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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

More often than not posting on MN feels like inviting being trolled or asking for a mental kick in

45 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 05/04/2023 10:53

As above. Having a tough week / month money wise so post on the cost of living thread and first two replies are saying what's the point of my post and I'm a marty No, just looking to save some money. I thought that was the point of that board. I'm not a marter

OP posts:
Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 05/04/2023 11:01

Also my spelling and grammar is atrocious. I'm dyslexic so no spelling check here.

Close friends husband died to suicide and I was really shocked therefore upset. Without even saying my grief to the friend I was a grief vampire making it all about me. Because when a close friend dies you can't feel grief as your not in the inner circle and therefore grief in private is attention seeking.
I could go on. I don't even post in aibu. This place has always been like it, but recently it seems to be inviting a mental kick in.
Cost of living problems on that board? Of course I just need to spend more money and stop being a martyr. Friends dead? Not your dh so grow up. Etc. Why the vitriol?. Why such investment in being nasty?

OP posts:
Florissante · 05/04/2023 11:08

IncessantNameChanger · 05/04/2023 11:01

Also my spelling and grammar is atrocious. I'm dyslexic so no spelling check here.

Close friends husband died to suicide and I was really shocked therefore upset. Without even saying my grief to the friend I was a grief vampire making it all about me. Because when a close friend dies you can't feel grief as your not in the inner circle and therefore grief in private is attention seeking.
I could go on. I don't even post in aibu. This place has always been like it, but recently it seems to be inviting a mental kick in.
Cost of living problems on that board? Of course I just need to spend more money and stop being a martyr. Friends dead? Not your dh so grow up. Etc. Why the vitriol?. Why such investment in being nasty?

Why can't you use spell check?

Lolaandbehold · 05/04/2023 11:09

People feel that they can be dicks in AIBU. In fact some people purposely are. I am fine with “tough love” but general dickishness is sadly rife.
Try Chat. They’re nicer.

Easterfunbun · 05/04/2023 11:13

I would never start a post on Mumsnet. Never in a million years. It is an invite for abuse.

JaneFondue · 05/04/2023 11:15

That's sad. AIBU is a bear pit but other forums have been a godsend for me.
People are very strange about the CoL these days but I would have hoped for support in that forum at least.

EsmeSusanOgg · 05/04/2023 11:16

Florissante · 05/04/2023 11:08

Why can't you use spell check?

Show quote history

Spell check is not always very good at picking up dyslexic errors. There are programs that are designed to help. But they cost money, and don't tend to exist on mobile (where let's be honest, most of us are posting from). Easier with desktop, especially if you have Microsoft 366 as they have integrated a lot of dyslexic-friendly support. But that requires you having that program on your personal device. Again, it is on the pricey side!

lightand · 05/04/2023 11:17

Did you get some nice posts as well op?

I am not on here much any more, but I did notice that often, best to ignore some of the initial posts.
My theory is, there are some not so well behaved people, who love to post immediately.
My theory is that they are incredibly lonely and bored.

When a large thread, I often dont read the posts on the first page deliberately. Or just skim them.

MintJulia · 05/04/2023 11:19

I post very seldom but I've always had a mixed bag of comments, with some nice ones as well as the scathing contemptuous ones.

I ignore the rude ones. The nice ones have sometimes been very useful.

watcherintherye · 05/04/2023 11:24

The thing is, all threads show up in active, so it’s not as though only those interested in e.g. the cost of living, see them. Some people read the op, and then reply as though it’s been posted in AIBU. It’s the nature of MN, I’m afraid. If you skim over the rubbish replies, you often get something more helpful and understanding later on.

RichardHeed · 05/04/2023 11:31

I think of those posters the same way I see the people who are walking the high streets in town centres shouting at people. They’ve likely got mental health issues and have sadly slipped through the bed, but they deserve a wide berth. Or they’re trolls looking for attention. Either way, don’t engage.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/04/2023 11:32

Florissante · 05/04/2023 11:08

Why can't you use spell check?

Show quote history

Well that made the OP’s point nicely for her didnt it

TorchwoodWho · 05/04/2023 11:32

YANBU OP. Also would never start a post on MN.
I had one thread on AIBU, years ago, old username. It was a fairly benign one and more of a "what would be best in this situation?". I was getting dramatic posts like "you don't have to invite such and such, but your memories of that day will be of the sad faces of those you exclude lining the way into the venue, as they'll still want to come to wish you well through their tears".
Seriously. When asking about who to invite to an event due to capacity at venue and simply not being able to invite every long lost relative. And no, those people didn't seem fussed about coming anyway and didn't stand wailing at the venue!

JaneFondue · 05/04/2023 11:33

Start threads in Chat or 30 days only. Nicer replies.

The CoL is making everyone engage in a race to the bottom.

Changeau · 05/04/2023 11:33

AIBU is generally full of sad angry posters who could do with putting their phones down and going for a walk.

CwmYoy · 05/04/2023 11:34

The frothing at the mouth types are having a ball today.

RonObvious · 05/04/2023 11:39

It's a bit of a gamble, that's for sure! Some threads are full of incredibly helpful and knowledgeable advice. Some threads have literally been life-changing in terms of encouraging people to seek medical help, or highlighting useful agencies and information for women in danger, or even for locating replacements for lost or damanged items. But then other threads seem to get derailed by posters focussing on random, irrelevant details, and once the tone of response is set, it seems to snowball in the same direction - positive or negative. I still get a lot from many of the posts in terms of interesting discussion, information, political views etc, but you do have to skip over a whole lot of pedantic and deliberately obtuse posts!

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 05/04/2023 11:42

Florissante · 05/04/2023 11:08

Why can't you use spell check?

Show quote history

I don't know why but on the Web page ( not sure about the app) spell check just doesn't work that well. If I type into Google or my notes it's works better than on here. I'm not invested enough to type into notes then copy. I think my writing is legible enough to be understood, but it seems not. Friends etc can understand my gist in texts.

I do feel I need a virtual t shirt saying my spellings isn't a reflection on academic achievement. I have a Biology degree for example, but on MN it's a blanket "your thick" well I might be indeed thick but I'm a well educated thicko

OP posts:
gkhg · 05/04/2023 11:48

It's the anonymity OP, it's changes people. It's definitely not the place to come for support, most people are awful on here

JaneFondue · 05/04/2023 11:51

gkhg · 05/04/2023 11:48

It's the anonymity OP, it's changes people. It's definitely not the place to come for support, most people are awful on here

Disagree with this. Have had immense support on MN. More than from real friends IRL.

People have even gone out of their way to message me with kind thoughts or wishes.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 05/04/2023 12:00

It depends on the topics. Politics, money and affairs are very black and white on MN. It is easy to write nasty things from behind a key board but also it is easy to read some things in a way they were not intended. It could be that some posters write blunt replies thinking it makes the point whilst others read it as rude. People often disagree and can't necessarily express themselves well so resort to insults. It's no different to all social media. You get some nice and some not so nice. Some genuine and some fake

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 05/04/2023 12:04

I name change a lot and avoid aibu. But even in chat there's is nastiness. The only safe place is housekeeping and elderly parents. I have a close relative with cancer and I really welcome the posts about how / what to do, but I'm always worried there will be the 'it's not about you!' Posts. I know it's not about me, that's why I'm asking how to approach it. The post about my friends dh suicide really stuck with me for years. I never ever talk about him to my friend or anyone now. All conversation is about her how she is coping. I never mention him to her. It really stuck with me. The vitriol was off the scale. I still go past the place where he died on sunny days he pops into my head and then im reminded thats a very attention seeking response to his death.
if your dh is being a distant prick it's you, your demanding and clingy but if he's doing that because of an affair or a lie your a doormat.
Maybe it's safer to presume "I'm the problem here"
I just miss the advice and support of a few years back. I don't think I will start as many threads going forward. Even if my mum was dieing, my cat had been mutilated and dh was sleeping with my sister, i can garentee about three posts in the kicking would start. I wonder recently what the point of MN is? Don't get me wrong I do enjoy being here. I just don't enjoy participating very much. I wonder how it effects people who come here at a really point. It's almost formulaic. Three posts in, vitriol, everyone piles on.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/04/2023 12:06

There's nothing wrong with your posts OP. Mumsnet is being trolled more than usual the past few months

The best thing you can do is just blank the nasty posts, report any personal attacks and just acknowledge the helpful ones.

Gingergirl70 · 05/04/2023 12:07

Way to prove a point @Florissante

Gingergirl70 · 05/04/2023 12:13

RichardHeed · 05/04/2023 11:31

I think of those posters the same way I see the people who are walking the high streets in town centres shouting at people. They’ve likely got mental health issues and have sadly slipped through the bed, but they deserve a wide berth. Or they’re trolls looking for attention. Either way, don’t engage.

I love this analogy

Some people only exist on MN to be absolute gobshite cowards, hide behind the anonymity and lash out at people because they hate themselves and their own boring little lives. Some are just mildly annoying, some are outright bullies and some should really be reported for their vicious abusivemess. All are sad but some are also dangerous and could really do some serious harm to some posters who really are in desperate need of some empathy because they are genuinely suicidal

Mondayblues23 · 05/04/2023 12:19

I know what you're saying.

Some people get a thrill out of feeling they're better than people (they're absolutely not).

I don't know if you've had the same but I've also had some amazing, reassuring kind posts that have really helped me and made me realise how lovely people can be.

I hope you're ok OP.