I can't keep my flat clean can't stop crying, what is wrong with me

[whyamisoshit]

Our flat is fucking horrifically untidy I just can't make it ok. It's far too small for us and I feel like I'm being suffocated by STUFF everywhere but it's not stuff we can throw out. We need it. It includes lots of work stuff and lots of my medical equipment - we really can't chuck it.

I am recently bereaved and I feel like I'm going insane. Just trying to do a bit of self care ie go to the gym and I can't because my fucking clothes are lost or got balled up on the floor as they fell behind the chest of drawers and I can't stop crying and feel like I'm going to have a heart attack.

I have ADHD and since moving into this flat a few years ago I have never managed to instigate my former systems that allowed me to always know where important documents are or know exactly where my clothes are.

Nothing I do is good enough. I can't ever make any difference to my life and make it have any sort of congruity or meaning or be anyway how I want it it's all pointless and I'm panicking so much.

I just want a calm space where I can always find things and because I'm a piece of utter shit I can't do that, I fail at everything.

The place is clean in that I clean up the kitchen each evening, clean the bathroom once a week (there are 2 of us, both adults, so this is ok) and keep on top of laundry. But it's just awful and I can't deal with it anymore.

How can I make this bearable?

I'm sending sympathy I would send you a picture of my flat to make you feel better but you aren't alone

You can't deal with everything at once. It's not that you aren't capable, you're just not able to wade through the mental mess that gets created when things get on top of you and who can! You're not shit. You're just human!

My practical advice would be to create a list of priority problems- what are the most necessary tasks you need to get on top of? Having them written down often helps. Then pick the one that's the most frustrating and break it down into small steps that you tackle one at a time.

E.g. what is pissing me off the most?
Clothes being everywhere
Paper being everywhere
Clutter being everywhere
Feeling like I can't handle everything

If paperwork is the worst or most important thing then task 1 is sorting the paperwork
E.g. Task 1, Step one: gather all the paperwork into one place/pile/crumple
Step two: find a place to put it - even if that is labelled shoe boxes at the bottom of the wardrobe.
Step three: file a bit every other day until it's all away.

Once that's done, pick another item off of your priority list, break it down, tackle one step or part of a step each day, one at a time before moving onto the next. Don't try to do more than more at a time.

If you struggle to concentrate, find 10 minutes every day if you can. Set an alarm for ten minutes. Commit to writing your problem list for 10 minutes or doing a practical thing. Then give yourself a break either until the following day, or if you're feeling motivated crack back on with your list. You get a feel good boost from a slowly ticked of achievements which give you a bit of control.

It's okay not to know the solution to all the steps - asking friends and family is useful in that situation. If a step feels too daunting or hard, break it down further.

This is just one approach and I've really simplified it, and it's okay if you roll your eyes at it or ignore it. I'm putting it here in case it's helpful but no single thing works for everyone.

You should consider whether you'd benefit from some problem solving therapy or counselling for your loss. Everyone needs help sometimes and that is okay. Your GP is a good place to start.

Stop OP. Stop. Stop talking about yourself so negatively. You can do this. You can take control. But first, stop. Sit. Breathe deeply and count to 10. Say out loud ‘I am worthy of a tidy home’ ‘I can make my home tidy’ ‘I deserve this’. You deserve this. You really do. I have a home organisation business. I am more than happy to give you some practical advice on getting your flat to a condition that you deserve. Tidy, organised, clutter free. You will feel so much lighter. Eat the elephant one bite at a time. It’s too much all in one go.

Check out KC Davis - Struggle Care podcasts, she also has a book (How to Keep House While Drowning - available on Audible). Brilliant advice for exactly your situation. She’s a therapist and has ADHD.

Try the rock the housework podcasts. They'll help you get on top of it in bite sized pieces

Op I also have adhd and my flat is also often a mess. It sounds like you are having a particularly hard day and it's hard when a thought gets stuck in your head. I use an app called tody to help me keep on top of house stuff but it doesn't always work.

Part of regaining my sanity was asking myself 'who cares?'. It probably helps I live alone now but as long as it's not a health hazard if i can't get the energy to tidy i won't. If shoving and hiding it all in a cupboard until I have a day where I hyperfixate on cleaning / clearing out saves my sanity so be it.

You are allowed to grieve and you are allowed to struggle. It might feel like it but this isn’t forever. The loss and the adhd will always be there but you had systems in the past and you will again.

Be proud of the things that you can do, you keep the kitchen and bathroom clean.

How did you start the systems that you used to have?

BTW, the only way that I remember my gym kit is to stick it straight in the car after washing it.