek) fashion.
In the meantime I’d be looking for other jobs.

He needs to tread carefully here! You've done nothing wrong and she's clearly using both narcissistic and nepotistic links to make you feel anxious. You had an afternoon off to meet a friend - she took offence.. she is an idiot!
Speak to HR and tell them your anxiety about their father daughter relationship

This is sound advice.
How big is the organisation. Should you find another job it is reasonable to request a reference from someone else.

Re your references they are only allowed to write factual info such as your timekeeping record, length of service, confirm job title etc.

Are there any former employers, or other colleagues you could ask for a reference?

What an absolute nightmare. Commenting to boost and agree with @Mumoftwoboysaged4and5 . I definitely think staying very calm and getting all evidence filed and ready is sound advice.

You will need to show HR a clear timeline, both of the daughter's behaviour and your manager not managing you. You will need colleagues to bear witness to her talking about you - if you don't have this it will be very tricky to prove. However, your manager declining a 1-2-1 is concerning as it validates your position somewhat.

Take a breath and know this will likely be resolved in your favour, but may take a little time.

I wouldn't worry about the reference as no one gives personal recommendations anymore it's just your employment dates!

Re. The bully. I feel so sorry for you. I experienced this at work and what she is doing is actually classed as bullying. You should document any ignoring episodes. The fact you confronted her about it and what she said, collect the emails you've sent your manager and the fact that he's ignored you raising the issue.
That's not exactly going to work in their favour!

Keep cool, stay with the facts. Go to HR before they do.

Is the manager of the owner of the business?

Excuse typos!

I would leave. I would t want to work around that dynamic, even if the daughter behaved normally.

You’ve given them both a chance now and neither has behaved appropriately. Leave. They are weird.

Sorry but it’s his daughter, he will never be unbiased. Don’t waste your energy on this job. You need to start applying for new jobs now.

you took time off in lieu to meet a friend from outside work. It is not reasonable for a work colleague to take offense to this.

You describe the older person as "the manager" but it's hard to know how to advise you without knowing a little more about the structure of the company.

1. sole trader of a small business - if the manager is also the owner of the company it would tend to explain the nepotism and entitlement of the daughter (heir presumptive not just co worker) it isn't ok but options may be very limited and I'd probably start looking at other work options in case it doesn't improve.

sole trader where the manager is not the owner, registered letter to the owner outlining your concerns and asking him or her to get involved in discussing the daughters behaviour as your line manager didn't seem up to handling the complaint for understandable personal reasons.

Limited company (often has Ltd.) after the name

letter to the managing director asking for a written copy complaints policy / procedure in the first instance.

Large company
formal email to boss's boss, asking if they'd be prepared to meet you to help resolve the issue.

This is why everyone needs to be in a union.

There really isn’t much more to say. The situation sounds intolerable and you’re obviously working somewhere that doesn’t tackle conflicts of interest. It doesn’t really matter if that’s because it’s a small family firm or a bigger organisation that’s just crap, because the outcome for you is the same.

I just want to sympathise I had a similar problem after working at a company for 25 years and it went to HR and he manager prioritised his relative over me , a part owner of the company . I resigned my directorship and asked to change roles and now just keep my head down , keep out of the relatives way and take the salary without hassle . I have lost a lot but I know I did nothing wrong and it was making me Ill. Some people just love to stir . If they don’t solve it and you end up going I would go for constructive dismissal.

Hello all- thanks for your advices so far I just wanted to answer some questions

the time off in lieu I had already earnt, this is going to be outing but ah well, I work for a private school and we work open days on a Saturday and can take the hours we worked back as we see fit I wasn’t on a jolly unearned!

it’s obviously not a small business but our manager (her dad) has been with the school for over 20 years so he’s a “big fish”- not headmaster but not far off.

I do feel incredibly sad that I may have to leave. Hours are perfect, as is the commute and I’ve worked to the top of my grade so money wise was good. It’s likely in a new position I’d have to start from the bottom.

I was also considering buying a house soon and it would look better not being in probation again but ultimately I can’t sit in a gossipy institution.

I have spoken to colleagues and asked if they’d vouch, but tbh many are scared of having their own names tainted. A few colleagues said that this woman has a lot of power in the office and feels invincible. It’s all so sad.

Can't you go to the headteacher and have a chat off the record? Most people would expect problems if a manager was to hire his own child.

@Ladybones ok this is a quiet word with the headteacher situation. Explain what happened just as you've done here
you quite accidently and innocently offended x
you apologised and tried to explain the situation
she does not seem to have accepted your apology based on her ongoing treatment and the ways she's talking about you to others
her father isn't in a position to intervene
this needs talking through, you don't believe your original action was unreasonable but you are sorry it hurt her feelings,
how can this be made right in the interest of getting back to a friendly professional supportive environment that you've been used to for the past two years?

good luck

the organisation should have a bullying and harassment policy or grievance- speak to HRv-=he can’t wash over this - also ACAS for input. You can join a union - they may not support you now but going forward if issues arise.
She’s certainly a pathetic individual- indulged by Daddy no doubt who is continuing to do so.
Good luck.

Keep written records of exactly what was said when and by whom.
Talk to your union urgently. Good luck.

This sounds like a really stressful situation and I'm fed up seeing good people have to leave their jobs and often have to go back down the ladder in their careers because of some people in the workplace can't behave themselves.

Not got much advice except push hard with HR (like really hard) because as PP said, she might get there before you. Also join a union - you won't get representation until a few weeks/months into your membership but if you can stick it out until then, then they could probably help. Also get some free advice from ACAS.

Good luck x

I have spoken to colleagues and asked if they’d vouch, but tbh many are scared of having their own names tainted. A few colleagues said that this woman has a lot of power in the office and feels invincible. It’s all so sad.

An investigation by HR should be done confidentially anyway so they should be able to speak up, even if it's presented later to the woman by HR without the specific details that might be identifying.

Look for another job. I’ve experienced very similar situations and family is always put first. This isn’t your fault but unfortunately you are fighting something that isn’t in your favour.

I wonder what she has told her dad?

If it were the truth he would hopefully be telling her that Op is allowed to meet a non work friend & not include her!

So either not the truth or she thinks she'll get away with her behaviour.

It does sound as if you are on to a hiding to nothing either way.