I can't keep my flat clean can't stop crying, what is wrong with me

[whyamisoshit]

Our flat is fucking horrifically untidy I just can't make it ok. It's far too small for us and I feel like I'm being suffocated by STUFF everywhere but it's not stuff we can throw out. We need it. It includes lots of work stuff and lots of my medical equipment - we really can't chuck it.

I am recently bereaved and I feel like I'm going insane. Just trying to do a bit of self care ie go to the gym and I can't because my fucking clothes are lost or got balled up on the floor as they fell behind the chest of drawers and I can't stop crying and feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.

I have ADHD and since moving into this flat a few years ago I have never managed to instigate my former systems that allowed me to always know where important documents are or know exactly where my clothes are.

Nothing I do is good enough. I can't ever make any difference to my life and make it have any sort of congruity or meaning or be anyway how I want it it's all pointless and I'm panicking so much.

I just want a calm space where I can always find things and because I'm a piece of utter shit I can't do that, I fail at everything.

The place is clean in that I clean up the kitchen each evening, clean the bathroom once a week (there are 2 of us, both adults, so this is ok) and keep on top of laundry. But it's just awful and I can't deal with it anymore.

How can I make this bearable?

Sorry for your loss

This book is really helpful - How to keep house while you're drowning www.amazon.co.uk/How-Keep-House-While-Drowning/dp/1529900034/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=7bda4eab-a22c-4180-84d6-e03429b71a29

Have a really good cry OP. Go for a walk/food/whatever to get out of your head for a bit.

Have a listen to A slob comes clean podcast or YouTube or read her books. She has never said she has ADHD but it seems likely. Life-changing stuff. And I'm sorry for your loss.

Check out Dana K White aka a Slob Comes Clean. Genuinely life changing for me

Can your partner help at all? Or is it all down to you to sort out?

If going to the gym is a goal, can you work on making that achievable? So, could you store a clean set of gym clothes in a gym bag hung somewhere reachable, with whatever else you need. Then when you want to go, you can get the clothes, get dressed and go. Then, when you get back from the gym, put the next set of clean clothes straight into the bag ready for the next time.

Please be kind to yourself. Your recent loss and ADHD will be having a huge effect on you and your cleaning. Can your partner pick up a little extra slack for a bit to give you some breathing room?

What advice would you give to a friend in your situation?

I'm too fucking thick to be able to listen to a podcast even though that podcast is actually on a list I made if I could manage it.

I downloaded Spotify on my phone with a view to being able to listen to meditation music and now, about 1 month later, it just doesn't work.

Any music i try to choose it plays something completely random and I am so agitated and tense and feel like I'km going mad. Why can't I even figure out fucking Spotify?

I feel brain damaged because I'm so utterly incapable at this point it would make sense. I just can't do anything successfully.

You’re not shit, you’re welcome overwhelmed. And grieving. I am so sorry for your loss.

The book linked above is great, as is the A Slob Comes Clean podcast.

Don’t try to solve it all at once. Just pick one thing you can set up a system for. Then when that’s established, and you’re always putting that away/finding that easily pick a new thing to tackle.

How do you eat an elephant? In chunks.

Spotify does play random music unless you pay for premium. It drove me mad until someone else told me that!

You're not alone in feeling overwhelmed.

Agree it's good to set just a small number of priorities e.g. gym kit. Focus on those and let the rest go for now.

Grief plays havoc with executive function. ADHD is an issue with executive function.
You’re right that your brain is damaged but not in the way you mean and it’s not permanent (the grief effect) or insurmountable (the ADHD). Cut yourself some slack.

Ignore Spotify. What sort of phone do you have?

Ok I didn't know that about Spotify, I though paying a premium just meant no ads.

Spotify has a rubbish interface. I'm a software designer and I sometimes can't work out why it's not playing what I thought I'd asked it to.

You're giving yourself a very hard time, when I doubt you'd do the same to a friend who was having a bad day.

Take one thing at a time and only think about sorting that one thing to a position where it no longer causes you hassle or issues.

I have an iPhone. I never update it as the last update made my medical apps useless which is a whole other world of shit and means long phone calls and waiting for call backs when I need to communicate with them. Everything feels completely impossible, it's not just the state of the flat, I just am not equipped for functioning in life.

Your posts are sad to read OP because you speak so horribly about yourself. Cut yourself some slack- you have such a lot on your plate.

I feel brain damaged because I'm so utterly incapable at this point it would make sense. I just can't do anything successfully.

I’m sure everyone experiences grief differently but part of my experience of it was that I genuinely thought I was going mad at times and found it very hard to think straight. Grief can be exhausting and ‘brain fog’ is often a part of that.

I think you're doing fantastically for achieving a clean kitchen, bathroom and keeping up with laundry! I also have ADHD and have had 2 close bereavements in the last 2 years so I can emphasise with you. I wish I had the answers for you but unfortunately I'm in the same position.

Having specialist apps that are vital for your medical needs is an issue that most people don't have to deal with. It is an admin challenge, and something that lots of people would find tricky. Again, please don't beat yourself up for feeling overwhelmed by these things.

You are equipped just need a hand hold at times. Try not to think of whole flat but break it down. Tackle a draw at a time.
Yes not everything can be thrown out but if all stored neatly stuff should be easier to find.

I don’t have any useful advice to offer OP, but I just want to give you a hug! You’re overwhelmed (for understandable reasons) not useless. Rage at the situation you’re in if you want, don’t blame yourself, just because you’re the easiest target to hand!

You are being so harsh on yourself, OP. If a friend had a recent bereavement, would you talk to them like that? If you could meet your childhood self, would you talk to them like that?

Maybe an organised friend or relative could
come and help and give you some tips?

If podcasts don’t work for you, they don’t work for you. You’re neuro diverse, not stupid. You’re in survival mode and that’s chaotic. It won’t always be like this. Please be kind to yourself.

I do know how you feel, though. I sometimes can’t find locations even with sat nav and have missed important hospital appointments, a speeding awareness course etc. We don’t always perform at our best, especially when grieving and especially if there are also other challenges involved.

make sure the other adult does their share of housekeeping, particularly organizing the household.

find a friendly phone shop to get help with your medical appointments app. Write down what they tell you so you won’t forget.

use YouTube if Spotify doesn’t meet you needs and if you find it difficult to concentrate on podcasts. So much useful stuff, and music, can be found on YouTube.

this includes exercise workouts that you can do at home if going to the gym is overwhelming. Try Growingannanas, Heather Robertson, Lucy Wyndham Read - there are many.

and try to give yourself a break 💐

Ah, technology is sent to try us! I can totally understand why you wouldn’t update it. Tbh, I ignore updates for far less important reasons, just because I can’t be arsed a lot of the time. Nothing terrible happens.

If you have an iPhone, you can use the podcast app it came with - it’s a purple icon. I’ve attached a screenshot. And then you can also play meditation through that too - just use the search to find one you like the look of.

Try audible. Do the free trial to see if it works before paying for it. Stick a book on, tackle a corner.

Also, your bathroom is clean, your kitchen is usable, you’re doing fine. You’d like to be a bit more sorted but you’re not yet and that’s fine. Don’t look at the whole picture, you know that doesn’t work. Just a little corner of one room. A bag of unwanted clothes to the charity shop. Getting everything off the floor so you can Hoover. Cleaning a windowsill. One of these things, not all.

OP my house is a mess. I have a million things to book and organise but I just don’t do it because I feel too overwhelmed then I get stressed because it’s all hanging over me.

I’ve lost my one and only child’s birth certificate and had a good cry about it earlier because how can I be so disorganised that something as important and precious as that - his one important document - I’ve managed to put somewhere stupid? I need it to apply for something but I tried to order a replacement and got completely confused and panicked so gave up.
I think I need our birth certificates and marriage certificate too but can only find my husbands.
I’ve got documents bloody everywhere.
added to that I can’t get on top of the washing, I’ve got clutter and stuff everywhere and I can’t seem ti find the time to breathe.

have you been to your doctor for any support? Any change up of meds if you are on any?

try to step outside and BREATHE. none of this is your fault. You’re not stupid, you’re not insane, you’re not incapable. Try to separate it out and look at one thing (not a big thing) so let’s say, trying to find something to play a podcast. You can play them via direct links on your computer. You don’t always need an app. If you want anyone to talk to please DM me as you’re NOT a horrible stupid person at all. You’re someone having a tough time who is probably in coping mode and your brain simply can’t process everything you think you need to do - then you’re beating yourself up about it.

Grief is like a head injury. I’m sorry you’re going through it too.

I have ADHD. I won't try to give you solutions.

Here's a massive unMumsnetty hug (((((((((((you))))))))))))

I normally love my brain but the house is a shithole 90% of the time.

There are brilliant threads on the housekeeping board. They are aimed at people wanting to declutter the home little by little and give lots of support.

I'm sorry for your loss. 🌸