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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help - I’m loosing my mind

68 replies

Feelingcrazy123 · 04/04/2023 18:32

I posted the other day re this but I need help please.

Back in September I stumbled across messages between my husband and a girl he used to know years ago when I was sending myself some pictures from him phone to mine.

He had hid and deleted messages so I have no idea what they were saying. He said they bumped into each other one day and talked from there - nothing else to it.

I was looking through his pictures on his phone the other night and found screen shots of their messages he had taken. Some of them were from JULY 22.

my birthday was September and his emails are linked to my phone. I was expecting a gift from Etsy from him but nothing came of it. The keyring was engraved “elephant juice” which when whispered looks like you’re saying I love you - the whole love island thing. This made no sense why he would buy me this. When I asked him it was in his car. I’m very suspicious that it wasn’t meant for me.

I had tried to message her to get her side of the story when I approached him about it again but he had messaged her to give her a heads up I had seen screen shots. She has blocked me on all social media and they were taking about it over insta.

AIBU to create a new insta so I can message her or is that pure crazy behaviour?

OP posts:

Fairislefandango · 05/04/2023 07:58

our money is joint - I don’t have a penny to myself and would struggle on my own. I could never manage 2 children and run the house alone.
I can’t walk away with out the proof - I know that’s stupid and pathetic. I know that.

You're contradicting yourself here. You could never mansge the house and kids alone... but you're going to leave if you have proof? It sounds as though you think that if you don't have absolutely cast iron proof, you can pretend nothing was going on. But you know it is.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/04/2023 07:59

But you have the proof. I am really really sorry you are in the situation. He is a complete shit. Unfortunately you can't break up someone else's relationship, he will say that he will end it but you won't know that for sure and it sounds as though they will continue with it. It sounds like a long established relationship if she is talking to him like that, complaining about him taking you to places they went to together.

If I were you I would tell him it's over. If he fights for you then that's one thing that I don't think he will I'm afraid.

SaltyGod · 05/04/2023 08:02

I'm afraid that it's clear that he's having an affair.

If you want to stay (and no judgement, I stayed) I wouldn't go looking for anything else. It won't help. You need to write it off and find a way to move on. I'd accept that it's likely to continue and / or happen again with someone else.

If you want to leave you can do that without all the extra sleuthing. What you've seen is enough. You're more than justified. You don't need permission based on 'evidence'.

If you're married joint money, assets etc will be half yours. Of course it will be tough, but would it be tougher than going through this pain again and again.

You don't also have to rush a decision. I think these threads can push the pace on what is a really big emotional and physical change. Take your time, get advice, make plans, get things together that you might need if you're going to leave him (particularly info on the financials)

Best of luck. Having been in your shoes I can emphasise on the gut wrenching awfulness.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 05/04/2023 08:06

If it were me, and not everyone would agree, but I would have an abortion it's early days and means you inly have one child.

Start divorce proceedings, stating adultery, name her if you want. See what you would be entitled to in a settlement, it might be more than you think.

Do not believe a word that comes out his mouth, he is a lier, a cheat and will try and gaslight you.

Don't make this your life

IHateFlies · 05/04/2023 08:18

I'm sorry you're going through this but you already know the truth. There is no point in messaging her. Your issue is with your husband. You need to start looking at separating.
Some men really are vile. Having an affair when your wife is 12 weeks pregnant is pretty disgusting.

Lonelymama88 · 05/04/2023 08:22

I’m sorry you are going through.
In my opinion you have all the proof that you need, your husband giving her the ‘heads up’ and her blocking in you speaks volumes.
Even if you were to create a new account I highly doubt she would reply.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is seek advice regarding the house and joint finances. You absolutely can do it on your own, it may be a struggle at the beginning but you will find your feet.
Do you have much of a support system around you?

As someone has already said, you are in panic mode but the anger will come and you will see things in a different light.
You need to ask yourself if you were to stay could you trust him again.

LadyGAgain · 05/04/2023 08:28

I've read this same post before. It was then taken down by MN as banned poster.

LadyGAgain · 05/04/2023 08:29

I can't report as on my mobile. Can someone else?

nomoremerlot · 05/04/2023 08:38

LadyGAgain · 05/04/2023 08:29

I can't report as on my mobile. Can someone else?

Slide to the left on the post you want to report, it's got the repost option there.

Whataretheodds · 05/04/2023 08:39

Feelingcrazy123 · 04/04/2023 18:41

The reasons I haven’t left:

I’m 12 weeks pregnant
We have a 3 year old together
All our money is joint - I don’t have a penny to myself and would struggle on my own. I could never manage 2 children and run the house alone.
I can’t walk away with out the proof - I know that’s stupid and pathetic. I know that.

You have proof though, you've seen the messages? You don't need permission to leave.

If you don't want to leave him then don't, but reading their messages/finding out more details isn't goung to make it easier to stay.

Daz57 · 05/04/2023 08:40

I’m sorry … horrible situation for you. I’m always amazed at how quickly people on here tell others to end their marriage when they don’t even know you!
A friend’s husband was having an affair but they managed to talk it through and stayed together. She is happier than she has ever been. So could you go out for the evening together and talk it through? Good luck x

LookItsMeAgain · 05/04/2023 08:50

Feelingcrazy123 · 05/04/2023 07:14

I’m so scared

I don’t want to leave him I love him.

I want to believe that it’s innocent and just friendship but I don’t.

Im so upset and hurt by it all.

Im confused.

This is going to be like ripping a plaster off.

Don't be scared. Use this energy to become the stronger, wiser woman you know you can be.

In all fairness, I don't think you do love him. You love the idea of being in love with him. You don't relish the idea of not having him around and of being by yourself. He's having an emotional if not a physical affair.

He isn't innocent if he's sent messages like you have seen. He did send them, right? Then he's already checked out of your relationship or never really ever checked in completely. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Do you really want to share a man, physically, with another woman?

I can sense that you're upset and hurt and confused by it all but you need time and space to process what is happening and what has already happened. Give yourself this time and space. Deal with this with a clear head. Imagine this is happening to a very dear friend of yours and what you would suggest to them to do in that situation. What would you suggest to a friend to do?

LookItsMeAgain · 05/04/2023 08:51

MrsDoylesDoily · 04/04/2023 18:42

The reasons you haven't left will be the same reasons he thinks he can get away with having an affair.

Show quote history

100% this.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 05/04/2023 09:11

Feelingcrazy123 · 04/04/2023 18:41

The reasons I haven’t left:

So if this started back in September and you were already displaying dangerous behaviour of control by checking his phone and attempting to stalk what it likely the OW (though I don't EVER agree with invading anyones privacy by looking through their personal conversations, and I say that as someone who has been cheated on in two long term relationships), why on Earth did you get pregnant? Sorry, but I've lost sympathy. Though many women magically manage to raise children as single parents.

Original poster

Feelingcrazy123 · 05/04/2023 10:32

I wasn’t checking through his phone I was looking at photos of recent trip away. I wasn’t looking through messages etc - there were screen shots in his photos.

I haven’t messaged the OW, I decided against that.

OP posts:

toddlermumx · 05/04/2023 15:22

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

MaireadMcSweeney · 05/04/2023 15:25