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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think it’s cruel to encourage my toddler to eat her vegetables?

38 replies

SapphireSunday · 05/04/2023 18:13

My daughter is 20 months. She used to eat anything and everything but the last 6 weeks or so has become a bit fussier - basically doesn’t want fruit or veg or anything healthy. She will pick at the carby bits of her dinner but eat virtually nothing and then ask for a yoghurt.

I’ve never forced her to eat anything, so if she tells me she is done she is allowed a yoghurt but I feel it’s getting to a ridiculous point now where she is just refusing absolutely everything and every mealtime feels like a failure.

Nursery say she eats great, and our parents never have any trouble when they look after her so it’s just with us.

Tonight I was trying to convince her to eat some vegetables, tried turning it into a little game ‘you feed mummy and then mummy feeds you’ some, telling her how yummy they were, but DH told me it was cruel of me to force her (forcing and encouraging are different though aren’t they?!) and gave her a slice of ham from the fridge and then a yoghurt.

Apart from feeling undermined I feel completely confused! Is it cruel to make her eat things she doesn’t want to? If so, how the flip do I get her to start eating a balanced diet? I feel like everything I do is getting it wrong, and I don’t want my daughter to end up with food issues because of something I’ve done 😣

OP posts:
LlamaFace19 · 05/04/2023 18:14

Forcing? Definitely cruel. Gentle encouragement? Definitely not cruel.

MrsDoylesDoily · 05/04/2023 18:17

I wouldn't give any of my kids a dessert for that reason, so that they didn't refuse or rush their dinner to get to it.

Could you try blending veg into meals OP?

Sapphire387 · 05/04/2023 18:18

You're not forcing her. Of course she should be encouraged to eat healthily. Your husband is being unreasonable.

cupofteaandabiccyplease · 05/04/2023 18:20

I wouldn't reward with yogurt or nice bits but keep with the gentle encouragement. Mash up veg hide it in other foods.
Cruel? Are you holding her down and cramming it into her mouth? No? Thought not, I would ignore the 'cruel' remarks from dh tbh.

ScottishBeth · 05/04/2023 18:21

It doesn't sound cruel at all. How does your DH suggest she should be encouraged to have a balanced diet?

I don't know if this will help but our DD is just a bit younger than yours. A couple of months ago she was doing the same (I know she was quite a bit younger then, but still might help). She new the yoghurt was coming so would reject everything else.

We started giving her all her food at the same time. She generally now eats the yoghurt first but once she knows that's done she eats her other bits.

DandledASandle · 05/04/2023 18:22

It's not cruel but it could backfire. Even coaxing her risks turning food into a power game that she can "win" by saying no. Combine that with natural 2 year old vegetable aversion and it could end up with a whole oad of stress.

I have a husband who grew up on a heavily restricted diet. We have always studiously ignored what our children do and don't eat, even to the extent of putting whole meals in the bin untouched. We had a 2 year old who didn't eat any vegetables for a year, and an autistic child who struggled with textures, but I now have 2 teens who are pretty good eaters.

FurAndFeathers · 05/04/2023 18:22

So what does your DH plan to do when she refuses to eat anything but sweets? Or refuses to go to school? Or refuses to brush her teeth?

is he just going to give up on parenting altogether because it’s ‘cruel’?

WeWereInParis · 05/04/2023 18:24

We started giving her all her food at the same time. She generally now eats the yoghurt first but once she knows that's done she eats her other bits.

We did the same. It did lead to one meal where DD had a banana in one hand and a fork in the other and was alternating between mouthfuls of banana and mouthfuls of vegetable curry. But still, she was eating the vegetables. She's three now and a pretty good eater (and no longer mixes banana with her main course!)

Original poster
SapphireSunday · 05/04/2023 18:29

I think this is DHs take on it @DandledASandle . I suppose I worry that there is no guarantee that we would get a good eater eventually though which bothers me!

@ScottishBeth fab idea, we will definitely give this a try thank you!!

OP posts:
Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 05/04/2023 18:36

You know this doesn't work right? Making a thing of it qnd only offering dessert or the food she wants if she eats x or y isnt the best option here.

Fussy eating is entirely normal at this stage and can last months. The trick is to just not respond to it... " you don't want to eat your brocolli today? That's ok" its also useful to put all foods out together. So if they favour yoghurt serve yoghurt with dinner. Makes it just an item of food.

If i was you, read up on it. It is hard not to pander to it but dont change the meals you offer just carry on and don't react. One day they change. My now 2.5 year old went from refusing to try anything new for about 8 months to wanting to try things and eating things they'd refused for ages.

Make a thing of it and you'll make it worse. Is it cruel to make or encourage them to eat vegetables? Maybe not, but you'll learn it's completely pointless and quite stupid.

Anetra · 05/04/2023 18:38

Stop buying yogurts.

mynameiscalypso · 05/04/2023 18:39

I agree that it's not cruel but I refuse to ever cajole my son into trying to eat something. My job is to put a balance meal on his plate, his job is to decide what he wants to eat. If he wants to just eat cheese, fine, whatever. I really like the concept of division of responsibility and, as someone who grew up very fussy and absolutely dreaded mealtimes as a result, I'm determined to ensure my DS has a more healthy attitude towards food.

Caiti19 · 05/04/2023 18:53

Are these yoghurts the kind containing sugar? If so, stop buying them.

Your husband should have discussed it with you afterwards though. Him going to fridge to give her whatever he felt like is not showing great partnership with you. Nip that in the bud.

fairywhale · 05/04/2023 18:57

How would you feel forced to eat something you don't want? Of course it's cruel. Try it on yourself.
Mumsnet can be ridiculous - force feeding a child is okay (as long as nobody is arguing - just look at the other thread going).

SummerHouse · 05/04/2023 19:01

It's really hard.

You are doing a really good job.

I think you need to have a conversation with your partner. I don't think either of you is wrong in the food approach but to call you cruel and overrule you is not good.

qpmz · 05/04/2023 19:21

Yoghurt is not a desert, it's just another food. Assuming it's Greek/natural.

The fact she's eating ok elsewhere means she'll be getting her nutrients so I wouldn't focus attention on her home food too much, it will be a phase.

DragonflyLady · 05/04/2023 19:35

we started putting everything on the table family style so she could take what she felt she could eat and had control. Sometimes the not eating certain things is a way of trying to assert their own control. Dessert was usually Greek yoghurt and, as a previous poster has described, she’d often eat that whilst eating her main. What she usually did was eat a bit of main, then the yoghurt, then more of the main. If she didn’t want to eat the main, that was fine - she could eat fruit and more yoghurt. Please don’t fall into the trap of punishing or rewarding your child through food.

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/04/2023 19:36

I don't think there's anything wrong with encouragement to eat vegetables. We have encouraged our very fussy toddler to try things and she does try things and eats a wider variety than she did before. We have tried serving the veg first or before the meal, while they are hungry and more likely to try. Also providing a dip to go with them such as balsamic vinegar or houmus.

The only 2 things to remember is that ultimately you don't care whether they eat any particular food. Never let it become a battle of wills. It should be more "try this broccoli, it's really delicious, mmmm" not "please please eat this broc", I just eat it off their plate myself if they don't. Secondly there should never be a food reward for eating any other food. If you give yogurt it should be regardless of veg (or just don't give it at all for a while to reduce the expectation).

Overall though I don't think it's worth worrying about. If she won't eat veg get her to eat more fruit instead.

FurAndFeathers · 05/04/2023 19:54

fairywhale · 05/04/2023 18:57

How would you feel forced to eat something you don't want? Of course it's cruel. Try it on yourself.
Mumsnet can be ridiculous - force feeding a child is okay (as long as nobody is arguing - just look at the other thread going).

Mumsnet really is a Mecca for folk with zero skills in reading comprehension!

Season0fTheWitch · 05/04/2023 20:02

I'd suggest blending some veg into sauces (hidden veg pasta sauce recipes are popular) and just continue offering her veg. New shapes, new colours etc. And explain to DH what your goal is, so he doesn't undermine you again. No more yoghurt offerings either, only what's on her plate.

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 05/04/2023 20:27

Do you have Instagram? Follow Charlotte Stirling Reed- she is a child nutritionist and her book “How to feed your toddler” is amazing.

Also had a website which is the bible - https://www.srnutrition.co.uk/

The Baby & Child Nutritionist | Charlotte Stirling-Reed | SR Nutrition

Award winning Nutritionist Charlotte Stirling Reed of SR Nutrition, The Baby & Child Nutritionist. For advice on weaning advice, baby & child nutrition

https://www.srnutrition.co.uk/

NotCopingWell1 · 05/04/2023 20:43

This is why I've never done pudding. They don't need it.

Whyohwhyohwhy123 · 16/06/2023 21:13

I often put my children’s lunch in one of those plastic boxes with three compartments. Sandwiches crisps fruit homemade biscuit and often a couple of sweets go in. They can eat it in whatever order they like but nothing else is given until it’s empty. The lid is often replaced for a bit but it’s usually all gone by mid afternoon.