What else can I do apart from grit my teeth and bare it?

[userfred]

Dc supposed to go to their dads for a week in Easter - he lives 130 miles away. He's now changed the night they were supposed to go saying they will have to come the following day as he has his mates wedding coming up and he needs to go to a suit shop. This doesn't work for me - I have plans the following day.

They go to his eow. However 2 weekends ago he just came to see them on the Sunday 10.30 - 3.30 because he had to work late on the Friday and couldn't collect them. This is quite a regular thing.

February half term he told me the kids needed to come back a day early because he had a gp appointment. I realised after that it was actually because the Super Bowl was on in middle of the night and he wanted to watch it.

He fits the dc into his life and works them around that.
I also cannot make any concrete plans.

The only thing I can think to do to make this easier for us is to just say he should come for one day every other weekend and take them out. That way we will always know where we stand. Aibu?

It's because he lives so far away. I already agreed to meet him half way anyway but because of his job, he can't leave work early. He's a courier driver. Work comes first. He can never have days off or take holidays.

In the run up to Xmas he only comes to see them every other Sunday because he has to work. Work comes first.

Sometimes he doesn't come ti collect them until 8.30pm and the kids don't get back until 11pm.

He refuses to change his job so the kids have ti fit around that.

I text him yesterday to ask what's happening but now he will just completely ignore me so I have absolutely no idea what's going on or where I stand.

To add to this. DS is autistic. He goes to an specialist school, has no real friends. Life is not normal for him. He doesn't even have his dad.
My heart constantly breaks for my dcs. It really does yet they worship the ground he walks on

I've thought about going to court many times. Can anyone give me any advice?

The thing is - I don't want to force my children to go. I'm waiting for the day they don't want to go anymore. Life would be much easier. They are 11 and 13. My dd starts secondary in September and once she's at that age where she wants to go shopping with her friends, I'd hope that she would be able to go and not have a court order in place saying she has to go to her dads instead

Yeah I think mediation would be the next step. I've had enough now, I'm hopeful we're near the end of the kids even wanting to go at all but we can't carry on like this.

What, 8.30-1130 in one evening?

For 11 and 13 year olds........

Or have I misunderstood?

He collects them from me at 8.30pm and they don't get back to their fathers house until 11.30pm

OP, it’s really difficult. I am in a similar position. ExH continually changing when he is supposed to see the dc. He is, counting the Easter holidays where he just cancelled seeing the dc at all, now 7 days down on seeing them so far this year, and we’re only a quarter of the way through the year!

there is nothing that can be done. Build up good reliable childcare links for you, so that you do have options if he cancels last minute. I charge my exH for any childcare he makes me use due to changing plans, as it isn’t a cost I would have had otherwise. I am getting to the point where I am considering charging him for childcare for the days where he should have the dc, but doesn’t.

you can’t force him to see the dc. They may decide to stop seeing him, and will certainly know that you are the reliable parent. All mine (I have 3) have periods where they stop seeing him. Dc1 sees him about 2/3 of the time they is supposed to, dc2 doesn’t see him at all, and dc3 probably about 3/4 of the time. Dc3 is 11 now, and openly says that they can’t rely on dad - if they need to be ready for a school trip, or any big day, then they come back to mine if they are at their dad’s, so that the year can be ready on time, get a good nights sleep, etc. dc1 (ASD and learning difficulties) refuses to go on big days out (theme parks, or theatre trips) with their dad unless I come along too, as exH won’t stick to routines, or ignores needs, or just can’t get organised.

its rubbish that your dc and mine have to put up with this, but we can’t change their fathers, or make them be reasonable. We can o lot help out dc get through it as best we can.

I text him yesterday to ask what's happening but now he will just completely ignore me so I have absolutely no idea what's going on or where I stand.

just carry on with your life… if your home when he comes great, if not, tough shit on him. Your children are the similar ages as mine, they are starting to say they don’t want to go… ex is quite upset! He still doesn’t get that he is the problem.

So I've had a reply finally.

He moaned about putting my maintenance up and giving me and extra £40 a month from when I was struggling. This was 8 years ago. He reminded me that I should be getting £40 less.

He moaned about the cost of fuel and what it costs to collect them. He moved 130 miles away from the kids.

He also said his mental health isn't good and he hates being away from the kids. He hasn't seen them for 8 days and not picked up the phone to ask how they are since.

Have you done the CMS calculator to see if you’d be worse off?

I’d honestly go to the very minimum communicating with him now and do what I said. You’ve already done enough to accommodate him over the years. You don’t have to be nasty, just tell him you’re living your life on your terms. If he wants to have your kids he arranges it around you and them, not the other way round. If he says he’s coming then tell him you’ll be available at xx:xx time but after that you’ll be busy.

If he’s that bothered about a relationship with his kids, he’ll make the effort.

OK.

I wouldn't let him pick them up that late with that resulting time home, not going to bed til gone midnight. Unless it was a special one-off.

Go to mediation, you can discuss with the mediator the likelihood he'll try to coerce you and how that might play out. They'll advise whether it might be worth trying.

This is infuriating.

Having appointments is no excuse to not see his children on the agreed dates.

What the hell does he thing you do and the rest of us single mothers?

We take our kids with us and give them a hot chocolate as a treat for being so patient. They are 11 and 13 - they can wait while he tries on a blasted suit and wait in the doctors waiting room while he has his precious appointment. They are not babies.

tell him he need to do the 260 mile round trip to look after them for an hour the next time you have a gp appointment.

This kind of thing makes me so mad.
TWAT.

Thank you. I have contacted a mediator. For me it's free. For him it's £105 an hour. So let's see how that goes

I've honestly put up with it for years. He did used to be a bit better but as the dcs have got older it's just got worse and worse. I think the fact I got married changed things.

The kids have always been a burden in his life. He's incredibly selfish and the kids have to be able to fit around his life and not vice versa. It makes me so sad, especially for my son with autism.

I don't know what I expected to be honest. He cheated on me while I was pregnant and lied about it for years after. Continuously messaged other women and registered himself on sex websites and was addicted to porn. The biggest compulsive liar I've ever known. He was never going to be dad of the year but I have fought as hard as I could for the dcs to have a good relationship with him. I've just had enough now