To ask for your help and advice re: leaving a man who is abusive/plays dirty

[reddwarfgeek]

Hi all
Some people may recognise my username, I created a thread recently about my partner drinking, going to football all weekend, keeping me up with his drinking so I have to sleep in my daughters room. He does no housework, hasn't spoken to my family 3 years (I see his nearly every weekend), says I contribute nothing financially and I'm a bad mum and he doesn't like my parenting style (I work 4 days a week, sort house and all childcare ,most life admin). We argue daily, in front of DD too. He works, sleeps, plays on computer games and drinks.
Lockdown was hard on us, lots of shouting, I wanted to leave then. We did counselling recently, it wasn't great. I ended up crying and the counsellor looked in disbelieve at me regarding what he says to me. I truly believe it is too late for us.
We don't love each other anymore, and have said so. We are both miserable. I sleep on the sofa and have done for 5 months or so due to his snoring. I feel at the mercy of his moods and drinking, I feel like I basically facilitate his life, I barely see friends as he gives me grief if I go out. The only way I can live with him is if I do my best to ignore him. Talking to him doesn't work. Nothing I do is right, or good enough.

In lockdown he said he'll never leave the home. I stayed put, thinking I could stick it out until DD is adult, but I realise now I can't. DD 5 now, 13 years is a long time.
We are not married, the house is actually more mine. My parents tried to persuade me for a while to stay put (they have money, unprotected unfortunately, tied up in our house deposit) but they can see how unhappy I am and it that it sometimes seems unsafe, and have backed down a little.

I've been looking at rental properties nearby and have done a benefit calculator. Theoretically I could afford to support myself. However have so many worries and questions about leaving him. He can be very difficult, vindictive and is great at being charming and persuasive to others and twisting everything I say.
I'll bullet point a few concerns.

• I'd be scared of him finding out where I live and hurling abuse or knocking on my door especially when drunk, or letting down my tires and that kind of thing.
• He already says bad things to me in front of DD and I'm sure this would get worse. Ie. "All mummy cares about is work, she doesn't care about you" and I'm worried this would make DD not want to see me anymore
• I can imagine him picking her up from school before I get there on my days and running off with her so she is far away from me. I saw a thread about a man running off with the kids recently and could see this happening to me.
• Him and MIL ringing social services saying I'm an unfit mother. MIL has done this before. The reason being, I once gave her water from a cup when she was a toddler that had a bit of black under the plastic rim that I couldn't see . MIL has form for being vindictive too.
• Him telling everyone (including police and SS if it gets that far) that I'm a drug addict and I'm from a family of smackheads (he is referring to the fact that I'm on ADs long term and that my brother, who I rarely see and has no contact with DD, is a recovering addict).
• Worried about DD being very upset and hating me for it. I would never stop her seeing her dad or his family despite the above.
• He has said he'll never pay any child support, the child tax credits go to him currently. He'd do his best to screw me financially.

Lots more but you get the picture. I'm trying to save up some money, bide my time. I'm 38 now but by 40 I'd like to have left him.

How do I begin to get my things in order? What would you do if you were me?
Has anyone ever been in this situation?

Just to reiterate, he won't leave and changing the locks and stuff will not work with him. He won't take it lying down. I tried Womens Aid but couldn't get through. No solicitors near me offer a free half hour and I can't afford extra fees. I have no one who I can stay with, my parents won't take me or DD even for a night (believe me, I've asked) nor do I have any friends I can stay with.
I've seen people on here advise women to never leave the family home, but what if there is no other option?

Thanks x

Please don't tell him of your plans, he might turn nasty if he thinks you're going to get away. You need to get away without him knowing.

Best of luck.

OP you said you couldn't get through to women's aid, their phone lines are usually really busy but they have a live chat feature on their website that doesn't often have a long wait, they will talk it through with you and can then refer you to the local organisation who will support you through this.
Good luck.

Thanks everyone.

@CoffeeLover90 Thank you, I feel everything you've written

Could anyone advise me of a good sum of money to have of my own before leaving?

Remember the police, courts, social workers will be very familiar with you type of situation. These guys are all the same so they will have heard it all before so don't worry that they will believe him over you. As for being on AD that is a medical issue and absolutely nothing to do with drug taking. The judge or social worker could easily be on ADs themselves so don't worry about that either. You may not need them when you get away from this awful man and his family.
Take it a step at a time. Go to the police and get your story on file. They will be supportive and give you advice. Get a court order against him .
Also schools are familiar with the type of situation where a dangerous parent could abduct a child and will put procedures in place to prevent that happening.

Please don't think about that. Just leave at the first safe opportunity. Anything you save will be a marital asset and have to be halved anyway. If you gave to leave in just the clothes you are wearing do that.

15 years ago I left my sons dad, he was earning 10-15x what I was, working full time.

I had no savings, I was actually in debt, we weren’t married and the house and both cars were in his name. I left everything, even the car because I knew he’d say I’d stolen it. I took my sons things and just my personal possessions.

I went into a hostel with my son, the council placed me there. I did not have any evidence of abuse until after I left as I just ‘ got on with it’. Social services and the police did get involved afterwards due to ongoing issues and I got a non molestation order, a residence order and a caveat on my sons passport. His dad never went for access and never paid a penny in child support.

I am not sure if the council still do but back then they did a bond scheme where they would pay the private rental deposit for you. Within a few months I was in my own little home, had enrolled to return to university and my life was starting over. Since then I have completed undergraduate and postgraduate study, have managed to only work part time since, bought a house, a car, travelled etc.

It wasn’t easy and I’ll never live in a house as big as I did with my ex, never drive such a new and fancy car and have the same type of luxury entertainment/experiences BUT everything I have has been earned and my quality of life is so much better having choice and not walking on egg shells. My son is an absolute credit and I know that had I stayed with his dad that he’d have likely picked up on the abusive behaviour. I really do believe that leaving saved us.

Just leave, you say you can afford to rent somewhere, book some viewings, don’t waste another few years of your and your child’s life and have the exposure to the abuse when you don’t need to.

You’ll eventually get the money out of the house. If he is abusive after you leave it will be much easier to evidence and you’ll be able to get the necessary protection in place. Unless he’s self employed then he will have child support taken direct from his salary if he won’t pay willingly. You’re making a choice to stay, leave.

@Greensleevevssnotnose Is that true? We are not married

@Equalitea Wow, what an inspiring story. I'm so glad you are your son went on to have a happy life
Things you say apply to me ie. the car I drive is in his name and I was waiting to get a new one (in my name) before I go.
Agree about eventually getting the money out of the house.
You are so brave, and a credit to your son x

Best of luck with everything - as others have said he can make all the threats he wants about reporting you to social services, getting custody etc but they're empty threats, and he doesn't sound interested enough to want to parent his child.

He's abusing you and your daughter and you are so right to leave.