To ask for your help and advice re: leaving a man who is abusive/plays dirty

[reddwarfgeek]

Hi all
Some people may recognise my username, I created a thread recently about my partner drinking, going to football all weekend, keeping me up with his drinking so I have to sleep in my daughters room. He does no housework, hasn't spoken to my family 3 years (I see his nearly every weekend), says I contribute nothing financially and I'm a bad mum and he doesn't like my parenting style (I work 4 days a week, sort house and all childcare ,most life admin). We argue daily, in front of DD too. He works, sleeps, plays on computer games and drinks.
Lockdown was hard on us, lots of shouting, I wanted to leave then. We did counselling recently, it wasn't great. I ended up crying and the counsellor looked in disbelieve at me regarding what he says to me. I truly believe it is too late for us.
We don't love each other anymore, and have said so. We are both miserable. I sleep on the sofa and have done for 5 months or so due to his snoring. I feel at the mercy of his moods and drinking, I feel like I basically facilitate his life, I barely see friends as he gives me grief if I go out. The only way I can live with him is if I do my best to ignore him. Talking to him doesn't work. Nothing I do is right, or good enough.

In lockdown he said he'll never leave the home. I stayed put, thinking I could stick it out until DD is adult, but I realise now I can't. DD 5 now, 13 years is a long time.
We are not married, the house is actually more mine. My parents tried to persuade me for a while to stay put (they have money, unprotected unfortunately, tied up in our house deposit) but they can see how unhappy I am and it that it sometimes seems unsafe, and have backed down a little.

I've been looking at rental properties nearby and have done a benefit calculator. Theoretically I could afford to support myself. However have so many worries and questions about leaving him. He can be very difficult, vindictive and is great at being charming and persuasive to others and twisting everything I say.
I'll bullet point a few concerns.

• I'd be scared of him finding out where I live and hurling abuse or knocking on my door especially when drunk, or letting down my tires and that kind of thing.
• He already says bad things to me in front of DD and I'm sure this would get worse. Ie. "All mummy cares about is work, she doesn't care about you" and I'm worried this would make DD not want to see me anymore
• I can imagine him picking her up from school before I get there on my days and running off with her so she is far away from me. I saw a thread about a man running off with the kids recently and could see this happening to me.
• Him and MIL ringing social services saying I'm an unfit mother. MIL has done this before. The reason being, I once gave her water from a cup when she was a toddler that had a bit of black under the plastic rim that I couldn't see . MIL has form for being vindictive too.
• Him telling everyone (including police and SS if it gets that far) that I'm a drug addict and I'm from a family of smackheads (he is referring to the fact that I'm on ADs long term and that my brother, who I rarely see and has no contact with DD, is a recovering addict).
• Worried about DD being very upset and hating me for it. I would never stop her seeing her dad or his family despite the above.
• He has said he'll never pay any child support, the child tax credits go to him currently. He'd do his best to screw me financially.

Lots more but you get the picture. I'm trying to save up some money, bide my time. I'm 38 now but by 40 I'd like to have left him.

How do I begin to get my things in order? What would you do if you were me?
Has anyone ever been in this situation?

Just to reiterate, he won't leave and changing the locks and stuff will not work with him. He won't take it lying down. I tried Womens Aid but couldn't get through. No solicitors near me offer a free half hour and I can't afford extra fees. I have no one who I can stay with, my parents won't take me or DD even for a night (believe me, I've asked) nor do I have any friends I can stay with.
I've seen people on here advise women to never leave the family home, but what if there is no other option?

Thanks x

Are you guys married? You bought the house together?

How tight are your finances? Is there any way you could get the money together to some legal advice?

Is his name on the deeds or mortgage?

This advice line helped me a lot when I left

Contact us - childlawadvice.org.uk
Child Law Advice
https://childlawadvice.org.uk › About Us

Telephone: · 0300 330 5480: Family Law · 0300 330 5485

They provide free legal advice to those unrepresented.

Your main worry is as you say around child access, this is why we can't just leave and be free.

Has he perpetuated tangible domestic abuse?
Has the child witnessed it?
Has the child been affected by it to any degree?

You need a solicitor, and to force the sale of the house.

Any threats from him, report straight to the police.

@FishChipsMushyPeas It says in the OP that she is not married

One piece of advice, get a good lawyer and do everything by the book. Court ordered maintenance, court ordered access, non-molestation order before you leave (you’ll need evidence for this). Don’t give him your address- make sure school don’t either (if school need an address for you give your parents). Change your phone number and email address if necessary and keep your old number just for him. The likelihood is that he’ll get access but if you’re worried you could ask for it to be supervised, and chances are he sounds like such a lazy dick he’ll probably get sick of it sooner rather than later. Document everything, keep harassing messages and don’t hesitate to call the police if you need to (harassment is a crime).

Been there. Honestly? Just leave and start again. Get some advice from womens aid, make a plan and leave.
It won't be easy, it'll be very hard and very scary but you'll be free to have a life.

Thank you for the replies.
It is necessary to get a good lawyer...what do they cost roughly? I have a couple of hundred I could spend on legal advice but not much more.
I have more money saved up but it's in a locked ISA.

Both our names are on the mortgage and house deeds.

If you sell then unless you have an agreement or otherwise, then it will be 50/50.

You can force a sale but it will take legal action.

I know selling the house is what must happen eventually, but as he won't agree to it this could take years. I know I'm entitled to it, but after 3.5 miserable years I've had enough, it's bricks and mortar. I don't think I can stay until he agrees to a sale. I was thinking about getting away in the more foreseeable future.

You don't need a solicitor yet.

You need to plan on how you are going to leave. Keep trying with Women's Aid and also contact Child Law Advice.

In regards to things like this:
"Court ordered maintenance, court ordered access, non-molestation order before you leave"

They aren't as easy to get as people say.

To get Court ordered maintenance your child's father needs to be a high earner otherwise you go through CMS. Then he can play games not to give you maintenance.

To get Court Ordered access as you haven't got proof of domestic violence both of you are expected to go to mediation first and keep it out of Court.

To get a non-molestation order (and an occupation order) you need evidence of domestic violence.

Him and MIL ringing social services saying I'm an unfit mother. MIL has done this before. The reason being, I once gave her water from a cup when she was a toddler that had a bit of black under the plastic rim that I couldn't see . MIL has form for being vindictive too.

That was a waste of social services time. If one or both of them keep reporting you, your local social services team will know the reports are malicious.

@Reugny How high? He is a relatively high earner.

I'd be happy to keep things out of court if at all possible, however I don't think he'd make anything easy.

Yes, I do need a plan for how I'm going to leave. This is what I'm thinking about.

@Reugny I'm glad you said that, it certainly seemed a waste of time to me.

This is how child maintenance is worked out - https://www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out

He needs to earn over £3,000 a week.

@Reugny He doesn't earn that much. What if he refused to pay? Worse case scenario is I'd be paying him maintenance.

OP also remember your child is in school. Social services can check with your child's school whether there are issues.

This is also another reason why you need to plan how you are going to leave and actually carry it out, as at some point your daughter will start talking about her parents relationship.

BTW You will need to get your name off the house even if you are going to walk away from it.

What if he refused to pay?

The CMS is useless and won't chase him. So plan your finances on not getting maintenance from him.

You will only have to pay maintenance if your child spends more time living with him. If you work PT and he works full-time that is extremely unlikely to happen.

@Reugny Really? I don't want to give up my half of the house, I just want to live away from him.
Can they totally take me off if I leave the house? I can't loose all that money.

Whilst I don't want to loose my money tied up in the house, it's something I'm prepared to do to be free. There comes a point when you have totally had enough. I am working on not getting a penny from him.

Womens aid can give a lot of advice, free, including ab 'escape plan'
Is there anyway you can move further away?
Would him having access to DD lead him to know where you are? If he was to show up, phone the police every single time.
The national Centre for domestic violence can arrange non molestation orders etc which prevents him contacting you, if he does he'd be arrested.

Actions speak louder than words. Let him say this to dd but you're showing her you do care.

Tell the school what's going on. Ask to take him and anyone linked to him off the list of people who can pick up. NCDV can advise orders to prevent this too.

I hate that SS are used as a weapon but they are and they know they are. Let them report and when SS call or visit they'll see nothing wrong. People should be prosecuted for wasting their time.

Let him talk. Anyone stupid enough to believe it don't deserve you in their life. If they say this to SS offer to do a drugs test and show prescription.

DD may be upset at first but she won't hate you for getting her away from an abusive monster. She may even surprise you and thrive when away from him.

As soon as you leave, inform tax credits. These are paid to the parent who has the child living with them. Claim through CMS if you need to.

If I was you I'd report his abuse to the police. It doesn't need to be physical to be domestic violence. Him refusing to leave the house can possibly be solved through an order too.
Honestly my first call would be NCDV and second women's aid.

I feel for you. Been there with the drug addicted, alcoholic shit stain on society who refused to leave my house. The MIL who one minute says 'he loooves you' then next 'why you doing this? How awful you're being' Nah, fuck that. Free of the dick head. Has no contact with son. And never will. Son is thriving without him and I've never been happier. No walking on egg shells, treat like a slave, name calling, violence... its fucking brilliant. I hope you get to realise that soon.

@Reugny You say domestic violence but actually there is strong evidence of domestic abuse here.

@reddwarfgeek look at rights of women website.

look at this wheel. The messages he giving the children are emotional abusive to them.

Ultimately you can claim benefits but you will need to declare interest in house and that you are taking steps to get your share of it. It can then be disregarded whilst you do that. If you want to stay in the house you’d need to get an order to exclude him. That would be hard without having actually reported the domestic abuse.

NCDV are good. However please don’t use Grand & Machyle Solicitors if they refer you to them. I’ve been left very unimpressed.

I would speak to your local police, make an appointment, tell them you are living in a domestic abuse coercive control situation with an alcoholic abuser and you need to get out with your daughter. Explain you are frightened and need their advice, help and support. Get the whole sorry story on record so if he starts trying to lie about you its already a matter of record. Ask them what to do if he threatens or attacks you. All of that means they know what is going on and if you have to call them they know to come quickly and what the situation is.

Once you have done that you will be in a better position to end it. Tell him calmly and clearly the relationship is over and the house needs to be sold. If he kicks off and you need to call the police, that's good. He will be removed and you can get a non molestation order, and ideally an occupation order. Also in a DV situation you can get legal aid. The only way to safely get away from abuser is to put it all in place first, get the authorities on your side and do it secretly.