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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with my friends ignorance over anaphylaxis

64 replies

bagpuss90 · 02/04/2023 09:12

My daughter in law has a severe nut allergy . She’s really careful , she was given something at her friends house yesterday which her friend assured her did not contain nuts. My DIL checked the packaging -all good. Anyway she went into severe anaphylactic shock. Administered her Eli pen. Thank god the ambulance arrived really quickly. She’s still in hospital -but she’s okay. It seems it may have been cross contamination -her friend feels awful. But the main thing is she’s okay. I was telling my friend what happened -and she said my DIL needs to pull herself together and get over this nonsense -her words. She has my grandson to think of. She thinks it’s a phobia -ffs.AIBU to be pissed off with her ignorance ?

OP posts:
OllytheCollie · 02/04/2023 09:38

How old is your friend? Because at one time when immunology was less advanced it really was thought allergies were psychosomatic. When I was training as a psychologist in the 90s colleagues recalled running allergy clinics to help train people out of their allergy responses as recently as the 70s.

It's all nonsense obviously. (Plus even if it were all in the mind which it absolutely is not people cannot just pull themselves out of mental illnesses either so it's a pretty pointless distinction - if she were having panic attacks she still wouldn't be able to just stop). But she may really need to read some accurate info from Allergy UK to understand that allergens can only be avoided. People can't just harden up.

Hope your DiL is ok and recovers soon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2023 09:52

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/04/2023 09:29

I think that this is partly because so many people have jumped on the food intolerance bandwagon ( and fall off it when faced with something really delicious) . This means that people who have real,, life threatening allergies can be tarred with the same brush.

before anyone piles on me, I say this as someone who has been hospitalised more than once for anaphylactic shock.

in your position I wouldn’t fly off the handle, that’s pointless. When someone confronted me as to why I wouldn’t have a procedure which was said to possibly cause anaphylactic shock, I showed them a picture of someone seriously affected , and pointed out that the swelling is inside your windpipe as well. They were quite apologetic, but more importantly, they understood.

This is true. I am gluten intolerant and I always ask for gluten free in a restaurant and clarify I’m not diagnosed celiac, just it gives me a really painful stomach. It’s important to inform people of the difference... and no I don’t have a spoonful of sticky toffee pudding.

Your friend is ignorant. I agree with the approach of breaking it down. She must have heard of allergies eg hay fever and those caused by animals etc. Then explain some of these allergies are extreme and can hospitalise people. And that some are so extreme that they can kill. Then explain the the mechanism of anaphylaxis and why people carry an epipen to administer adrenaline to stop them from dying.

Thank goodness your dil is ok and one pen was enough.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 02/04/2023 09:53

OllytheCollie
Shes 62

OP posts:
PurpleAirGuitar · 02/04/2023 09:59

If allergies were psychosomatic people wouldn't have reactions when they didn't know the allergen was present. Your DIL saw the label on the product and believed it to be safe, and she had a reaction anyway. I'd say that proves there was a genuine physical reason for it - not that any of us here need proof, but it might help to explain it to this uninformed friend.

PragmaticWench · 02/04/2023 10:00

Bleachmycloths · 02/04/2023 09:24

Your friend is incredibly stupid and ignorant. Surely everyone knows about the dangers of nut allergies?

Not just nuts, all allergens can be fatal if the allergy is serious.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/04/2023 10:04

She thinks people can die because of something 'in their mind'

I actually dont think I could be friends with someone that stupid

Scienceadvisory · 02/04/2023 10:14

Lindy2 · 02/04/2023 09:26

Your poor DIL.

I'd be pretty blunt and say to her that nuts are poisonous for your DIL and that you poisoned her by not being careful enough. I'd also say you nearly killed her.

The carelessness of a friend that nearly cost her, her life is what she needs to get over. Not a phobia.

You should probably re-read the post because you have misunderstood. The OPs friend, the idiot who doesn't understand anaphylaxis, wasn't there and had nothing to do with the incident.

The DIL's friend gave her something that said it was nut free and the DIL, after reading the packet herself, decided it was safe to eat. So that person didn't almost kill her either.

Seeline · 02/04/2023 10:20

Many people who have no experience of allergies do not really understand the issues.
As others have said people saying they are intolerant to things until something nice comes along don't help. And parents saying DCs are allergic to something rather than own up to a fussy kid are just as bad.

watcherintherye · 02/04/2023 10:20

Just say potentially fatal allergic reaction. Some people seemingly prefer lots of words to "big" words.

I fear that even potentially fatal allergic reaction may be a step too far for op’s friend!

Name99 · 02/04/2023 10:20

Why did you not just explain it properly to her?

Bleachmycloths · 02/04/2023 10:22

PragmaticWench · 02/04/2023 10:00

Not just nuts, all allergens can be fatal if the allergy is serious.

Show quote history

Yes, you’re right, of course. I agree with you. It’s just that nut allergies and their effects seem to get a lot more media coverage.

MikeLitoriss · 02/04/2023 10:27

I couldn't be friends with an idiot

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 02/04/2023 11:02

Name99
I tried - believe me -I tried. Her argument is that apparently we never had this years ago . I despair….

OP posts:
myoldmansatrendydustman · 02/04/2023 11:04

Simonjt · 02/04/2023 09:22

Unfortunately you have to remember that the average person is incredibly stupid.

This.

Many people are uneducated about many subjects - that's life.

myoldmansatrendydustman · 02/04/2023 11:09

bagpuss90 · 02/04/2023 11:02

Name99
I tried - believe me -I tried. Her argument is that apparently we never had this years ago . I despair….

She's actually correct.

As a society, we focus on creating clean environments for our children. This creates a lack of exposure to dirt and bacteria and could impede immune system development. Research has shown that children have higher rates of hay fever, asthma, and other allergies when they live in very clean environments.

However, she needs to realise that the situation has changed from "her day". If she won't listen or is being deliberately obtuse then cut her out of your life.

Life's too short to spend it with people who drain you.

KnittingNeedles · 02/04/2023 11:14

Nut allergies - and other severe allergies to be fair - are certainly more common now and I don't think anyone knows why. I was born early 70s, none of my friends or classmates had nut allergies, or had to avoid dairy/gluten. It just wasn't a "thing" and must have made planning kids' parties so much easier for parents. My sister - born mid 70s - had one friend at university who was very allergic to things like peas and lentils.

That's not to say severe allergies don't exist because they clearly do and OP's friend is also clearly a knob. But they are certainly more prevalent. And not helped by all manner of people who decide on a whim that they are allergic, or intolerant to something or other.

FictionalCharacter · 02/04/2023 11:45

bagpuss90 · 02/04/2023 09:23

TitoMojito
she thinks it’s all in her mind

You could try showing her something like this which explains that it's caused by the the immune system producing antibodies when it shouldn't https://dermnetnz.org/topics/allergies-explained#:~:text=Type%20I%20hypersensitivity%20reaction%20is,and%20other%20organ%20system%20effects.
I'm older than her but I understand this stuff because I have a biology degree. But plenty of people understand it without being scientists, so she's being unusually ridiculous.
It was a thing when we were younger. It's a malfunction of the immune system, and we definitely all had immune systems in previous generations! It was the late 70s when I studied this. Nut allergies and other food allergies were rarer, but anaphylaxis obviously isn't restricted to food.
You could show her the Pret case. That resulted in an actual change in the law.
I really can't stand people who have dangerously stupid ideas and won't learn. If this person won't believe reputable medical websites on an important medical issue, and continues to talk about your dil like that, I'd find it impossible to be her friend.

Allergies explained | DermNet

Allergies explained, Hypersensitivity reaction, Allergic or hypersensitivity conditions, Hypersensitivity response, Allergy - general information. Authoritative facts from DermNet New Zealand.

https://dermnetnz.org/topics/allergies-explained#:~:text=Type%20I%20hypersensitivity%20reaction%20is,and%20other%20organ%20system%20effects.

AxolotlOnions · 02/04/2023 11:51

"We never had this years ago." Yes, that's because those with fatal allergies died as young children. FFS, people are so stupid.

It never ceases to amaze me how people will dig their heels in when they are wrong. If somebody tells me I'm wrong about something I'll go and look it up. I want to be right about things as often as possible and wrong for the shortest time possible. I can't deal with people like your friend.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 02/04/2023 11:52

Mummyoflittledragon
probably not

OP posts:
AxolotlOnions · 02/04/2023 12:00

KnittingNeedles · 02/04/2023 11:14

Nut allergies - and other severe allergies to be fair - are certainly more common now and I don't think anyone knows why. I was born early 70s, none of my friends or classmates had nut allergies, or had to avoid dairy/gluten. It just wasn't a "thing" and must have made planning kids' parties so much easier for parents. My sister - born mid 70s - had one friend at university who was very allergic to things like peas and lentils.

That's not to say severe allergies don't exist because they clearly do and OP's friend is also clearly a knob. But they are certainly more prevalent. And not helped by all manner of people who decide on a whim that they are allergic, or intolerant to something or other.

One of the reasons for more prevalence in allergies is the decrease in deaths from anaphylaxis, another is the more varied diet we eat now, if I was allergic to chickpeas for instance, I wouldn't have discovered it as a child.

Soapboxqueen · 02/04/2023 12:10

YANBU

I think people confuse allergy, intolerance, dislike quite a bit too and some use these words interchangably.

I'm not sure why your friend thinks your dil should just pull herself together when she's been admitted to hospital. Does your friend think the doctors are confused?

I have an intolerance to certain foods. I'll be ill for a few days with pain and not being able to leave the house as need instant access to a toilet. Obviously not life threatening but I won't eat certain foods if I'm out or particularly if travelling.

The number of places that assume that if it isn't an allergy it must be a fad diet is unreal. Like it just doesn't matter. I then get the wrong order which tbf doesn't bode well for those with actually allergies if they can't get an alternative order right when the stakes aren't that high.

Which I think encourages people in my position to just say allergy as then it's taken seriously (not something that I do as I think it's really important to keep the distinction).

That's topped off with people who just don't like certain foods and just say intolerance/allergy so they aren't questioned.

The whole thing is infuriating.

thegrain · 02/04/2023 12:18

AxolotlOnions · 02/04/2023 12:00

One of the reasons for more prevalence in allergies is the decrease in deaths from anaphylaxis, another is the more varied diet we eat now, if I was allergic to chickpeas for instance, I wouldn't have discovered it as a child.

Show quote history

This is a very interesting way of looking at it tha k you I hadn't thought of that but it makes perfect sense

DowntonCrabby · 02/04/2023 12:20

I’d struggle to be friends with someone this ignorant.

FictionalCharacter · 02/04/2023 12:48

AxolotlOnions · 02/04/2023 11:51

"We never had this years ago." Yes, that's because those with fatal allergies died as young children. FFS, people are so stupid.

It never ceases to amaze me how people will dig their heels in when they are wrong. If somebody tells me I'm wrong about something I'll go and look it up. I want to be right about things as often as possible and wrong for the shortest time possible. I can't deal with people like your friend.

I agree. I just don't understand why people choose not to learn. Things like this are not a matter of opinion, like whether to put the jam or cream on the scone first. They are actual facts. I can't be doing with people who decide something and then stick to it despite evidence that they are wrong. It just makes them look very stupid.

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