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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he had his me-time yesterday?

60 replies

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 02/04/2023 19:10

I'm on mat leave with a 7 week old. Elder child is in reception. DH works FT (out of the house 7.30 to 6) and usually has to work on Sunday afternoon.

Last night DH he went out with friends - first time since baby, I was v happy about him doing that. He said in return I could have all the time I wanted today, since he didn't have to work. So I spent 2.5 hours this afternoon doing some CPD that was due, while he watched a film with Reception child and baby slept on him. Basically first time I'd not been in charge of at least one of them. Again, v happy with this.

BUT when I came back in he told me it was his turn for "me-time" and buggered off to play computer games. AIBU to think he had his me-time yesterday?

(He does do lots, I'm very lucky, but his need to have daily time totally on his own and doing something he enjoys [I do occasionally get time on my own and spend it sorting clothes or cleaning the bathroom] is pissing me off today!)

OP posts:
Sobloodysoreandfedup · 03/04/2023 02:47

YABU just for this comment He does do lots, I'm very lucky - why are you lucky? The bar is f ing low for men.

Apart from that no YANBU and he is being a twat

REignbow · 03/04/2023 03:40

Sorry but you need to give yourself a shake.

Your me time was completing CPD.

You need to seriously leave him with both DC more often. He was unable to cope with being touched out and the demands of children for only a few hours…🙄

Tell him it wasn’t what he’d promised and that you are not the default parent!

Disco2023 · 03/04/2023 03:46

Why do CPD when you are still very early on maternity leave. You could have had a nice bath, gone for a walk, met a friend for a chat…. anything.

But yeah you are right you having two hours of alone time isn’t fair when he had some Saturday and then takes what seems to be the rest of Sunday too.

snitzelvoncrumb · 03/04/2023 03:56

It’s never fair. Sometimes you have to be creative to get time to yourself.
You can’t be home. Go somewhere, or you will get a baby passed back for a second then he will disappear.
Do your shopping on a Sunday, order click and collect. You can escape for a couple of hours grab shop on way home.
Another tip is take time to yourself if you can while kids are watching tv or asleep when dh isn’t home. Save chores for when dh is home, so he can watch the kids while you clean. If he constantly finds reasons to hand kids back stop the chores. Once he realises he isn’t getting his ironing done, or dinner made he might suddenly be available to look after the kids.
Never ask for time to yourself, because then he will expect the same. You just need to be creative.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/04/2023 04:26

So you spend your 'me time' working, cleaning the bathroom and sorting laundry while he gets to see friends, watch TV and play computer games?

The children and housework are not your hobby or sole responsibility. You are not 'very lucky' because he has his children present when he's watching TV and they're either asleep or entertained by screens.

Remind him that you've still not had any time to yourself that you can use to watch TV, read a book, see friends or anything else you want to and he has had loads.

user1492757084 · 03/04/2023 04:27

He's become stressed by children and realised what you do.
Just keep supporting each other to have 'me time' when ever you both need it.
It's best for the children when parents give each other breaks when they reach breaking point.

emptythelitterbox · 03/04/2023 04:32

Not that you should have to, as it's just more mental load on you, I'd tally up the number of truly me time you each get each week.

Me time that isn't multitasking some other chore.

Men always seem to manage avoiding the lion's share of anything while getting a lot of "me time"

You mention he does "loads" I'm not sure how that is possible when he is out of the house, 7.30 to 6 every weekday and working half day on Sunday.

I'm curious what type of work he does?

Cuppa2sugars · 03/04/2023 04:52

He sounds like my ex. “It’s my turn” “it’s your turn”. Get yourself a real man or don’t bother with one.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2023 05:32

Did he want to have kids? He’s acting like they’re just another chore to do

ComeOnNumber100 · 03/04/2023 06:29

I can’t believe how many grown adults play tit-for-tat parenting. I had Monday off so you can get Tuesday.. If we were both at home we both looked after our children. Neither of us handed a child over and walked off. Same with early starts, I guess we had the theory when they were small (2yr, 2mo age gap) that misery likes company. Shared the joy and the pain.

shutthewindownow · 03/04/2023 06:48

Can't you parent your kids together. I find it odd when people have kids then Argue all the time over who gets away from theM more. You are a family do things together

shutthewindownow · 03/04/2023 06:50

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2023 05:32

Did he want to have kids? He’s acting like they’re just another chore to do

Both of theM are

thegrain · 03/04/2023 06:51

ComeOnNumber100 · 03/04/2023 06:29

I can’t believe how many grown adults play tit-for-tat parenting. I had Monday off so you can get Tuesday.. If we were both at home we both looked after our children. Neither of us handed a child over and walked off. Same with early starts, I guess we had the theory when they were small (2yr, 2mo age gap) that misery likes company. Shared the joy and the pain.

It sounds like mum never gets any down time though and this is the only way she can get it

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 06:52

ComeOnNumber100 · 03/04/2023 06:29

I can’t believe how many grown adults play tit-for-tat parenting. I had Monday off so you can get Tuesday.. If we were both at home we both looked after our children. Neither of us handed a child over and walked off. Same with early starts, I guess we had the theory when they were small (2yr, 2mo age gap) that misery likes company. Shared the joy and the pain.

You're lucky you don't understand where OP is coming from. I assume she does almost everything with little 'help' from her partner and when you're at your limit it doesn't take much to break. It's hard to share the joy if only one of you gets the pain

pleasehelpwi3 · 03/04/2023 06:53

Why are you (job) working on maternity leave?

Sierra26 · 03/04/2023 07:08

It’s a Saturday and rather than spend more time with his kids or with you and them as a family unit he is playing computer games? On his own? That’s really sad. Even if he was doing a solo task like fixing his bike in the garden, or nipping to the shops, he could invoke and entertain your older child. You need to have a serious talk with him about what family time means at the weekend - it’s not just about babysitting /keeping them alive, but quality time.

the volume of men who do this reported on here is mind blowing, it’s so unnattractive

Sierra26 · 03/04/2023 07:09

*it was a Sunday

same argument tho

KTSl1964 · 03/04/2023 07:09

Hopefully you have learnt your lesson now - you need to go out and meet a friend for an after noon/day to get a break.

Lucyclara · 03/04/2023 07:17

What's "me time"?
I wish I knew.

Srin · 03/04/2023 07:20

Rather then negotiate ‘me-time’ as if he is doing you a favour, why don’t you just go and have a bath or go out for a walk/ run or whatever you like doing?

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 03/04/2023 07:29

When do you have family time? Take kids to do something altogether so that one of you can actually do stuff with the older one?

In my 10 yrs+ on MN so many women (myself included pre-exh becoming an ex) watch on as man's life continues virtually unchanged in terms of work/social life as women become martyrs to everyone else's needs and then go back to work and the routine is ingrained.

Yanbu to want child-free time or to think that his out of the house time is his childfree time but it's not necessarily a race to the bottom in terms of competitive lack of sleep your turn my turn either. You need to be a team to best suit needs of whole family.

Noicant · 03/04/2023 07:39

We only have one but when she’s awake on weekends we are pretty much both pitching in (she doesn’t do independent play so it can be really draining).If one of us was a gamer that would be done when she’s sleeping. CPD is work. If you both need “me” time then it’s split fairly.

My DH works quite a stressful job but makes sure he’s home for dinner and bath & bedtime 95% of the time (he doesn’t cook because he isn’t physically present to do it but we both do bathtime and he does bedtime). On weekends his priority is to spend time with DD.

This does mean he has to work after DD is in bed but thats how he prioritises his life.

Thats what normal dadding looks like. I am happy he pitches in without a fight but no I wouldn’t feel grateful that he is doing his part as a parent, he has an obligation to DD to do that, she’s not just my child she’s his.

You need to stop being grateful for what he does bother doing and have a good hard look at what you are doing and then make sure you even it up. Swap it around, would you feel ok with behaving like he does. Would you hold the baby for an hour and then bugger off for a few hours to play computer games? Would you be so unbothered about dumping the load on him?

Holly60 · 03/04/2023 07:50

What a weird thing to say! Why is gaming any less worthy than any other hobby? Is it all games you have a problem with, or just the digital versions?

@WishingMyLifeAway I think it's the element of make believe and pretend. People who game as a 'hobby' are pretending to do something rather than going out and actually doing it. It would be like saying WATCHING football is a hobby or activity. No, it's a pastime.

I would find it a turn off too, it's pretend play, basically, so a bit childish. Hobbies where you go and actually do something real are much more interesting and admirable.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2023 08:10

I would find it a turn off too, it's pretend play, basically, so a bit childish. Hobbies where you go and actually do something real are much more interesting and admirable.

In your opinion. I think people should do what makes them happy in their spare time, not what makes them 'admirable'.

No hobby, whether it is cycling, gaming, golf or watching football should get in the way of doing your share of parenting though.

burnoutbabe · 03/04/2023 08:12

Pattypop · 02/04/2023 20:04

I can’t believe how many grown adults play computer games. It would be a massive turn off for me.

One of the most popular pastimes in the uk -biggest gaming section being women over. 50! (Mostly playing casual games to be fair)

I am sure we all think reading and posting for hours on mumsnet is a great use of free time!

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