Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pressured into this pregnancy

34 replies

havingawobblymoment · 03/04/2023 21:21

I'm 39 and pregnant with my 4th. I'm already a Grandma and this pregnancy wasn't planned, I had the coil fitted.
Dh is delighted and can't wait for this baby, meanwhile I'm terrified, I will be 40 when baby arrives and since having my 3 I have kept fit and healthy, still fit size 6-8. Can I really ever get back in these jeans after another pregnancy, it took a lot.

Will I have the energy? Probably not.
Financially it will be a stretch but it's doable.
I have spoken to dh about how I feel and he shrugs it off saying we'll be fine.
He is strongly against abortions so wouldn't even entertain the idea that we wouldn't have this baby.
I have been reading about the complications and risks and frightening myself, I'll be 60 when baby is 20 and they'll be 23 years between my youngest and eldest.
I don't know what I'm looking for really, just some perspective on all this, especially with dh so happy and elated.
Dh is looking at baby names and I don't even know how I feel, I have very mixed feelings about everything.

OP posts:
JaneFondue · 03/04/2023 21:23

He doesnt get to decide what you do with your body. It's your choice.

Lcb123 · 03/04/2023 21:25

It’s your choice. But I really don’t think it’s that old - I know loads of woman who’ve had a baby at your age.

Hellzbellz25 · 03/04/2023 21:28

My mum was 39 when she had me, I'm 37 now and she's 78 this year and as mad as a box of frogs and is so close to my ten year old daughter, it's not ancient you can still have a fab life with this baby if it's what you want

JaneFondue · 03/04/2023 21:28

You have the right to say no to 40 years of endless parenting.

heldinadream · 03/04/2023 21:33

You do not have to continue with a pregnancy that you don't want OP. This is healthcare. He doesn't get to be against you having perfectly legal healthcare.
Please take care of yourself. 💐

MrsBunnyEars · 03/04/2023 21:33

Totally your choice.

I agree with PPs that 40 isn’t too old on itself. But that’s irrelevant if you don’t want a baby, for any reason at all.

Original poster
havingawobblymoment · 03/04/2023 21:36

I didn't mean to emphasise my age. I know lots of people have children at all different ages.
I suppose because I had my eldest at 17 and have spent 23 a parent, which I don't regret a minute of, I just didn't imagine doing it all again.

OP posts:
Greenolivetrees · 03/04/2023 21:37

How far along are you? Can you take the abortion pill and tell DH that you lost the pregnancy ( technically true)? Or are you still a bit undecided?

Original poster
havingawobblymoment · 03/04/2023 21:41

I'm only 7 weeks and 3 days so early days yet.

OP posts:
Rupiduti · 03/04/2023 21:48

Oh op it sounds so tricky. It's your body so your choice ultimately. I do not think it's that old though - it may feel it as you had your first when you were a teen so it has been a long time but really many people don't start having their first til mid 30s these days!

Whatever you do, don't lie to your husband saying you've lost the baby like a previous poster suggested. That's just a horrible thing to lie about and one that may cause bigger issues if truth comes out.

Original poster
havingawobblymoment · 03/04/2023 21:48

And yes I'm very undecided, I haven't thought about anything else since finding out but it's hard to know what to feel when dh wants this so much, he always wanted more but I said no and have been on the coil ever since so this is really his wish come true for him.
I want to be happy about it but I'm just not sure how I feel.

OP posts:
Mexicola · 03/04/2023 21:50

Take the abortion pills and feign a miscarriage. Madness to start all over again with that massive age gap. You’ve got your life back don’t ruin it now.

Happygolucky49 · 03/04/2023 21:51

I imagine it's all come as a shock so you need some time to process this.
It's do able from what you've said if that's what you decide to do

Complications can happen at any age so yes although it increases as you get older it's not guaranteed.

There's 23 years between my oldest and youngest aunt and their mum was 43 when she had youngest. They had very different upbringings but are just as close with their mum as each other.

You've got this, whatever you decide

Confusion101 · 03/04/2023 21:52

I think you need to figure out how you yourself feel first, as you say you are unsure. Forget about anybody else's feelings for a few minutes and figure out what way you feel! Until you get that sorted in your head you can't really do anything tbh.

I honestly think the people telling you to feign a miscarriage are disgusting!! What an awful thing to lie about. And a lie you would have to carry for the rest of your life!!

JaneFondue · 03/04/2023 21:57

I wouldn't advise lying to your husband but it's quite plain that you don't want to return to the baby days, and why would you? All the anecdotes about babies 23 years apart wont help you if you don't want to be changing nappies and doing the school run again.

I can't think of anything worse than being forced to have a baby I didn't want because contraceptioj failed and my husband was keen on another.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/04/2023 22:09

He is strongly against abortions so wouldn't even entertain the idea that we wouldn't have this baby.

Maybe when he can gestate & birth a child he gets a say on having a 4th with you.

It's hard to believe you will go along with his wishes when it is your body, your choice. I bet he expects you to do the majority of the childraising too.

MrsDoylesDoily · 03/04/2023 22:11

He is strongly against abortions so wouldn't even entertain the idea that we wouldn't have this baby.

Well he might have to 'entertain' it as the choice is ultimately yours.

SalmonEile · 03/04/2023 22:11

How old are your other children?

DeerWatch · 03/04/2023 22:15

I had my daughter when I was 40, she is now 19 and there is a 20 year age gap between her and her brother.
Difference is she was a planned pregnancy, you were using contraception so you are quite right to feel it is not for you.
It is your body and your husband should not be pressurising you.

OodlesPoodle · 03/04/2023 22:25

How involved was DH involved in the house work and child rearing of your other kids? Unless he's planning on doing most of the child care and freeing you up to do your hobbies and live the next phase of your life - id ignore his opinion. Does he see you as an individual/a human being or just a mother/wife? In fact does he even know who you are, what your hobbies, hopes, dreams are - do you?

You don't have to spend your entire life from a teenager till old age raising children..... you haven't really experienced any of life doing what YOU want, revolving it around YOURSELF. How about starting now? It's 2023, don't allow a man to steal your your life just because you're too afraid to take a stand, you will regret not doing more for yourself.

AspiringMermaid · 03/04/2023 22:40

I think you know your answer op, you have been through it all before and it doesn't appeal to you to start over. Do you think you'd regret an abortion? Or five years from now on holiday in the sun with a mimosa feel relieved?

Also I really hope your husband has offered to do the lionshare of childcare if he feels so strongly about it

ConstanceOcean · 03/04/2023 22:44

Forget about your DH for now and just focus on yourself and what you want.

In the kindest way he can leave at anytime and you’ll have to take care of a newborn that you didn’t really want.

If you are certain that you do not want a baby then I’d book a termination and tell him you had a miscarriage which are pretty common at your age.

whumpthereitis · 03/04/2023 22:47

It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks feigning a miscarriage is disgusting, if that’s what you feel you need to do then do it. You wouldn’t be the first nor the last.

he can be against abortion all he likes, but the decision has to be yours. You do not have to have a baby you don’t want.

Original poster
havingawobblymoment · 03/04/2023 22:54

I have really enjoyed bringing the children up, yes it has been my whole adult life but never a chore.
He's quite hands on when it comes to the housework but the child care usually comes down to me.
I think if I did have an abortion I'd probably feel very guilty and part of me feels this is my last chance.
On the other hand I do dread going through the pregnancy in terms of weight gain, labour recovery, health. I know I'm comfortable with my body again after years of hard work and selfishly I don't want to spoil that.

OP posts:
Flidina · 03/04/2023 22:56

I had my son at 40, not planned, total surprise, after having 4 previously and a 15 year age gap. He is now 17, and I can honestly say I'm so glad I had him, even chose to have another... my daughter when I was 43. I found it a lot easier the second time round, as I had more patience, and was financially more stable. However, I realise that it isn't for everyone, and I never felt pressured to keep the pregnancy, my partner and I discussed it, but we agreed ultimately it was my body, so my choice and he would support me either way. It's a personal decision and I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.