Please help me. I’m in a loving relationship of 4 1/2 yrs. I have an 11yr DD and we have a 2yr old DD together. It’s a long one sorry!
Every so often we have massive rows and he turns into a very angry unpleasant person. He will instigate/pursue arguments in front of our DD’s which upsets them, despite me telling him to stop and not do it in front of them. He’ll happily do it in public too.
He’s not physically abusive whatsoever but I feel he maybe gaslights me. It often stems around him doing something wrong but instead of owning up/accepting and apologising he becomes angry and defensive and tells me I’m “always” going on at him and picking at him. From my perspective it feels like he thinks he can do/say things that might upset me or my DD but doesn’t expect it to be pointed out.
Example today: I worked this morning, was very busy and got home around 1:30-1:45pm feeling shattered and headachey (also because my DD had a friend for a sleepover and they were up v. late and then our LO woke v. early). I managed to get LO back down before I left for work so he could sleep in longer. When I get home, the parents of the friend had arrived to collect her and they were all sitting chatting and having a cuppa. I joined them (but no cuppa made for me). LO was a bit clingy and angsty so I pointed out it was probably because she’s gone past her nap time (usually down for 1pm after lunch at 12pm). I tried to put her down but she had a tantrum and wouldn’t. After the parents left (3ish) my partner started making me and him bacon rolls, I asked if LO had had any lunch. No. Neither had my eldest. I was obviously a bit peeved and he made the excuse that the parents had turned up so he couldn’t have done it. I disagreed, said he should’ve just said “I just need to make LO some lunch” and chatted whilst doing so. He’s terrible at keeping to routines anyway and always needs prompting/reminding. So I then fed LO and asked him to sort something for my eldest. He wasn’t happy but did so.
This eve, LO became predictably tantrumy and difficult, he asks why so I say “it’s probably because she hasn’t had a nap” he replies “well you tried and she wouldn’t go down” I reply “probably because she was hungry as she hadn’t eaten, which I didn’t know at the time”. He blows up, in front of the girls, raised voice, saying nastily “why did you have to bring it up again, you’re always having a go at me, picking at me” etc etc. and obviously I defend myself saying I’m not having a go - just pointing out why LO is in a mood. He was just horrible.
Also earlier on, my DD brought up that he had deleted lots of things from the tv that me and her had recorded for ourselves but not watched yet (he records TONS of stuff for himself, at least 75% was his but we had reached our limit on recorded stuff). Instead of apologising, he gets defensive and said he didn’t know we hadn’t watched it blah blah and we can still probably find it to watch again. We can’t. I said can’t you just say sorry? He does. But then in this evening’s row, he brings that up aswell as part of the “you’re always having a go” line.
So this is what he does - makes a mistake, doesn’t own it and just apologise instead has a go at me for pointing it out. I honestly don’t pick at him all the time, he just hates if he fucks up and expects it not to be pointed out. How is that fair??
I’ve said he’s gaslighting me - fucking up, not owning it, then turns it back on me that I’m having a go. It’s all the time.
AIBU? Should I not point out when he doesn’t keep to routines, or doesn’t pick his dirty clothes off the floor and put them in the basket, or doesn’t put the clean, dried, folded clothes away etc.? I’m expected to just put up and shut up? I work too, part time and him full time but never weekends, so I do the lion’s share of childcare, shopping, cooking, housework in the week AND at weekends. So yes, I do point out when he makes my life harder by not helping or doing his bit. But surly he can at least do the basics when I’m working? Again, that’s “picking on him”.
Thanks if you’ve reached this far! I’m just sitting here pissed off and mulling it all over!