I need advice….I’m being bullied by my managers daughter!

[Ladybones]

I want to preface by saying I enjoy my job, it’s good hours, lovely team and great wage and I’ve been here for 2 years. Manager is usually on board and great and I like him.

However, his daughter is also part of our team (we are both in our 30’s, manager in his 60’s) and I’ve been having some issues with her.

Me and her had always got on well until Christmas when she suddenly stopped engaging with me within work. Wouldn’t respond to teams messages, wouldn’t speak to me if I was in a room with her and I had zero idea what I had done.

I then simply asked her after a few weeks and she said that I had upset her by not inviting her to lunch a few weeks earlier when I’d gone to her favourite restaurant during our lunch break. I didn’t invite her because I was meeting a friend from uni and due to take toil and make an afternoon of it, also I had zero idea it was her favourite restaurant. Anyway, I apologised (even though it’s stupid) and thought that was that.

Well, now she’s told everyone in our office that I’ve not been including her and I’m horrible etc. it’s sort of spread like wildfire and there are even people in other teams who are talking about me and avoiding me now. This woman has a lot of power in our office and It’s caused such anxiety that I even started to panic before going in.

So I wrote an email to my manager (her dad!) saying all of this and how it’s unprofessional because she’s spreading unkind rumours etc and he’s completely ignored my email, I’ve even asked for a 1-2-1 with him to talk about it and he won’t engage.

My manager swears he doesn’t favourite his daughter but there have been a few occasions where he has. Such as vouching for her to be promoted etc over other members of the team who are better suited.

Anyway, it’s now been two weeks, no response from manager (he’s responding to general questions) and I’ve been feeling so anxious that I’ve now been signed off sick just for a break and started looking at other jobs.

I’ve also requested to speak to HR next week but I know full well that my manager will of course take his daughters side and that I also will need him for a reference if I leave and if I go to HR about him he will probably be furious and reflect that in my reference.

i feel so trapped. I’ve never been mean to anyone at work and I’m so sad. I’m also now off sick and I know that this will also be on my next job reference too!

does anyone have any advice?

Thank you all, and thanks for your kindness. I really appreciate it. This woman does unfortunately have form for this type of thing and I would like to get something official on record about her behaviour even if it means I have to be the martyr to make it better with others to stop her pulling these kind of stunts!

What a crazy woman. She hasn't recently joined a running club, has she....?

How on earth were you to know that it was her favourite restaurant; and why does that matter anyway? Nobody was stopping her from booking a table there too, with her own friends (although I'm guessing she doesn't have too many of those).

I’d be straight to the headteacher, bypass manager bloke who is obviously avoiding the situation. You can mention the words bullying, defamation as she’s spreading nonsense about you. Explain that you were meeting a uni friend for lunch, you had no reason to invite anyone else. Log every interaction or time she ignores you. Private schools don’t like the idea that their ‘culture’ may be seen as bullying, so keep using that term (as it’s what’s happening)

@Ladybones you have had some good advice.

Definitely talk to HR and provide a timeline. Your colleagues will have to make their own mind up about what to say when questioned as part of the investigation.

The one thing that I don’t think has been mentioned that you can raise with HR is your managers behaviour. Your manager not holding the requested 1:2:1 nor responding to your email is actually behaving inappropriately. He should have referred your email straight to HR. Ask HR for the policy on work/family relationships and protocols to ensure fair and unbiased treatment of all employees.

The reason I’ve asked and gone straight to HR and not the head is because the head and my manager are very very close friends- our head is also very hard to book in time with (seems to forever be out at conferences etc and never in house much!)

Both he and my manager have been at the school 20 plus years and I know they’ve holidayed together before as well so I very much doubt I’d get an unbiased response again.

I know this seems awful and I’m better out but before all this I kept my head down, was friendly but not too friendly, didn’t get involved in gossip or drama but still partook in work events, and it seems I’ve been “chosen” by this woman as the one to target!

I’m speaking to HR on Wednesday and although I know they are our companies friend and not mine, I’m hoping they can at least put something on file encase she does this again.

What's your schools grievance policy? What is the harassment and bullying policy? I would read those and go through formal channels. Also contact ACAS for advice if you are in the UK.