So sad I couldn’t have Dd earlier

[Shouldnthaveeatenthatmuchpizza]

Struggled to get pregnant with my Dd, years of infertility, losses and ivf, had her at 40 and very happy…apart from when I think of the future and how long I’ll have with her, will I ever meet her children, if she has them, I won’t see them grow up etc. There’s nothing I can do about it and I’m so so grateful for her, it seems unfair though and I keep thinking about it.

My mother had me when she was 18. She is 67 now and I’m 49. Despite trying to have a child since we were in our 20s, it has not happened for my husband and me. And we’ve reached the stage now where it never will. So having a child early in adulthood doesn’t guarantee many years of being a grandparent. Take nothing for granted. Be glad you’ve been able to have a child at all.

She lived to 106???

If you had your daughter earlier - you would have been using a different egg and sperm so would have had a different child. I think you will be happier if you enjoy the moment rather than regret the past.

If you had her earlier she wouldn’t be the same child! Just make the most of her everyday.

If you had had a child earlier, it wouldn't have been your DD, it would have been someone else

I became a mother at 39 and a stepmother at 48. My stepson’s mother died at 42.

She didn’t see them collect their GCSE results and learn to drive - let alone the first girlfriends, driving passes, A levels, degree choices, graduations, first jobs, first homes, getting a dog, getting engaged I’ve been part of. Certainly not grandchildren if that happens one day.

You have to focus on what you do have.

What helped me (also IVF) was that as a result of the long journey to IVF, I made friends with others on the same path. Several of whom weren’t successful. I don’t mean to sound pious, but I find I can’t go down the rabbit hole of “no siblings” (that’s more my thing than lost time) without thinking of my friends who never even got a child. It’s not that there isn’t space for both issues to be comforted - but when I think what I do have, and what they don’t, I find that emotionally I move on pretty quickly!

I would tell you to focus on yourself. Try to improve your diet and fitness. My friends mum had her late forties and keep herself very fit. She heading towards 80 now but still cycles and lifts weights. She is very involved with her grandchildren, takes evening classes and runs a local food bank. If you look after yourself you have more choices.

I didn't meet my husband until I was 39 snd had my children in my 40s. I certainly don't think it's 'unfair'. That's life.
My husband died when he was 51. No matter what age you have kids there's no guarantee how long you will be around.

Haven’t read the full thread. But my partners mum and dad were 42 when they had him. He is now 44. They are still very much alive and kicking, very much living life.

He has had both his parents longer than I had one of mine who died too young when I was early thirties . My parents were mid to late twenties having me It’s never bothered him having older parents he tells me.

Nothing is guaranteed in life. Enjoy your longed for daughter and try not to worry about things out of our control. just life the life you have now.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had mine at 37 & 42 with fertility issues. Often my husband and I discussed how much easier it would have been financially and work wise if we had had our kids 5 years earlier when we started trying. However, that’s life. I’ve recently been diagnosed with cancer…no one knows what’s ahead. I now most likely won’t see my children as adults. I treasure them everyday.

I had my twins at 41 and feel the same as you do Tbh. I try not to think about it 💐 xx

My mum and me both had our kids around 30, so she is young enough to meet her grandchildren and was so looking forward to it. However she hasn't enjoyed it as much as she thought she would and in fact doesn't really like it. So you just don't know what is going to happen and how you'll feel, no point worrying about it.

The thing is it doesn’t work like that. My parents had me at 27 and I lost my Dad when I was 20. My grandparents had my mum at 43 and one of them lived until he was 92.

Enjoy the time you have as no one can tell how long they have.

"Unfair" is faulty thinking. You're lucky to have her, as I'm lucky to have mine, and I was older than you. But we have no right to wish our children will have the future that we fantasise about. Nobody has to have children, so we might not have grandchildren and we have to accept that. We don't have a right to see them either. My friend's dc emigrated and she rarely sees her GCs.
As older parents dh and I chose to accept that we'll be old when our kids are still quite young. So we focused on making them independent, and supporting them to live the lives they want.
Just enjoy the moment with her. You'll be happier if you stop allowing yourself to gaze longingly at a future that may or may not happen, that sounds ideal to you but might not be what she wants for her life at all.

I sound similar to you op as in took 10yrs ttc and 4 failed ivf. The 5th finally worked and dd was 6 last week

But as Mother Nature didn't play ball I was almost 44 when I gave birth instead of 32/33

So means I'm 50 this year

I don't worry as such as I will die soon and won't see her grow up or be a nanny

But I have made provisions in my will for her and guardianship incase anything happens to dh (56) and I

I def don't want her to be a mum at 20. I want her to enjoy and live life

But what will be will be

Why won’t you see them grow up? You could have another fifty years or more.

Just enjoy what you have now. The future will take care of itself.

I had DS1 at 33 and DS2 at 40. I do not worry about the future. Why? Because my mum was 24 when she had me and didn’t live to see me married or my DC. Life is unpredictable- make the best of what you have. There is no guarantee that your Dd will have Dc at all - she might not want children. She might move away. This is probably not coming across well, but I hope you can enjoy what you have and don’t worry about being a mum at 40. If you look after yourself and stay fit you’ll have decades. My in-laws are both over 80 - both can still do 6-7 mile walks easily.