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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to celebrate my Birthday

43 replies

flipent · 04/04/2023 14:48

I don't have any interest in celebrating my birthday. I don't share the date with people at work or people who don't know.
But obviously my family and oldest friends all know the date.

I have told my family and friends that I just want it to be a normal day - but they have insisted on marking the occasion and giving gifts.
It seems to be offensive to them that I don't want to do anything or have any gifts. I've tried for a number of years but they've even all turned up at my house with no notice in previous years.
The idea of celebrating or having to sit in front of people and open presents makes me feel incredibly anxious. I'm not trying to be ungrateful.

AIBU to not want to do anything and to not want any gifts.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 04/04/2023 14:55

Not at all. It’s your birthday and you should be able to celebrate it or not celebrate it however you want.

I really don’t understand why some people think they’re entitled to tell people how they should celebrate their birthday. It is not hard to respect someone’s wishes when it is absolutely takes nothing to do so.

girlfriend44 · 04/04/2023 14:59

flipent · 04/04/2023 14:48

I don't have any interest in celebrating my birthday. I don't share the date with people at work or people who don't know.
But obviously my family and oldest friends all know the date.

I have told my family and friends that I just want it to be a normal day - but they have insisted on marking the occasion and giving gifts.
It seems to be offensive to them that I don't want to do anything or have any gifts. I've tried for a number of years but they've even all turned up at my house with no notice in previous years.
The idea of celebrating or having to sit in front of people and open presents makes me feel incredibly anxious. I'm not trying to be ungrateful.

AIBU to not want to do anything and to not want any gifts.

Why don't you want to. Its your special day.

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 15:00

It’s your birthday so entirely your choice. They’re unkind to not listen to you. Many people refuse to understand that not everyone wants and enjoys what they do.

Needmorelego · 04/04/2023 15:02

If they are that desperate to get you gifts give them all a wish list.
Doesn't have to be expensive or fancy things - a new paperback book, a new reusable shopping bag or something. Things that you will use.
On the actual day go out somewhere that you want to go to (again - doesn't have to be fancy - a walk along a local canal path followed by a trip to a coffee shop) so if they pop round unexpectedly you simply aren't home.

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 15:03

girlfriend44 · 04/04/2023 14:59

Why don't you want to. Its your special day.

Show quote history

Prime example. 🙄 Does it matter why? She doesn’t want it to be ‘special’. She was ants it to be like any other day.

Original poster
flipent · 04/04/2023 15:14

ASixPackAndTheRadio · 04/04/2023 15:03

Prime example. 🙄 Does it matter why? She doesn’t want it to be ‘special’. She was ants it to be like any other day.

Show quote history

Exactly this.
I would quite happily never mention it and do exactly what I would do on any other day. But it seems to upset everyone else - which makes me feel awful.
It's getting worse each year - feel physically sick thinking about it.

OP posts:
AllIeveknewonlyou · 04/04/2023 15:17

The only birthday I'll remember and was happiest was just me and the cat (parents in the background) quite delighted to be having champagne and hot dogs! It was bliss and so peaceful!

So I fully endorse your stance.

Malariahilaria · 04/04/2023 15:20

Agree with PP, book a hotel by a beach, go away, read your favourite book in peace. It's YOUR birthday, enjoy it. No guilt, hate people insisting you enjoy your birthday the way you ought to. Society can be a tad controlling sometimes. Happy Quiet Birthday!

halloumi1 · 04/04/2023 15:31

I completely understand. Growing up my mum always caused a massive scene on my birthday for trivial things. I’d also be watched opening presents and have to make sure I was overly reactive to them as she once had a ‘strop’ at me (a child) for not appearing grateful enough.

I hate birthdays now, they just make me feel anxious and upset because all of mine apart from a couple have been rubbish. You do what makes you happy and people should respect that. I find they take over and make it about them.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 04/04/2023 15:38

Actually it's nice to read a thread like this as people can get so hyped up about things.

If I ever get married I want a tiny Norman/Saxon church in a field full of sheep and 6 guests. Nice dress though of course.

My favourite valentines was atypical as well, my friend was having a crisis about girlfriends and she ordered me to get a bottle of white wine. Then she got claustrophobic and wanted to go to the park so I snatched a blanket and the wine and we sat on a hill overlooking the city. It was really magical with all the lights.

She suddenly started to run down the hill to catch a bus to a gay club so I ran after her - I wanted to go home but was suddenly left with the wine and the blanket so wrapped the bottle up with it and went home to sleep.

Hbh17 · 04/04/2023 15:59

I totally get this. I'm in my 50s now but I just get less and less interested in my own birthday. I find it so embarassing, to the extent that it takes me several days to open cards & presents. At least Christmas is for everyone, so far less excruciating.
This year my husband will be away on holiday (coincidental, but I'm happy about it) and I'm planning a quiet, solo day - maybe with a bit of volunteering, but nobody there will know, so no problem.
I mark other people's birthdays because it makes them happy, but by what logic do we have to celebrate the anniversary of someone being born, which is a very random thing/accident of biology? Their only "achievement" is to breathe in and out for a further 365 days 😂

LlynTegid · 04/04/2023 16:01

Ask them to donate to your favourite charity instead, make it a positive thing of not celebrating.

SouthCountryGirl · 04/04/2023 16:05

I feel the same way. (Not helped by 2 days later, it's the anniversary of Grandma's death) I'll just be going to the cinema in my birthday

Stripycatz · 04/04/2023 16:11

I'm with you. I've found the only way to manage it is to take control of the day myself.

I've also found that if you stop buying other people cards and presents, they eventually stop buying them for you 🤣

dottypotter · 04/04/2023 17:03

Boring lol. What is it you can't cope with?

Stripycatz · 04/04/2023 17:06

dottypotter · 04/04/2023 17:03

Boring lol. What is it you can't cope with?

People like you I imagine. Lol

SaturdayGiraffe · 04/04/2023 17:07

What was the last birthday you enjoyed? And what made it enjoyable?

GlassBunion · 04/04/2023 17:11

I don't tend to celebrate my birthday and my family know this.

I once had to endure, and I mean endure, an occasion where my colleagues piled into my area and did a big speech thing and a presentation of gifts and flowers for a big birthday. I wanted to curl up and die.

Mercifully now, my husband and I will pootle off to a local pub/restaurant and we'll have a quiet meal.
My adult children live quite a long way away so I get a phone call and flowers sent to me. Maybe a book or a piece of pottery will follow suit but it suits me to have a quiet day.

HeddaGarbled · 04/04/2023 17:15

They don’t believe you. Lots of people say “oh, don’t get me anything”, “I don’t want any fuss” etc, but a lot of them don’t really mean it.

I agree with PPs: take control and be somewhere no one can find you.

bamboonights · 04/04/2023 22:15

I 100% hear you. I hate being the centre of attention, and have everything I need. A card and kind words are perfectly acceptable. At a push a meal with my kids. I'm another whose mother expected her to jump for joy with every unwrapping. It's so draining and all about her self gratification, not mine.

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 04/04/2023 23:31

"If I ever get married I want a tiny Norman/Saxon church in a field full of sheep and 6 guests. Nice dress though of course."

That is very dramatic. I'm a person who hates my birthday and doesn't celebrate it, I'd rather never be married than go to the dramatics of seeking out a Norman church and having someone cart a fields worth full of sheep there. Fucking hell 🤣

AllIeveknewonlyou · 05/04/2023 00:08

RideACockHorseToSunburyCross · 04/04/2023 23:31

"If I ever get married I want a tiny Norman/Saxon church in a field full of sheep and 6 guests. Nice dress though of course."

That is very dramatic. I'm a person who hates my birthday and doesn't celebrate it, I'd rather never be married than go to the dramatics of seeking out a Norman church and having someone cart a fields worth full of sheep there. Fucking hell 🤣

Noooo I saw one in my teens and thought of how beautiful it was! The sheep were the icing on the cake. I spent a lot of childhood on a farm and it brought back memories of feeding lambs with a bottle.

It's not like I'd be phoning Home & Gardens or whatever they're called.

It just looked so tranquil. We may have to agree to disagree :)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/04/2023 01:18

So you don't want to celebrate you birthday. You don't want people to know about it but you want to post about it on MN?

SinnerBoy · 05/04/2023 02:35

I don't like a fuss, either and I can't be arsed with Christmas and New Year, either. I make an effort for other people, but for me, it's just another day.

Family are always trying to get me to make a fuss. Both my 40th and 50th were spent working at sea, several family members told me I wasn't "going to get away with it."

A few years ago, I was home and my wife asked me to cook, then her sister's family arrived. Her sister hates me and spends her time being aggressive to me, lying about me, lying to me and if I'm very lucky, just being smug and sarcastic.

I took the dog for a long walk, which caused ructions. She phoned me and asked when I was coming back and I told her when her sister had left.

Later, she accused me of ruining everything. Yes, because I'd spent the day cooking a huge dinner for other people, then the bully arrived to eat it.

People shouldn't be organising enforced jollity for others, who aren't interested.

MuddledMindy · 05/04/2023 13:33

I'm the same. My birthday is very soon and people keep asking me what we are doing. I'm happy to go for a few drinks but that's the normal for me of a weekend and not bothered about doing anything else different just because it's my birthday! My DC are insisting on taking me out for tea which is fine, I'm doing it for them.
A throw away comment I made at work a few weeks has resulted in a card given to me in front of everyone and now everyone knows and I really couldn't be arsed!