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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely trapped in this marriage

55 replies

lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 10:12

Desperately need some advice about my marriage. Will try not to make this too long but obviously it's always complicated in real life.

My husband moved from another country to be with me just over 12 years ago. His suggestion - his choice. We then got married 2 years later and now have 2 young children. In theory we could move back to his country any time (English speaking, I could probably work there) but haven't so far due to worrying about breaking my Mum's heart (her only other grandchildren actually also live in my husband's home country by coincidence) and that he doesn't really get on with his family so doesn't have that pull.

Since living in the UK my husband has moved from career to career. He feels he has been treated very badly employment wise in this country. He is EXTREMELY bitter about this and doesn't see any part of it all as his own fault. He has indeed been treated badly but also he has made some mistakes. Pointing this out to him would result in an explosion of rage beyond belief - it's just not worth it. I now realise that he almost certainly has undiagnosed neurodiversity and is on a waiting list for ADHD assessment but I think he's autistic as well. He can't see this. it took me long enough to persuade him to go for the ADHD assessment.

He's currently studying for a vocational masters degree - it was supposed to be 2 years part time but due to his missing deadlines it's now looking to be at least 3.5 years in total and possibly 4. I work full time. Would love to drop at least a day to be more present with children but obviously can't financially. He does all drop offs, pick ups, feeding kids and slowly starting to do more around the house eg laundry but I still have 80% of the mental load and spend every Saturday tidying the house from a week of mess.

ALL of this I could put up with - if we were happy. But we're not. He has long standing resentment towards me due to the way things have gone for him here in the UK. He thinks we should have moved back to his home country years ago - although he never actually suggested it. Apparently I was supposed to have guessed that he felt that way due to him constantly complaining about how his initial profession (teaching) had so much more earning potential in his home country. He now feels that he moved to the UK under 'false pretences' as I never really loved him and just stayed with him because it was easy. It's true that I was slower to get invested in the relationship at first but by the time he moved here and we got married I was madly in love and very happy.

He was having these doubts even back then but I didn't know - I just thought he was having bouts of anxiety/depression. It turns out he's basically been festering in resentment for the last 10 years. And whenever things go badly, he returns to these thoughts. So if eg - his course gets tough and he misses a deadline - he'll go back to thinking that I've got him here under false pretences and basically ruined his life. He will then not talk to me for weeks, loads of passive aggression, shouty with me and the kids, just generally unpleasant. If I try and nip it in the bud early (having spotted the signs) and bring it to a head he will get really angry with me so I generally have to just leave it until he causes an argument over something tiny and it turns into a big blowout. He then seems to get over it for a bit until the next trigger. I'm utterly miserable.

We had counselling for a year about 2 years ago - when the last 10 years of resentment were revealed to me. So in a way it just made things worse. He basically hates me and now I know.

But of course we are not in a position to separate or divorce because he earns no money currently. I can't afford 2 houses. And he will be stuck in this country with no friends or family because of the children (the way that he has effectively separated me from all my friends because he hates socialising is another part of the story). His hatred and resentment of me will be complete and it will be a horrible bitter divorce and I just don't feel I can face that for me but mostly for the children.

Things are so bad I've actually considered offering moving back to his home country in exchange for a civil divorce but I realise that's probably nuts. Another complication is our oldest son (5yrs) is autistic and in an amazing autism within a mainstream school and we both agree we don't want to move him from there. Husband wants to move to his home country of secondary though.

So at the moment we are 'trying to make it work' but I'm just miserable. I don't know if I can ever love him again. We haven't had sex since my youngest was conceived which is 4.5 years ago. When we started the counselling I really wanted to make it work. Despite everything I've written - he's a good person underneath all the resentment. He's an amazing father (apart from having a bit of a short fuse) and the children adore him.

I feel completely trapped and just so sad that I may never get to experience a mutually loving relationship. Any words of advice gratefully received. I'm also open to home truths. I do totally get how awful this situation is for him too. It's just so sad all round.

OP posts:
Villssev · 02/04/2023 10:18

Your children are very young, so presumably he’s a SAHD rather than unemployed?

My husband moved from another country to be with me just over 12 years ago. His suggestion - his choice.

surely there was an element of the two of you coming together to make this decision?

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 10:22

Villssev · 02/04/2023 10:18

Your children are very young, so presumably he’s a SAHD rather than unemployed?

My husband moved from another country to be with me just over 12 years ago. His suggestion - his choice.

surely there was an element of the two of you coming together to make this decision?

The oldest is in school and the youngest in preschool full-time. He's a part time student so I wouldn't describe him as unemployed so he's not earning.

Our relationship was still in early days when he suggested coming back with me to the UK. I was still unsure then. But I said yes and then by the time he moved over was fully on board..I guess I just wrote that to say I didn't force or Badger him into the move which seems to be how he has rewritten things in his head.

OP posts:
Villssev · 02/04/2023 10:25

But I said yes and then by the time he moved over was fully on board

so mutual decision
youngest in pre school full time? Expensive if he’s only part time? That one way to save

ChaToilLeam · 02/04/2023 10:25

What would happen if you did decide to separate from him? Would you manage for childcare etc, without him in the picture? Your marriage is absolutely dead, and you can’t spend the rest of your life this miserable. It can’t be good for the children either.

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 10:28

Villssev · 02/04/2023 10:25

But I said yes and then by the time he moved over was fully on board

so mutual decision
youngest in pre school full time? Expensive if he’s only part time? That one way to save

We get 30 free hours so don't pay anything. Mum has her one afternoon a week.

Yes mutual decision of course. But not me pushing it is all I was trying to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 10:30

ChaToilLeam · 02/04/2023 10:25

What would happen if you did decide to separate from him? Would you manage for childcare etc, without him in the picture? Your marriage is absolutely dead, and you can’t spend the rest of your life this miserable. It can’t be good for the children either.

Thanks. I do worry about what effect it might have on the children. They have never seen us kiss or hug.

I would probably just about cope using after school clubs and my mum. But he would have nothing. It wouldn't be fair to not help him financially and I don't think I could afford 2 households although I do earn reasonably.

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 02/04/2023 10:35

Get him a ticket home and let him be there for a little while, not great for the kids obviously but it may give him some perspective. You some space and perhaps making choices regarding your marriage easier.

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 10:36

I honestly want him to be happy. I constantly fantasise about him having an affair because then we could split and he would be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 10:38

WildFlowerBees · 02/04/2023 10:35

Get him a ticket home and let him be there for a little while, not great for the kids obviously but it may give him some perspective. You some space and perhaps making choices regarding your marriage easier.

He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't leave the kids. Interesting idea though

OP posts:
Mabelface · 02/04/2023 10:50

Don't put his happiness above yours. Why sacrifice your life for someone who treats you so badly? Why is his happiness more important than yours? He can work and study, he's just choosing not to.

CheersForThatEh · 02/04/2023 10:58

Why are you responsible for his happiness?

This reads to me like you want to split but are saying you cant because he wont have anywhere in the UK to go. So what? Hes shouting at you all and being a dickhead. Reap what you sow. Are you actually worried about him moving away?

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 11:01

Mabelface · 02/04/2023 10:50

Don't put his happiness above yours. Why sacrifice your life for someone who treats you so badly? Why is his happiness more important than yours? He can work and study, he's just choosing not to.

He provides all the wrap around care for the children. And the rest of the time studies. And even then is struggling to keep up. So he couldn't work too. He's doing really well on his course but finds it very difficult to study and can't do things by halves so creates extra work for himself.

He doesn't treat me very well it's true. But he's so miserable too. It's a mess!

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 11:04

CheersForThatEh · 02/04/2023 10:58

Why are you responsible for his happiness?

This reads to me like you want to split but are saying you cant because he wont have anywhere in the UK to go. So what? Hes shouting at you all and being a dickhead. Reap what you sow. Are you actually worried about him moving away?

No I don't think he'd move away. And if he did I'd cope. But he would literally be homeless. Wouldn't be good for anyone. I guess that's why I feel trapped. I realise I sound pathetic as I write this! But honestly, realistically what can I do?

OP posts:
Mumsgirls · 02/04/2023 11:06

Years ago I had similar. Told him to go home, plan was visits in holidays as he was making everyone miserable including himself. Phone only in those days, would only phone every few months and kids would be upset. After a year of this I moved without telling him and changed phone number. He made no attempts to find us and he had family and work details. I let him off the hook.
Result two happy well adjusted kids now adults in good jobs and relationships. They have been super cautious about partners. I am now a doting gm, I put the kids happiness first and have no regrets.

SquidwardBound · 02/04/2023 11:06

Do not, under any circumstances, move to his home country. You’ll end up stuck or worse having to leave without your children.

Mabelface · 02/04/2023 11:08

Then you need to separate. Yes, extremely difficult but absolutely not impossible. Do you both want to continue living like this?

Yes, adhd and Autism make life harder, and I should know! What it doesn't do is generally make you an arsehole.

Taking longer to do the course, Yes, adhd! Shouting at you and blaming you for all the perceived wrongs in his life - arsehole.

Bananasplit80 · 02/04/2023 11:08

So sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds really tricky. I know your DH doesn’t have a diagnosis but if you suspect autism, have you thought about getting counselling with a counsellor who specialises in this area? Even if that’s not with a view to saving the marriage, but working out how to navigate an amicable separation. My husband is autistic (diagnosed as an adult after we’d been together for about 15 years, although I’d always suspected), I’m neurotypical and we view the world in completely different ways. He’s also prone to rewriting history/outbursts/hates socialising and although we haven’t yet had counselling (I’m building up to that…) a friend who is in a similar situation really advocates counselling with an autism specialist just to help both parties understand how the other is operating. I know you will already have a wealth of knowledge in this area as a parent of a neurodiverse child, but just suggesting in case it’s helpful. Very best of luck.

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:10

Op you say he would be left with nothing

I think you will be unpleasantly surprised by how much he would be entitled to in the event of a divorce as the primary carer of two very young children

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 11:35

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:10

Op you say he would be left with nothing

I think you will be unpleasantly surprised by how much he would be entitled to in the event of a divorce as the primary carer of two very young children

Yes I have wondered about the legal situation. Obviously if we split i would have the kids 50% of the time. Would he still be considered the primary carer? Would I essentially have to fund his entire life as he's not working?

It's frustrating because before he started the course we were both working and I did everything on top. I was working 4 days and even 3 at one point and went up to 5 so he could do the course. I'd much rather work 3 or 4 days and do more for the kids. And keep the house clean and tidy! I hate working so much but doing it to support him. (as in I hate working so many hours, I don't hate my job, I love it, another source of resentment)

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 11:37

Mabelface · 02/04/2023 11:08

Then you need to separate. Yes, extremely difficult but absolutely not impossible. Do you both want to continue living like this?

Yes, adhd and Autism make life harder, and I should know! What it doesn't do is generally make you an arsehole.

Taking longer to do the course, Yes, adhd! Shouting at you and blaming you for all the perceived wrongs in his life - arsehole.

Thanks for this perspective. This is why I posted. To get some perspective and see if anyone would say anything that helped me think about things differently. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood from the trees.

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 11:39

Bananasplit80 · 02/04/2023 11:08

So sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds really tricky. I know your DH doesn’t have a diagnosis but if you suspect autism, have you thought about getting counselling with a counsellor who specialises in this area? Even if that’s not with a view to saving the marriage, but working out how to navigate an amicable separation. My husband is autistic (diagnosed as an adult after we’d been together for about 15 years, although I’d always suspected), I’m neurotypical and we view the world in completely different ways. He’s also prone to rewriting history/outbursts/hates socialising and although we haven’t yet had counselling (I’m building up to that…) a friend who is in a similar situation really advocates counselling with an autism specialist just to help both parties understand how the other is operating. I know you will already have a wealth of knowledge in this area as a parent of a neurodiverse child, but just suggesting in case it’s helpful. Very best of luck.

Thanks for this. We are actually just both about to start some NHS counselling. And might possibly be offered some further marriage counselling afterwards. Not sure it's salvageable but thanks for your insight and kind words x

OP posts:
Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:41

How have you both for nhs counselling? And to start at the same time?

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:41

The waiting list is huge and, for adults, very rate at this time

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 11:49

Villssev · 02/04/2023 11:41

How have you both for nhs counselling? And to start at the same time?

When we first started the private counselling I had a bit of a breakdown and some time off work. Was also during the time I was arranging schooling for my son, fighting with council, getting ehcp etc. Obvs doing all alone. Also it was when I first increased work hours due to his course starting. Couldnt cope. Went on antidepressants. Haven't been able to come off since. GP suggested individual counselling and we have an amazing NHS service in our area.

They initially suggested having couples DPT instead but said husband had to self refer. Husband self referred but said he preferred individual counselling first. So now we are both having individual counselling at the same time!

Husband's starting Tuesday so wait was less than 2 weeks! We are very lucky I guess. It is our local IAPT service

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 11:51

It's actually been quite a good roundabout way to get him to have some individual counselling

OP posts: