To not think it’s cruel to encourage my toddler to eat her vegetables?

[SapphireSunday]

My daughter is 20 months. She used to eat anything and everything but the last 6 weeks or so has become a bit fussier - basically doesn’t want fruit or veg or anything healthy. She will pick at the carby bits of her dinner but eat virtually nothing and then ask for a yoghurt.

I’ve never forced her to eat anything, so if she tells me she is done she is allowed a yoghurt but I feel it’s getting to a ridiculous point now where she is just refusing absolutely everything and every mealtime feels like a failure.

Nursery say she eats great, and our parents never have any trouble when they look after her so it’s just with us.

Tonight I was trying to convince her to eat some vegetables, tried turning it into a little game ‘you feed mummy and then mummy feeds you’ some, telling her how yummy they were, but DH told me it was cruel of me to force her (forcing and encouraging are different though aren’t they?!) and gave her a slice of ham from the fridge and then a yoghurt.

Apart from feeling undermined I feel completely confused! Is it cruel to make her eat things she doesn’t want to? If so, how the flip do I get her to start eating a balanced diet? I feel like everything I do is getting it wrong, and I don’t want my daughter to end up with food issues because of something I’ve done 😣

That's not forcing at all. That's a good strategy for encouraging toddlers to try foods. I also do 'mummies carrot makes a crunchy sound, can you make a crunchy sound with yours? How many peas can you get on your fork? Etc (check out Solid Starts for ideas)

Also at 20 months I wouldnt worry especially if she's eating veg elsewhere, which indicates she's a good eater. Likely a phase she'll get through, so dont make a problem where there isn't one! (Not saying you are, but I mean don't get too hung up on it)

I don't think you're being cruel, but you're setting yourself up for a battle of wills that you're never going to win. Stop buying yogurt. Don't do puddings. Then serve whatever you have for tea and eat together as a family and don't mention the food at all. Talk about anything else, put the radio on, Do not look as if you care what she eats. But don't offer any alternatives.

Definitely not cruel - responsible I would say! My friends kids have to ‘try’ everything on their plate which is possibly a better rule. I wouldn’t reward with pudding / treats tho. If they are hungry they get the meal that they left. This is what we did with my DD as a toddler and she’s great now

I’d just shove it all on the plate together, yoghurt included, and let her go at it. Nothing else after.

When everything available to eat is on the plate in one go she might be less inclined to be holding out for dessert. It’s always worked for my son, even if he eats his biscuit first he still eats everything else on his plate.

Get rid of the food hierarchy.

Don't give youghurts.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job. It’s really hard to sit back and not say anything when you’ve put effort into cooking something that they just won’t eat it. I think everyone finds themselves falling into the “just have 3 more bites” trap every now and again. That’s ok - the next meal is the next meal and you can try again to stay chill.

I once put my hands on my hips and announced “no you can’t have any ice cream until you’ve finished your pizza!” - and then realised what a twat I was being.

Both my kids are a bit older now and eat pretty well. You’ll get there. Everything’s a phase you just have to wait to pass.

Cruel no, but I never bothered. Just made stuff available. Mine eat more veg sometimes and less at others and it evens out in the end. They are NT and healthy, so I am fortunate not to need to worry.

It’s not cruel but very quickly get yourself a book of getting the little blighters to eat or follow fussy eaters on fb. Most kids eat great when young, then need less food and are more aware and start getting fussy. How you deal with this stage is important. Your child will soon realise they can control you by what they will and won’t eat. Make sure your DH reads the book too. It’s very tiny and very useful!

It's not forcing, but 'encouraging' can just add more pressure which backfires and makes it a big deal.

Just offer a range of foods, mostly what you know she will eat, the odd other thing and let her eat what she wants of it.

Don't make foods 'rewards' either, or 'treats' - if a meal of X, Y and Z is balanced and healthy, does it matter if she eats X first or Z first?

Stick it all on the table, in suitable portions and let her eat, if she wants to eat her yoghurt first, so what.

I have never understood the insistence on withholding 'pudding' if the child hasn't eaten all their main course.

If the meal was sufficient calories as main/side/pudding, how is it better to withhold pudding if main/side were not eaten? You end up teaching kids to eat MORE than they need in order to get to pudding, or making puddings a huge issue and mealtimes a massive stress.

I have one a wee bit older and she is similar and I try to be as hands off as I can. It turned into a battle with DS that is still going on (due to other family members ignoring advice) and he is 5 now.

I don't think gentle encouragement is an issue.
I never deny DD her yoghurt because she needs the fat/calcium at her age.

My four year old eats no vegetables at all and hasn’t done for a couple of years. I just gave up I still put them on the side but they’ll never get eaten. I just give him loads of fruit. I wouldn’t use food as a reward for eating dinner , just plate everything up an don’t say anything , talk about something else completely and don’t stress about what they eat, I’ve realised there’s just no point.

I'd encourage, of course. We've tried it all. I have one so who is very fussy and another who will eat literally anything and loves his food. The problem is, if I only had my second child I'd think I was a very clever parent and food choices and attitudes were down to my great cooking and parenting but having both my boys I know that most of what they think about food comes from them, often sensory attitudes to food and all I can do is work with it. I don't force my son to eat things he doesn't like but I do find fruit and veg that he likes and give him that. Even if it's literally just cucumber and apple. He hates potato (all types) but likes pasta, so he has pasta. He's growing up very fit and healthy as a young man now and I think will be adventurous in his own time. Fussiness is common and not caused by parenting so see what your daughter enjoys and go from there.