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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That he's not apologised?

49 replies

wuell · 03/04/2023 16:14

NC'd as the details could be outing.

DP and I have two properties but are soon moving into one. We spend mon-fri at one (which was originally mine) and the weekend at another (which was originally his). We've been together for nearly 3 years. This morning, I tried to unplug a charger that I use regularly but in fairness, have never unplugged before and I didn't realise (nor had DP ever told me) that it was precariously placed in that socket and to remove it would break it. DP went mental when he saw that I'd taken it out and -this is the part that really bothered me- shouted that I had no right to touch it and that it isn't mine. Everything I have, I share with DP and to get so precious over this is just madness to me (we have other chargers for the same device). I went and had a cry privately and have not had an apology since then, he's spoken generally but barely about other things, but DP has just informed me that he isn't coming to something we have planned tonight with someone else (and it's too late to cancel totally as they're already en route) so I'm now having to go on my own. AIBU for being annoyed at the lack of apology?

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 03/04/2023 16:16

Is it a one off or is he like this often?

FullBloom · 03/04/2023 16:16

How awful- frankly, even if you were just visiting he shouldn't lose his rag over you unplugging a charger. Is he like this often?

KettrickenSmiled · 03/04/2023 16:19

We spend mon-fri at one (which was originally mine) and the weekend at another (which was originally his).

Yeah, what's yours is his, & what's his is his too.
I take it you still fully own your original property? Certainly hope so, as you need options while you consider the implications of his outburst, & whether that's something you want to tolerate cohabiting with.

Original poster
wuell · 03/04/2023 16:24

@KettrickenSmiled nope, sold it so in the process of getting all of that organised.

OP posts:
Instructionmanual · 03/04/2023 16:32

Don't go ahead with buying a property with this man. He's luckily showing you who he is.

Always4Brenner · 03/04/2023 16:34

new home for you now and run, yes it’s only a charger but what’s next your head if he’s this angry about such a tiny thing. He can get a new one from Amazon for very little.

Original poster
wuell · 03/04/2023 16:35

It's all a bit late for that. Everything is signed, I can't back out of my house sale now etc. Not that I want to, it's just his behaviour took me by surprise this morning.

OP posts:
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 03/04/2023 16:35

Buy him a new charger as a Splitting Up Gift.
Or shove it up his nose.
Would it be fair to say he will be financially better off after the new house comes into effect? Because he certainly isn't with you for the hearts and flowers...

Ktime · 03/04/2023 16:36

Don’t buy a property with him.

Instead of apologising about losing it and shouting at you, he’s given you the silent treatment and punished you by cancelling plans for tonight.

He has shown you who he is, ignore this at your peril.

Sparkletastic · 03/04/2023 16:39

If you haven't completed on your house sale I'd call it off. Breakdown of relationship would be good reason to back out. His mask has slipped.

Rubygrapefruitwithchilli · 03/04/2023 16:41

Well for a start yes he should be apologising. Shouting is unacceptable in virtually every situation no matter what the other circumstances are. So YANBU.

It sounds like a really trivial thing to be annoyed about too. Also strange possessiveness.

If he’s not coming out tonight bc of the row you have just had then that’s extremely immature and I’d be very cross about that.

Other than that it’s difficult to know what to say because it depends whether he has a tendency to be cross and tetchy the rest of the time? Was this a one off? What is the rest of your relationship like etc? Is he in the middle of a stressful deadline (not that that would justify shouting)?

It’s interesting to me that you need to ask about this? It would be a definite red flag for me.

Three years is a time when the “honeymoon period” of a relationship is over and you need to decide whether to go forward or not. What is your instinct op?

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/04/2023 16:43

I have a bad feeling about this op. He is showing you who he is.. watch this isn’t a slippery slope.

Rubygrapefruitwithchilli · 03/04/2023 16:44

It may be signed op but it doesn’t mean that you can’t put it straight back on the market. Get some legal advice. You don’t have to move back in with him.

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2023 16:48

So he was a total twat.

He hasnt apologised. Has cancelled at short notice and is being cool with you?

Have you completed on the sale of your property? Because this doesn't look good. Not just the shouting. But what has happened since.

momtoboys · 03/04/2023 16:49

It seems like maybe he waited until you were fully financially committed to show his true colors. I hope this is just an isolated incident.

Finalstar · 03/04/2023 16:49

Nothing is final apart from death and taxes!

It might be signed but if you haven't completed then nothing is guaranteed - it just means there might be a financial penalty.

You need to talk to him. If he doesn't see the issue then that is a massive red flag, because it's not uncommon for nasty abusive men's true colours to pop out when they think you are cornered with no alternative.

Do not feel like you have no way out - you could proceed with your own sale and then buy a new place of your own without him.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 03/04/2023 16:52

When questioned about his no show please tell them the facts..
This doesn't bode well op.
When I moved in with first dh I had been renting. I took with me all white goods to a flat he purchased alone. The washing machine leaked into the flat downstairs.. Dh went absolutely batshit that MY washer had done that. I had to organise repair and pay costs. He raged for ages. It def didn't get better.

name985 · 03/04/2023 16:59

I would rent somewhere rather than move in immediately. It might be a one off and caused by stress etc. However, this could be the start of abusive behaviour and you don't want to end up trapped living together.

olympicsrock · 03/04/2023 17:03

Surely there is something else going on?

HisNibs · 03/04/2023 17:04

When someone shows you who they really are... believe them

barbrahunter · 03/04/2023 17:05

Another who really doesn't like the sound of this behaviour. I second renting alone for a while...

Ponoka7 · 03/04/2023 17:08

I agree that he thinks he has got you were he wants you, so is showing his true colours. You need to have this out with him tomorrow.

PousseyNotMoira · 03/04/2023 17:26

What, if anything, have you said to him about this behaviour? As that’s not in the post. He’s being horrible to you. Was your sole reaction the private cry, or did you voice your displeasure?

And do you generally voice your displeasure if/when he is horrible?

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 03/04/2023 17:29

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/04/2023 16:43

I have a bad feeling about this op. He is showing you who he is.. watch this isn’t a slippery slope.

Word for word what I was going to post.

chevvyroo · 03/04/2023 17:38

You need to come back very strong and very clear to him on this without delay or he is going to walk all over you in future.

Look him in the eye and challenge him:

A) is he seriously losing his rag and screaming about a poxy phone charger?

B) is he now acting like a fucking sulky toddler and cancelling an event because of this?

Because in both cases you won't tolerate this shit.

He will likely back down and say you're imagining it or he will pull another stunt to put the blame on you. Don't take it.

Have you backed down on a childish strip of his before?