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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu for calling my husband a bad father?

45 replies

Ilovesardines · 04/04/2023 18:58

Long time reader, but new poster. I feel guilty, and already apologized but that's enough for him.

So husband has 3 kids , none of them are biologically mine but I have been in their lives since oldest was 5 and youngest 1. Their bio mom isn't in the picture. So they call me mom and I pretty much do everything a mother is "supposed" to do.

My husband and I are very overweight. I have diabetes and as a result changed completely my diet.

So, I cook their food, then mine. Morning is cereals, pancakes or bread. Lots of sugar. We all take it together though. Dinner is often take away or nuggets.

My "step" ( I hate that word) daughter now aged 11, asked me one day if she could try my breakfast instead of hers. I said yes. She loved the lentils. The past 8 months, she has been eating like me. Of course I make sure to meet the needs of an 11yo instead of someone of my age and weight. It is not a diet to lose weight.

We make a weekly menu and cook together.

Recently, my husband has been acting weird. Then all of a sudden he told me " I am sick of you feeding my child olives, tomatoes or your sh*t healthy stuff. You are ruining her childhood. Maybe you are diabetic but she isn't you. Stop projecting. So tomorrow I want to see her eat pasta and nuggets instead of your fancy chicken and brown rice".

I told him that it wasn't fair. She is the one who cries for pickles or steals olives when dinner isn't ready. Then I said

" Maybe you should try my fancy chicken instead of eating burgers everyday. You want your daughter to be like me later in live? Diabetic? You are such a bad father"

I know it wasn't a good thing to say. I apologized. But that's not enough. He stopped talking to me " I will talk to you again once you'll get rid of all your garbage food".

Aibu?

OP posts:

Changingplace · 04/04/2023 19:01

How ridiculous, does he think nuggets & burgers are somehow superior?

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2023 19:02

He sounds like he’s in denial about his weight and jealous you’re taking better care of yourself.

I am very overweight and do the best I can to ensure my kids aren’t the same.

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2023 19:02

I’d be over the mood if I kid would eat an olive or tomato 🤣

Theunamedcat · 04/04/2023 19:09

So he is not going to talk to you until you give up a healthy diet? 🤔

nomoremerlot · 04/04/2023 19:11

There is surely some middle ground between lentils and nuggets!

Then all of you could eat together?

PhoenixReincarnated · 04/04/2023 19:12

Enjoy the peace and quiet while you can and keep up the healthy diet. Your health is more important. Consider whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who sounds controlling and behaves like a petulant toddler.

Littlepiglet123 · 04/04/2023 19:14

No you are not unreasonable. He is behaving foolishly- Obviously threatened by these positive changes to you and the kids lifestyles. Keep up the good work for the sake of you and YOUR kids.

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 04/04/2023 19:14

He has issues with food and doesn’t want to admit it or doesn’t know HOW to admit it or that he even has them. Possibly because of the way he has been raised or just the habits he had developed.

These issues are toxic when passed down to children or forced upon partners.

I would have a serious chat with him and help him to understand the impression and influence he has as a father.

Do you have any legal rights to the children?

Littlepiglet123 · 04/04/2023 19:16

And maybe think about adopting your children

Cheesyfootballs01 · 04/04/2023 19:17

This is him not facing up to dealing with his weight and Diabetes. He knows that he needs to eat better and lose weight for his health but for whatever reason,he doesn’t want to.

You making the change to your diet and ultimately your health is pissing him off because he can’t/won’t do it. Add to this that his 11 year old child is now eating healthy is adding to his embarrassment that he cannot change his ways.

PLEASE keep to your new healthy eating and tell him to fuck off if he try’s to change you. Speak to his daughter when he is there and ask her to explain why she wants to eat this way! He’s assuming that she wants to eat junk food but some people do like eating healthy food.

Stay strong.

Curseofthenation · 04/04/2023 19:17

That was a depressing read. I'm sorry your DP is such a shit. Well done on turning your diet around.

I would just continue as if he hadn't said anything about your diet and allow your SDD to continue choosing her food too. What is he going to do? Shove a nugget in her mouth? He should be ashamed of himself.

AliceOlive · 04/04/2023 19:18

I’d simply tell him she is old enough to choose to eat what you are eating.

OhmygodDont · 04/04/2023 19:19

He sounds shit. I’d honestly ignore him. His child wants healthy food that’s fucking great. He is a shit dad.

PonyPatter44 · 04/04/2023 19:19

Does it have to be lentils or nuggets? Surely there is a whole larder-ful of tasty healthy food that isn't either of these extremes?

Grilled chicken, fish, pasta with tomato sauces instead of creamy ones, nuggets as a Friday night treat....the list goes on.

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 19:20

Did you ask chatGPT to type something to get mumsnetters frothing? 😅

Original poster

Ilovesardines · 04/04/2023 19:22

nomoremerlot · 04/04/2023 19:11

There is surely some middle ground between lentils and nuggets!

Then all of you could eat together?

I tried. It worked wonders at first. The boys would eat the lentils, they discovered how nice garlic and coriander tasted like.

Then my husband kept buying take aways, I had to forfeit. Can't fight KFC.

But my girl, she doesn't want any take aways, not even candies or chocolate. Fruits and olives are her thing for snacks. My husband thinks I am forcing her or something, but she literally steals the jar of olives.

She enjoy the cooking process, cutting onions, mincing meat etc...

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2023 19:23

Your husband is an ungrateful idiot. He's obviously wrong about the food, but on top of that, if he wants "his child" cooked for in a certain way he can do it himself in future. Who does he think he is?

Original poster

Ilovesardines · 04/04/2023 19:24

PonyPatter44 · 04/04/2023 19:19

Does it have to be lentils or nuggets? Surely there is a whole larder-ful of tasty healthy food that isn't either of these extremes?

Grilled chicken, fish, pasta with tomato sauces instead of creamy ones, nuggets as a Friday night treat....the list goes on.

It was just an example. I don't eat lentils everyday. But the boys' food is pretty much only fast food.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovesardines · 04/04/2023 19:27

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 04/04/2023 19:14

He has issues with food and doesn’t want to admit it or doesn’t know HOW to admit it or that he even has them. Possibly because of the way he has been raised or just the habits he had developed.

These issues are toxic when passed down to children or forced upon partners.

I would have a serious chat with him and help him to understand the impression and influence he has as a father.

Do you have any legal rights to the children?

I have 0 rights. If he wanted, he can ask for a divorce and never let me see them again. Although the oldest is 16, and him and I have a wonderful relationship. So I am sure he'd contact me.

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 04/04/2023 19:30

I can't believe people are reacting to this like it's plausible.

rainyskylight · 04/04/2023 19:35

It sounds like he’s set in his ways and fearful of your healthy eating catching on within the household. Ultimately his fear a) having to face up to himself, and then b) feeling pressured to change. In the short term he’s settling for continuing to abuse himself and his children by force feeding them crap.

TheSnowyOwl · 04/04/2023 19:39

It sounds like a household full of people with eating issues.

Children shouldn’t be stealing food, regardless of whether it’s olives and not chocolate. Food shouldn’t be healthy or unhealthy.

I think you all need to work together to find nice meals you can all enjoy eating, which are the right portion sizes and make food a positive experience for the right reasons.

snowbellsxox · 04/04/2023 19:41

No you're right, it's a form of abuse letting a child eat so unhealthy when they don't know any better

You are NOT being unreasonable

Kanaloa · 04/04/2023 19:41

An 11 year old ‘cries’ for olives when waiting for dinner? That doesn’t sound like average 11 year old behaviour. She’s presumably in secondary school and manages not to sob for olives while waiting in the lunch queue.

MeinKraft · 04/04/2023 19:43

This sounds like one of those Fabiosa videos
.

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