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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What else can I do apart from grit my teeth and bare it?

38 replies

userfred · 02/04/2023 11:06

Dc supposed to go to their dads for a week in Easter - he lives 130 miles away. He's now changed the night they were supposed to go saying they will have to come the following day as he has his mates wedding coming up and he needs to go to a suit shop. This doesn't work for me - I have plans the following day.

They go to his eow. However 2 weekends ago he just came to see them on the Sunday 10.30 - 3.30 because he had to work late on the Friday and couldn't collect them. This is quite a regular thing.

February half term he told me the kids needed to come back a day early because he had a gp appointment. I realised after that it was actually because the Super Bowl was on in middle of the night and he wanted to watch it.

He fits the dc into his life and works them around that.
I also cannot make any concrete plans.

The only thing I can think to do to make this easier for us is to just say he should come for one day every other weekend and take them out. That way we will always know where we stand. Aibu?

OP posts:
amiold · 02/04/2023 11:11

Tell him to take them on his allocated days or they will be unavailable as your plans cannot accommodate these changes. Apply to cms for the actual amount because he clearly isn't having them as he should.

Original poster
userfred · 02/04/2023 11:12

amiold · 02/04/2023 11:11

Tell him to take them on his allocated days or they will be unavailable as your plans cannot accommodate these changes. Apply to cms for the actual amount because he clearly isn't having them as he should.

I'm so worried about the cms though. His partner had 4 kids and they will take that into account so I could end up being worse off for it. He does pay for them and it's an ok amount

OP posts:
amiold · 02/04/2023 12:39

Have a look on the calculator. You can add 4 kids as living with him to give you a figure.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 02/04/2023 12:40

Will they take them into account they aren't his kids? They have their own father to pay for them.

Can you get court ordered access times?

Tell him he has to arrange childcare if he's got shit to do and be out when he wants to collect drop off outside of these times.

Newusernameaug · 02/04/2023 12:42

I’d repeat that it doesn’t work for you, they’re his days and if he can’t have them he needs to sort out childcare as you are unavailable.
id repeat that ‘I will be dropping them off at x time on x day’ or they will be waiting to be picked up at x time etc

Original poster
userfred · 02/04/2023 13:04

Newusernameaug · 02/04/2023 12:42

I’d repeat that it doesn’t work for you, they’re his days and if he can’t have them he needs to sort out childcare as you are unavailable.
id repeat that ‘I will be dropping them off at x time on x day’ or they will be waiting to be picked up at x time etc

The problem is the distance. I used to meet him half way he kept messing me about and then I refused to do it anymore so now he does the whole journey. I can't force him to come and get them.

I did however offer to meet him on the night they are supposed to go as it would be late and it's better for the kids. He honestly walks all over me.

Also, when the kids go up to him, they actually stay half the time with their grandparents. He doesn't stay with them, he goes to his house. I wonder if this would count as nights with cms

OP posts:
Original poster
userfred · 02/04/2023 13:05

amiold · 02/04/2023 12:39

Have a look on the calculator. You can add 4 kids as living with him to give you a figure.

Thank you. I have no idea how to work out his earnings thoughts. He's a self employed courier driver

OP posts:
amiold · 03/04/2023 08:52

Yes will count as nights as it's classes as his care. I'd guess he gives you less than he has to but only one way to find out but as you say you could be worse off

MzHz · 03/04/2023 08:55

Why not offer to drop them to his parents?

linewithoutahook · 03/04/2023 08:58

Your poor children 😭

How old are they? Do they want to go?

Original poster
userfred · 03/04/2023 09:31

MzHz · 03/04/2023 08:55

Why not offer to drop them to his parents?

Its 130 miles away. It would cost me so much in fuel and I have a younger child that (not my ex's) that I would have to drag along with me. I could possibly ask them to meet me half way. I don't have anything against them. I'm really grateful to them for everything they do for the kids. But I barely speak to them, I have no idea what they think of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
userfred · 03/04/2023 09:32

linewithoutahook · 03/04/2023 08:58

Your poor children 😭

How old are they? Do they want to go?

13 and 11. We won't up when they were 4 and 2. It's been like this for years. I'm waiting for the day that they don't want to go but it doesn't seem to be happening

OP posts:
Original poster
userfred · 03/04/2023 09:32

Broke up not woke up

OP posts:
adoptionthread1 · 03/04/2023 09:35

For the calculator you could play around by putting in lots of guesses at his pay?

But the OP was about contact not money.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/04/2023 09:38

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it. You can't force him to have the kids or to stick to arrangements. All you can do is have them available on the day they are supposed to be collected. If he changes his mind, you don't have to change your arrangements to accommodate him.

It's totally infuriating. (And yes, I've been there.)

Annoyingwurringnoise · 03/04/2023 09:43

This is a really shitty situation because none of the choices you have a good. You either suck it up, take him to court for concrete access times or tell him if he’s going to mess you about he can’t have the kids and he’ll have to take you to court.

i’m sorry OP, he’s an absolute Twatt, and a bad father.

Eleganz · 03/04/2023 09:47

The only thing you can do in this instance is say "sorry I have plans now and I can't accommodate your last minute changes" and keep doing that until he gets the message that he can't mess you and his children around because he wants go shopping/watch the Superbowl or whatever.

Accommodating him enabled this behaviour so stop it. You don't drop your kids off at his because you have medical appointments do you? When they are with him it is his job to sort out suitable care if he has a medical appointment - that suitable care is not you 130 miles away.

adoptionthread1 · 03/04/2023 09:53

Hmm re this holiday - could you suggest they go to his parents for that first day, if they go there anyway? Or is it the journey he can't do?

Freddiefox · 03/04/2023 09:59

Honestly there is nothing you can do. I am in exactly the same position. I don’t allow him to have them extra just on his allocated days but if he doesn’t come and get them on his days and on time there really is nothing I can do.

no amount of moaning or conversations will change that. He also lives a few hours away, but if just wouldn’t be there if I took them up. so I don’t as it’s a waste of time.
He’s an arse.

GeneHuntsCowboyBoots · 03/04/2023 09:59

I had this when my ex messed us about though not the distance as we were only in the next town.

He never had our DS very often anyway but would often cancel last minute or change things and as you say, it leaves you feeling like you have no control.

In the end I told him I was going to live my life as if he wasn’t in it at all. So if I wanted to go out anywhere, I’d arrange childcare elsewhere and if he wanted to see his son, he could do all the arranging. Like if my son went to my mum’s, and his father wanted to see him, my mum didn’t change plans for him either if that makes sense? She would just say “this is when we’re in, if you come for him, you come then, if you don’t then tough”. She was always pleasant though, I should add. That makes her sound harsh but she wasn’t.

I appreciate that’s not always easy though, especially if you don’t have other support. And I understand not wanting to rock the boat with maintenance. It’s just an idea you could consider. Especially if you’re able to check out how much you’d get on the CMS calculator.

Dibbydoos · 03/04/2023 10:02

You need an adult conversation, if necessary in a safe environment, will SS help at all or a court mediator?

He is taking the piss, you are correct. Its the DCs that are suffering more than anyone though, 130miles to see your dad for 1 day and then be with your GPs is pretty chappy and speaks volumes yo them about their dad. And he's only paying for them cos he has too.

Freddiefox · 03/04/2023 10:03

Dc supposed to go to their dads for a week in Easter - he lives 130 miles away. He's now changed the night they were supposed to go saying they will have to come the following day as he has his mates wedding coming up and he needs to go to a suit shop. This doesn't work for me - I have plans the following day.

All you can do is arrange for the children to go to friends or get a baby sitter. Your hands are tied, because ultimately you care and love
your children more than him.

2bazookas · 03/04/2023 10:22

Tell him the arrangement stands, and he will have to take HIS children with HIM to the suit shop.

whatchaos · 03/04/2023 10:31

`that's a pathetic excuse - surely the kids can go to the suit shop too - how long is it going to take? Tell him he can bring them with him

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/04/2023 10:36

How can an 11 and 13 year old not go to a suit shop? Not like toddlers who would be running around.