Please help - I’m loosing my mind

[Feelingcrazy123]

I posted the other day re this but I need help please.

Back in September I stumbled across messages between my husband and a girl he used to know years ago when I was sending myself some pictures from him phone to mine.

He had hid and deleted messages so I have no idea what they were saying. He said they bumped into each other one day and talked from there - nothing else to it.

I was looking through his pictures on his phone the other night and found screen shots of their messages he had taken. Some of them were from JULY 22.

my birthday was September and his emails are linked to my phone. I was expecting a gift from Etsy from him but nothing came of it. The keyring was engraved “elephant juice” which when whispered looks like you’re saying I love you - the whole love island thing. This made no sense why he would buy me this. When I asked him it was in his car. I’m very suspicious that it wasn’t meant for me.

I had tried to message her to get her side of the story when I approached him about it again but he had messaged her to give her a heads up I had seen screen shots. She has blocked me on all social media and they were taking about it over insta.

AIBU to create a new insta so I can message her or is that pure crazy behaviour?

He is hiding and deleting messages and you are going through his phone.

Clearly there is no trust in the relationship so regardless of what this girl has to say your relationship is over. No trust then no point.

Do you have family you could go and stay with for a while?

You cannot save a relationship while this is going on. Your best chance of saving it is leaving him. At the moment he is in fantasy land. All secretive and teenage, not facing real life, secrets and fawning over one another. Like 14 year olds. An affair projects who he wants to be, it’s not real life. It’s not babies, bills, housework. It’s secrets, elephant jokes and flattery.

I’d working on being able to pull the plug. Work on yourself, get yourself into a position so you can leave and manage alone. If this pos leaves you are on your own anyway. If he doesn’t admit he is cheating then he’s a spineless liar - so you may as well be alone. Her self esteem must be on the floor to put up with this nonsense, most people would not allow themselves to be a dirty little secret. So she is never going to help you. She’s either cheating herself or getting validation from stealing another persons partner. She blocked you rather than dumping him- she won’t tell you anything useful.

Its very hard to save a relationship after cheating. If you look at the affair recovery website you will see his behaviour means you cannot save it at present.

What can you do to get yourself into a position to leave? Housing situation? Job? This is your priority.

In your situation I'd have an abortion. You need to be independent of this absolute bastard and leaving, getting a job etc will be so much easier if you're not pregnant.

Ok you're in a shit situation!

But you absolutely can go it alone! It'll be easier than the stress and worry of knowing he's being unfaithful!

It's a bad situation that many women find themselves in. He should leave. You need to find a job and a childminder.

I agree with CalistoNoSolo. I’d terminate too. I’m really sorry if that upsets you. But (as I said earlier) my priority would be getting a full time job and earning as much as possible to look after yourself and your 3 year old. One child means it’s easy to work full time, especially with free nursery hours. 2 is far trickier.

Even if he stops cheating there is something in him that says this is acceptable behaviour. He allows himself to cross this line. There is nothing that you have done to cause this. Even if your marriage sucked, he allowed himself to cross the line. Either for validation, or greed, or self esteem etc or because he thinks he deserves it. He’s a lying coward. Who is potentially putting you and your children’s health at risk. From PTSD or STDs.

Do everything you can to preserve your self esteem. Tell your friends and family what you suspect. Read the book ‘just good friends’. Take care of yourself. You deserve better in life than this waste of space.

If she’s blocked you, she’s not willing to give you any information so I don’t know what messaging her would achieve. Have you announced your pregnancy? He’s probably telling her a different story. But I wouldn’t be planning a future with a man who is telling another woman he loves her

Please don't message her , you'll just be labelled as the crazy wife. Maintain your dignity and end it, even if you do message her, she may lie and you'll end up driving yourself mad .
You have all the evidence you need, you need to seek legal advice.

Stay strong. You can absolutely leave him and be okay.

I think it's understandable you want to do that and I wouldn't judge you for it.

However, she will not give you the closure you think you need. She's blocked you because she is siding with your H and clearly doesn't think they're doing anything wrong. He's probably telling her he can't leave because of the kids/finances. That you got yourself pregnant to keep him but he'll leave you soon and set up home with her. These are excuses (from both of you).

Go and get legal/financial advice and speak to your local council if there are no assets to split. You will be ok, honestly.

I'm not sure why but him giving her the 'heads up' annoyed me more than anything! Absolutely no remorse and the 2 of them working together. No respect for you at all.

If you have family or friends you can confide in then please do so now. You will get support. Also speaking to your midwife or health visitor might be a good idea. You aren't the first person to unexpectedly go through a pregnancy alone and they can signpost you to people who can help.

😢

Don't get an abortion unless you don't want the baby. If you have to cope with two you will x

Some wicked souls on here saying you should get an abortion. Don't listen to them, do what is right for you.

Take photocopies of everything - wage slips, P60's, pension arrangements, life insurance etc, passports, NI numbers etc.

Sign on if you're not working and start a claim for CTC and WTC or UC if they're no longer available. You're claim is due to marital breakdown. Use your parents or a friends address if you can.

Wait for pay day then clear all accounts of all money and put the money into an account in your sole name. Remove any over draft facilities and your name ftom all accounts.

Be prepared to transfer some £ back, but do not leave yourself short. F him.

Your relationship is over OP, I'm so sorry he is cheating :(

How dare you say its wicked? Maybe it's what the OP will choose, maybe she couldn't bear the thought of it. Some bloody handmaiden telling her abortion is wicked is not helpful. Why didn't you mention that adultery is just as wicked in the eyes of God?

Don’t message her. You already know the truth. You need to focus on getting yourself out of your relationship. All of this drama just feeds his narrative that you are too crazy so he will have a reason to break up with you and she is the perfect rational woman so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about cheating on you.

I’m 12 weeks pregnant

Fuck sake. This is a real shame.

He’s telling another woman he loves her.

You do see that he’s having a total and complete affair, don’t you?? He’s full of absolute shit. And the way they talk is as though you are the other woman.

He is a disgrace.

I think the PP meant it's wicked to tell someone who has a much wanted pregnancy to abort, not that abortion is wicked in itself. Although I have no idea how the OP feels but I did think it was a bit much to tell her to do that when she's already in an emotional situation. At 12 weeks their younger DC might already know. It's ok to gently suggest it as an option but not tell her to do it to get a job IYSWIM.

What proof would make you stay?

If he found a message between you and him from years ago referencing the 'elephant juice' thing?, Would you believe that the messages to her were innocent?

What if she said she'd never seen those messages before? And he said they were faked and put on his phone by someone else?

What if he said she was a work friend and his shifts were scary because they were comparing shifts, and he took you to a place that they hugely coincidentally met before they started working together?

If you won't leave without proof, presumably it's because you think there might be something he can say or do that shows it's all a big misunderstanding. And god, I really really really get why you want that.

But there's not a single good explanation for anything you've seen so far. If you can think of a way he could explain it all away AND you'd believe him, stick around to hear the proof.

Otherwise, cut your losses now. You're torturing yourself waiting for a smoking gun you might not get and hoping for an explanation you're definitely not going to get.

You don't need the stress and misery. Ask everyone who loves you for help and support, find out what money you're entitled to, and find a way to get away from him. He's a lying prick and you don't need any more proof.

DO NOT LET HIM GASLIGHT YOU THAT THIS IS IN YOUR HEAD!
Your gut instinct is telling you what your heart doesn't want to hear.
If I were you, I'd totally drop it, get your ducks in a row, speak to citizens advice and family for supper and when he guard drops (which it will) you'll be able to catch him out and Chuck him out! Xx

There is no point in messaging her, you will feed the narrative that you are a crazy woman. The problem with men like your OH is that while they are lying and cheating, they are always 10 steps ahead of you. Always. If he is capable of doing this while you have a young child and are pregnant then unfortunately this is the best your ever going to get. Your choices are either turn a blind eye and get on with it or leave him. If you stay, at the very least, gather all info on finances, important documents etc and find out what you are entitled to when he leaves or carries on how he is but gets more blatant with it. If you stay, you are telling him that you will put up with this. If she ends it, he will find someone else. He is not a nice man.

Right. If she had replied (rather than panicked that the wife of the man she's shagging messaged her) and told you nothing happened, would you have believed her anyway?

I’m so scared

I don’t want to leave him I love him.

I want to believe that it’s innocent and just friendship but I don’t.

Im so upset and hurt by it all.

Im confused.

Can you get some space away from him so you can think more clearly? So you can start to consider what's best for you? I've been there & understand the awful confusion, maybe being separate from him will help you process it all

You're in panic mode, you're doing the pick me dance.

It's a process, you'll get through this.

I'm hoping your anger comes really soon!

I’m so sorry you are going through this.