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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone gone off and stayed off the idea of a relationship ever again?

28 replies

easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:18

It's a totally new feeling, could be due to being in an abusive relationship.

I'm 41 and the idea of wanting a partner has just evaporated but it's totally new as my entire life up to splitting up with ex I craved and felt I needed a partner. I needed to be loved romantically and had the idea I had to share my life with a man.

Could be as I am now a mother and feel fulfilled.

I wonder if I will ever want a man again, I know it could just be an adjustment, only been under a year of being single but I was already out of love and trapped in a horrid relationship before that, and before that also.

Last "good" guy was 2002! So maybe it's just forgetting what that was like?

Has anyone felt this way then wanted a relationship again?

I just think it's interesting that I completely do not want a partner and feel like I never will again.

OP posts:
soddingspiderseason · 05/04/2023 09:23

Yes, me too. And thank you for starting this thread as I thought I was the only one! I'm very happily single and not remotely interested in being part of a "couple". I have brought my kids up in my own, own my own home, have a decent job, good friends and a strong wider support network. I like my independence. I occasionally think that it would be nice to have someone to put the bins out, catch spiders etc, but that's about it.

Original poster
easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:28

Good for you! @soddingspiderseason

I like putting the bins out! I love the independence (could be as I was in a very controlling relationship) but looking back I realise that every time I've been independent and single has actually been the happiest.

Thing is though, at this point in life I've also gone off sex and don't need that either.

I wonder if this is all just signalling menopause but I'm only 41.

I just cannot see what a man could add and only see what one would remove, which is peace. I don't want to be touched or spoken to in that way at all.

The thing is it's so freeing because my entire life up to now was missing true love and now I just do not want it.

I think having real friendships might be a huge part of being able to be happy single because I feel "seen" you know? I don't feel like no one knows me, which I think is a huge part of needing that paternership?

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 05/04/2023 09:29

Me too, I got divorced in 2010, had a 5 year relationship but my dp sadly passed away. I've been single over 8 years now & like my own company, I've been a single parent to ds since he was 6, he is now 19 & recently moved out to live with his partner. I don't want to share my home with anyone or my life. I've done with having to pit up with someone else's moods & moans, my life is my own.

Itsbytheby · 05/04/2023 09:32

When my parents got divorced my mum dated breifly and then declared she would never have another relationship again. Which she didn't (she did die fairly young though). She said she was much happier on her own, making her own choices, not having to take anyone else into account, and just pleasing herself. I often think I might feel the same if me and DH broke up.

I expect that once you are old it might be a little lonely, but nothing that can't be replaced with good friends!

Original poster
easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:36

@Nat6999 Oh, this actually does kind of worry me. I wish I had had another child and when my daughter leaves I feel I will be sad, but I don't want a partner for that, I want a busy life I suppose and ideally another child but that's not likely!

OP posts:
Original poster
easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:37

I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

OP posts:
Original poster
easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:37

I suppose there is an option to move in with a friend when older.

OP posts:
Cleanmug · 05/04/2023 09:40

I have no interest in being a couple, having one person who is your default for doing almost everything with, but I do like a bit of male company and TBH I'm struggling to see a compromise situation I'd be happy with. I don't want a string of one night stands, but I also don't want anything serious iyswim.

divorceadviceneeded · 05/04/2023 09:45

Have you ever considered dating a woman? I switched from having a M to a F partner last year (and i don't consider myself bi particularly) and couldn't be happier!

MojoMoon · 05/04/2023 09:46

Think it's quite common tbh - women feel under pressure to be in monogamous relationships with men from their teens onwards. A huge amount of status is attached to it still - it's women fussing over wedding plans not men!

Plus the cost of housing means living together as a a couple has huge benefits particularly when you are at starting out on your career.

Older women, who have built a career and who can now afford to live on their own and have enough life experience to not feel the same pressure are increasingly choosing not to recouple up.

A new relationship has to be worth it to give up that freedom when there is less economic or social pressure to be in one.

Icedlatteplease · 05/04/2023 09:47

I'm 4 years down the line. No I still can't imagine being in another relationship. It would have to be someone incredibly extraordinary. After two long term dodgy relationships I really don't thing any man is that special

Original poster
easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:48

@Cleanmug I do see what you mean, so you still want sex often then?

See I don't! And that's also quite new. I never wanted it all the time but I did want it, but I always liked sex as a show of love and not a physical thing if that makes sense. So because I don't need that validation from a man, that a man loves me, I don't want the sex either.

One of my best friends is a man, but he's not attracted to women, so no risk of romance.

OP posts:
GinFug · 05/04/2023 09:49

I could have totally written your OP @easterbunnysbum. I'm a single parent in her mid 40s. I've been single for two years now and for the 12 years or so before that, in a couple of terrible relationships.
I had a first date a week ago, he was very nice, but I found that I didn't have the time or inclination to see him again.
I am very happy in my own space, parenting my child and pleasing myself.

pointythings · 05/04/2023 09:50

Me! I was married for 20 years, together 25, the last 5 were absolute hell. I've now been single for 5 years, my kids are mostly not here, I have cats and peace and I can do what the hell I want. I have zero interest in another relationship, I'm going to be single until the day I die.

Whydothat · 05/04/2023 09:50

I have no interest in ever having another relationship. A fwb would suit me.

StEtienne93 · 05/04/2023 09:52

I feel like this, although I've only been separated for a month, and I can't see my feelings changing for the foreseeable. It's interesting that you mention "peace", because that's how I feel. I don't want anything to disturb my peace. It's lovely not having to put up with someone else's moods and mardy face all the time! I love just being able to please myself and my daughter. And I love being able to parent exactly how I want, without anyone else interfering. I'd quite like a sex life but I can do without it as well. I might feel differently in time, as I'm only 38, but I certainly don't need a man in my life. I'm self sufficient and I can pay the mortgage/bills by myself. So if I ever did meet someone, I don't think I'd want to cohabit with them and would rather keep a degree of independence.

Original poster
easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:52

@pointythings Cool, so what is it that occupies most of your time then, is it your work and do you love your work, or is it something else?

I'm planning some volunteering in the summer that I hope will take me down a brand new career path. I love being around people that's the thing, but I don't want anyone else living in our home again, mine and my daughter's, and my cats...

OP posts:
Newgolddream70 · 05/04/2023 09:53

I can't imagine living with a man again. I've been divorced five years and have DS8.

I've nothing against men but I don't want to share my living space with one or have those stupid 'what's for dinner/what time will you be home' type conversations. I wouldn't want someone else using my washing machine or just generally doing things the 'wrong' way 😂 I like doing what I like when I like.

I feel free and accountable and I like paddling my own canoe.

pointythings · 05/04/2023 09:57

@easterbunnysbum I've just had some time out from work so am looking forward to getting back into a full time job. I volunteer for the cat rescue where I got my cats - vet runs, fundraising, that sort of thing. I also co-facilitate a support group for people who have loved ones in addiction - I started out as someone who attended because my late husband was an alcoholic and I'm now the go to for people who are where I used to be. Other than that I do field archery on a weekend, I write fiction, I read a lot and when my DC are here I love to spend time with them.

Original poster
easterbunnysbum · 05/04/2023 09:59

pointythings · 05/04/2023 09:57

@easterbunnysbum I've just had some time out from work so am looking forward to getting back into a full time job. I volunteer for the cat rescue where I got my cats - vet runs, fundraising, that sort of thing. I also co-facilitate a support group for people who have loved ones in addiction - I started out as someone who attended because my late husband was an alcoholic and I'm now the go to for people who are where I used to be. Other than that I do field archery on a weekend, I write fiction, I read a lot and when my DC are here I love to spend time with them.

Yes! That sounds amazing!

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 05/04/2023 10:02

Oh I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I absolutely will not consider another relationship ever again

Floatingprism · 05/04/2023 10:12

I too, can relate. I've been divorced for 3 years and my youngest DC is 3. New medication has recently dampened my libido, coupled with parenting very young DC means I don't wish to entertain a relationship because, like other PPs, I would gain nothing and lose a heck of a late. I'm mid 30's though and imagine this may all change when I'm older. Happy if it does, and equally happy if it doesn't. I was also in an abusive marriage and absolutely love my newly found freedom. At minimum, I quite like coming back to a clean and tidy house, waking up to it. And not feeling like I'm mothering an adult who is also my partner.

TalkedTooMuchStayedTooLong · 05/04/2023 10:15

Me too! Like @pointythings I was married for 20 years, together for (almost) 25... divorced 5 years ago and have never had any interest in another relationship. When I was still with ex (latterly as we became more and more distant) I used to day dream about a new relationship but once we split I never once wanted to pursue anything. So think that was about escaping the situation.

My kids are teens and the eldest is off to Uni this year but there's at least 3 more years of kids at home and I have cats which is more than enough to share a home with. I work full time and have friends I socialise with regularly and that's plenty.

TokyoStories · 05/04/2023 10:15

This is me. I was open to relationships until the past year or so. Now I can’t imagine it. I can’t imagine ever having sex again. I can’t imagine living with a man again. The whole thing makes me shudder. I’m early 30s which perhaps feels a bit young to be at this point, but my experience of relationships hasn’t been good and I’ve had enough of it all. It’s quite liberating actually, not to be concerned with any of it. I’m just focusing on myself now, on building a fulfilling life as a single woman.

AxolotlOnions · 05/04/2023 10:20

I'm 42 and I haven't dated in 12 years. Can't imagine wanting to any time soon.

My mother was single for 10 years after splitting with my dad then married her best friend's widower. I'm happier single. I hate who I become when I'm in a relationship.