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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely trapped in this marriage

55 replies

lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 10:12

Desperately need some advice about my marriage. Will try not to make this too long but obviously it's always complicated in real life.

My husband moved from another country to be with me just over 12 years ago. His suggestion - his choice. We then got married 2 years later and now have 2 young children. In theory we could move back to his country any time (English speaking, I could probably work there) but haven't so far due to worrying about breaking my Mum's heart (her only other grandchildren actually also live in my husband's home country by coincidence) and that he doesn't really get on with his family so doesn't have that pull.

Since living in the UK my husband has moved from career to career. He feels he has been treated very badly employment wise in this country. He is EXTREMELY bitter about this and doesn't see any part of it all as his own fault. He has indeed been treated badly but also he has made some mistakes. Pointing this out to him would result in an explosion of rage beyond belief - it's just not worth it. I now realise that he almost certainly has undiagnosed neurodiversity and is on a waiting list for ADHD assessment but I think he's autistic as well. He can't see this. it took me long enough to persuade him to go for the ADHD assessment.

He's currently studying for a vocational masters degree - it was supposed to be 2 years part time but due to his missing deadlines it's now looking to be at least 3.5 years in total and possibly 4. I work full time. Would love to drop at least a day to be more present with children but obviously can't financially. He does all drop offs, pick ups, feeding kids and slowly starting to do more around the house eg laundry but I still have 80% of the mental load and spend every Saturday tidying the house from a week of mess.

ALL of this I could put up with - if we were happy. But we're not. He has long standing resentment towards me due to the way things have gone for him here in the UK. He thinks we should have moved back to his home country years ago - although he never actually suggested it. Apparently I was supposed to have guessed that he felt that way due to him constantly complaining about how his initial profession (teaching) had so much more earning potential in his home country. He now feels that he moved to the UK under 'false pretences' as I never really loved him and just stayed with him because it was easy. It's true that I was slower to get invested in the relationship at first but by the time he moved here and we got married I was madly in love and very happy.

He was having these doubts even back then but I didn't know - I just thought he was having bouts of anxiety/depression. It turns out he's basically been festering in resentment for the last 10 years. And whenever things go badly, he returns to these thoughts. So if eg - his course gets tough and he misses a deadline - he'll go back to thinking that I've got him here under false pretences and basically ruined his life. He will then not talk to me for weeks, loads of passive aggression, shouty with me and the kids, just generally unpleasant. If I try and nip it in the bud early (having spotted the signs) and bring it to a head he will get really angry with me so I generally have to just leave it until he causes an argument over something tiny and it turns into a big blowout. He then seems to get over it for a bit until the next trigger. I'm utterly miserable.

We had counselling for a year about 2 years ago - when the last 10 years of resentment were revealed to me. So in a way it just made things worse. He basically hates me and now I know.

But of course we are not in a position to separate or divorce because he earns no money currently. I can't afford 2 houses. And he will be stuck in this country with no friends or family because of the children (the way that he has effectively separated me from all my friends because he hates socialising is another part of the story). His hatred and resentment of me will be complete and it will be a horrible bitter divorce and I just don't feel I can face that for me but mostly for the children.

Things are so bad I've actually considered offering moving back to his home country in exchange for a civil divorce but I realise that's probably nuts. Another complication is our oldest son (5yrs) is autistic and in an amazing autism within a mainstream school and we both agree we don't want to move him from there. Husband wants to move to his home country of secondary though.

So at the moment we are 'trying to make it work' but I'm just miserable. I don't know if I can ever love him again. We haven't had sex since my youngest was conceived which is 4.5 years ago. When we started the counselling I really wanted to make it work. Despite everything I've written - he's a good person underneath all the resentment. He's an amazing father (apart from having a bit of a short fuse) and the children adore him.

I feel completely trapped and just so sad that I may never get to experience a mutually loving relationship. Any words of advice gratefully received. I'm also open to home truths. I do totally get how awful this situation is for him too. It's just so sad all round.

OP posts:
yodayoga1 · 02/04/2023 11:52

If you have 50/50 of the kids, he would very likely still get more than 50% of the marital assets, given your different current earning capacities, though he would be expected to then get a job.
And please, please, please do not move to his home country. You will never be allowed to return to the uk with the children unless he permits it. You could, in fact, find yourself arrested for child abduction if you tried it. I have a very good friend now stuck, penniless, abroad for years because of this exact situation. It is far more common than you think. Or even worse, you could be thrown out of the country if you don't have the correct visa when you split, without your children. See this site if you doubt me:

www.globalarrk.org

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 12:00

Thanks. I think I might have just worked out how to reply without quoting all the text!

Ok so moving to his country not an option. I've definitely learned that from this thread.

I honestly wouldn't mind giving him a larger share of the house (our only asset no savings) if it meant he would be able to set himself up better. But would he get some of my salary too? That would be harder to afford...

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 12:01

Oh no I didn't. Was trying to reply to yodayoga1 there

OP posts:
yodayoga1 · 02/04/2023 12:08

Don't worry, I've seen your reply. It depends on your earnings. In some cases, you may still be required to give him some maintenance. How long has he left on the masters? A good family solicitor will advise better than I can but I wonder if it's better to wait until he's finished his studies if it's not too far off? He won't have much of an argument then about why he can't support himself with a job. A court won't just look at what he earns but what he is capable of earning with his qualifications etc and will expect him to step up.

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 12:22

yodayoga1 · 02/04/2023 12:08

Don't worry, I've seen your reply. It depends on your earnings. In some cases, you may still be required to give him some maintenance. How long has he left on the masters? A good family solicitor will advise better than I can but I wonder if it's better to wait until he's finished his studies if it's not too far off? He won't have much of an argument then about why he can't support himself with a job. A court won't just look at what he earns but what he is capable of earning with his qualifications etc and will expect him to step up.

Thanks. Course should have been finished this Feb. But it's looking like another 18-24 months. My vague plan has been to rethink after that time if things haven't miraculously improved. I earn quite well (90k) which as a single salary in London doesn't go far for a family of 4 with a hefty mortgage! Can't leave London as job is tied to it. Is that high enough that I'd have to pay maintenance do you know (appreciate I need solicitor for definite answers but just wondering if you know. Thanks)

OP posts:
TheMatriarchy · 02/04/2023 12:25

Frankly he sounds bloody lazy, I did a part time masters, while I had a part time job, and was a single parent to a 3&6 yr old. The bar is so low for men.
Unless you're on £100k plus there will be no expectation of spousal support, & even then it would be time limited for 2 or 3 yrs, enough for him to finish his course & get a full time job.

Please centre your children not this petulant man child. It's wrong for them to have to grow up in a loveless festering resentment home. They don't deserve that and the implications for them and their future lives & relationships are huge. It's them you owe your concern for, not him , he is an adult who made his own choices. Likely the kind of person who is never happy anywhere, so there's no point trying to fix it for him.

Document how much you do for the children, and get clear on how you can make 50/50 work practically. But honestly unless he has the cash for an extended legal battle, there is no chance he will get full custody. He will be expected to get a job like everyone else. Assets split 50/50 too so the sooner you extract yourself the better. He may just walk away & go back home, that will be his choice. But don't abandon your mum, you'll never get to live in the same country as her again, and I think you will deeply regret that as she gets older.

inininsomnia · 02/04/2023 12:39

ADHD and laziness aren't the same thing, FFS...

OP, diagnosis of both autism and ADHD are both painfully slow on the NHS. I believe there are also waiting lists in the private sector, but somewhat quicker and I would recommend that if at all possible, as ADHD knowledge and medication can make a huge difference.

That said, coming to terms with such a diagnosis in midlife can be very difficult... as my partner's therapist told him once we'd already been through it. It's worth knowing that and thinking preemptively about counselling may again be advisable. I realise all this would require his cooperation, but these are things to consider.

I'm so sorry you feel so trapped and I do understand. You've had (some) good advice here and ai agree that you must not transplant yourself and all the same problems to another country. One small thing that may help is to revive your own social life for support and interests beyond your partner, which you very much deserve.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 02/04/2023 12:45

I think see a lawyer first. Know where your restrictions lie and what the consequences might be then you are better informed in your decisions. Look on the Resolution law website for a local solicitor that is a member of this scheme. You’d also get more objective advice on the divorce thread.

I hope you find a way out whilst all 4 of you are young. I was trapped in a similarly awful marriage for 30 years my kids are young adults now: I can live out what’s left of my life with my regrets and guilt but at least I’ll be independent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2023 13:04

I also think you should separate. I get it’s not necessarily his fault that the course is taking longer than anticipated. However, this is not your responsibility either. I imagine he’s got permanent leave to remain.

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 13:04

TheMatriarchy · 02/04/2023 12:25

Frankly he sounds bloody lazy, I did a part time masters, while I had a part time job, and was a single parent to a 3&6 yr old. The bar is so low for men.
Unless you're on £100k plus there will be no expectation of spousal support, & even then it would be time limited for 2 or 3 yrs, enough for him to finish his course & get a full time job.

Please centre your children not this petulant man child. It's wrong for them to have to grow up in a loveless festering resentment home. They don't deserve that and the implications for them and their future lives & relationships are huge. It's them you owe your concern for, not him , he is an adult who made his own choices. Likely the kind of person who is never happy anywhere, so there's no point trying to fix it for him.

Document how much you do for the children, and get clear on how you can make 50/50 work practically. But honestly unless he has the cash for an extended legal battle, there is no chance he will get full custody. He will be expected to get a job like everyone else. Assets split 50/50 too so the sooner you extract yourself the better. He may just walk away & go back home, that will be his choice. But don't abandon your mum, you'll never get to live in the same country as her again, and I think you will deeply regret that as she gets older.

He genuinely not lazy and I do believe his ND makes studying (at the age of 43!) very difficult for him. if we were happy together I wouldn't mind is stretching on as we cope financially and the children get looked after by a parent after school. BUT yes he is quite petulant generally and you are right about never being happy - he hated his job before he left his home country too - but reminding him of that doesn't go down well.

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 13:07

inininsomnia · 02/04/2023 12:39

ADHD and laziness aren't the same thing, FFS...

OP, diagnosis of both autism and ADHD are both painfully slow on the NHS. I believe there are also waiting lists in the private sector, but somewhat quicker and I would recommend that if at all possible, as ADHD knowledge and medication can make a huge difference.

That said, coming to terms with such a diagnosis in midlife can be very difficult... as my partner's therapist told him once we'd already been through it. It's worth knowing that and thinking preemptively about counselling may again be advisable. I realise all this would require his cooperation, but these are things to consider.

I'm so sorry you feel so trapped and I do understand. You've had (some) good advice here and ai agree that you must not transplant yourself and all the same problems to another country. One small thing that may help is to revive your own social life for support and interests beyond your partner, which you very much deserve.

Thanks - yes I think any diagnosis will be hard t deal with. he's been on the list for over 2 years now so it must be coming up soon surely?!

Reviving social life is a good idea. It feels a bit scary though - like his social anxiety has rubbed off on me!

OP posts:
defeat · 02/04/2023 13:11

Document how much you do for the children, and get clear on how you can make 50/50 work practically. But honestly unless he has the cash for an extended legal battle, there is no chance he will get full custody

There's every chance of it, if he wants to go down that route. If he has essentially been a SAHD, then he could make a case for being the primary caregiver. OP would lose a lot of money in child maintenance, and might also have to pay spousal support while he re-trains and finds a job.

This is the worst case scenario, but it's by no means impossible.

@lastminutelily Get proper legal advice about the position regarding finances and potential child arrangement orders (there's no such thing as "custody" in the UK, though people throw the word around on here). It may be that he wouldn't want 50:50 or more, but you need to get as much information as you can before you think about the next steps.

defeat · 02/04/2023 13:12

Oh and yes, revive your social life. Him being antisocial doesn't mean your social life has to end. You just do it without him. My DP and I have separate social lives and separate friends, and it works very well.

inininsomnia · 02/04/2023 13:13

It's worth enquiring about the waiting lists to know where you stand. My partner waited two years before covid but I think the pandemic has made things worse still. I really hope you can get some help that gives him more insight.

Start gently with socialising - maybe even going places alone? I find going to the cinema only my own to be good for a little peace and headspace.

OnaBegonia · 02/04/2023 13:21

Your eldest is in school/ younger has 30 hrs plus a day with your mum, why can he not work? he can study for 30hrs and get an evening /weekend job.
You need to stop feeling sorry for him and that you need to solve his problems, do what's best for you and your children.

Isheabastard · 02/04/2023 14:46

Is there any way you could separate emotionally but still live under the same roof? This would allow him to finish the course, then he could get a job and afford his own place and you co parent. It would be up to him if he goes back to his home country or stays with the children.

Perhaps he needs private therapy to see that going back will not solve his problems (which your post seem to be saying you are now realising that is the case). He also sounds as if he needs to start taking ownership of the decisions he has made that have led him to being this unhappy.

You know him best, is there anyway you can sit him down and tell him you want to divorce? But you will wait for him to be able to support himself. In the meantime you will live together, but separately. Ie separate bedrooms. You will no longer be his support human. Conversations will be about practical things and you will walk away if he starts on at you.

It seems to me that your biggest problem is his misery and resentments and him blaming and taking things out on you. You need to explain that you will no longer put up with this. I think if this stopped you could bear staying together until he is working again. Maybe he could go to the GP and get antidepressants. I know from experience they help blunt emotions so maybe help him to become easier to live with.

If just going straight to divorce won’t work, then think of this as a long term strategic project, where you may have to take baby steps but decide on a goal and work out how to get there.

Im not sure I’ve explained myself well, but to reiterate:

  1. You won’t listen to his bad moods and his blame game. Lead separate lives as much as possible under one roof, until course is finished.
  2. You physically separate, he decides whether to stay or go.
  3. Remember you don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

You asked for an outside perspective, I don’t know if this helps?

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 14:48

defeat · 02/04/2023 13:11

Document how much you do for the children, and get clear on how you can make 50/50 work practically. But honestly unless he has the cash for an extended legal battle, there is no chance he will get full custody

There's every chance of it, if he wants to go down that route. If he has essentially been a SAHD, then he could make a case for being the primary caregiver. OP would lose a lot of money in child maintenance, and might also have to pay spousal support while he re-trains and finds a job.

This is the worst case scenario, but it's by no means impossible.

@lastminutelily Get proper legal advice about the position regarding finances and potential child arrangement orders (there's no such thing as "custody" in the UK, though people throw the word around on here). It may be that he wouldn't want 50:50 or more, but you need to get as much information as you can before you think about the next steps.

Thanks for this sobering advice. It seems so unfair that he could be considered to be the primary care giver and get more than 50/50 when I would love to be working less and looking after them more. But that's the reality I suppose and I need to be aware of it

OP posts:
Villssev · 02/04/2023 15:08

lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 14:48

Thanks for this sobering advice. It seems so unfair that he could be considered to be the primary care giver and get more than 50/50 when I would love to be working less and looking after them more. But that's the reality I suppose and I need to be aware of it

Show quote history

But to be fair - it does sound like he is the primary care giver?

Villssev · 02/04/2023 15:09

He does all drop offs, pick ups, feeding kids

that does seem like primary care giver?

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 15:29

Villssev · 02/04/2023 15:08

But to be fair - it does sound like he is the primary care giver?

Show quote history

Well sure but as as soon as he's back at work you can bet I'll be doing most of it again just like last time we were both working. Seems harsh that permanent decisions would be made based on this period. It's not the case that he's doing it to allow my career to flourish, it's the other way round!

OP posts:
Villssev · 02/04/2023 15:30

It’s not permanent decisions.

the expectation is the primary carer will ramp up work as children reach school age.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 02/04/2023 15:31

i think we can all see why you feel trapped in this marriage- I think it’s completely naive of some on MN (not this thread in particular) to say how easy it is to leave a marriage where there is not enough money for two households. But also it’s good to bear witness to the difficulties and still say you want to leave. Best thing now OP as you are seeing from advice here is to find out exactly just how difficult it’s going to be and see if it’s a price worth paying.

Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 15:33

Villssev · 02/04/2023 15:30

It’s not permanent decisions.

the expectation is the primary carer will ramp up work as children reach school age.

They are both at school

OP posts:
Original poster
lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 15:34

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 02/04/2023 15:31

i think we can all see why you feel trapped in this marriage- I think it’s completely naive of some on MN (not this thread in particular) to say how easy it is to leave a marriage where there is not enough money for two households. But also it’s good to bear witness to the difficulties and still say you want to leave. Best thing now OP as you are seeing from advice here is to find out exactly just how difficult it’s going to be and see if it’s a price worth paying.

Good summary! Thank you and that's what I need to do. It's been good to get it down and think it through a bit. Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Villssev · 02/04/2023 15:35

lastminutelily · 02/04/2023 15:33

They are both at school

Show quote history

Pre school isn’t regarded as school

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