So sad I couldn’t have Dd earlier

[Shouldnthaveeatenthatmuchpizza]

Struggled to get pregnant with my Dd, years of infertility, losses and ivf, had her at 40 and very happy…apart from when I think of the future and how long I’ll have with her, will I ever meet her children, if she has them, I won’t see them grow up etc. There’s nothing I can do about it and I’m so so grateful for her, it seems unfair though and I keep thinking about it.

I am in the exact same situation OP. I wonder if I'll ever get to see her children (I know there's no guarantee she'll want any in future) , and how many years I'll have with her. I really do feel very sad when I think about it. All I can do is be the best mum that I can be and create as many lovely memories together as I can. I hope and pray I can live to see her being an adult so I know when I go she'll not have to go into the care system etc. She doesn't have any siblings and if something were to happen to me and her dad, she really will be alone . Just breaks my heart thinking about it .

I had my daughter at 40 too, several years unsuccessful ttc with a previous partner in my late 20s, awful break up, caring for terminally ill parent, bereavement - then didn’t meet DH till 35 and (after a year together) 4 years ttc/ fertility treatment.

I don’t think so much in terms of my time with her, but I’m terrified of leaving her too soon and find myself whenever I hear someone has died I instantly do a calculation in my head, so e.g if I hear someone died at 67 my brain instantly goes too ‘DD would be 27 if I died at that age, would she be able to cope without me by then …?’ It’s ridiculous, pointless and particularly unhelpful. It comes from having lost my birth parents very young (as a baby/child) and then my adoptive parents when I was 21 and 32.

I wish I could have had DD younger, but when I find myself getting bogged down by these kind of thoughts I remind myself that if I’d had a baby at any other time, it wouldn’t be this baby - my absolutely perfect and amazing daughter and god, imagine if I’d never got to meet her?! Plus all the advantages that come with being older, more financially secure, no need to rush back to full time work so I can have so much more time with her now for example (not saying that’s best for everyone, but I have appreciated it for me).

Bit glass-half-empty, OP.

There are all kinds of reasons why not every one becomes a grandparent. I think you should do your best to reframe your thinking to gratitude for what you have if you can.

I actually feel the same way OP. When I stop and think about it, I think how hugely privileged I am to have older close family, mostly because of how they had children much younger than I could. I think of how much I hope to be able to live long enough to see of her life. The special moments I have shared with my own mum. Will I get to share these with my daughter? Will my own mum be here too?

I'm not going to give advice, but you are not alone. The website Motherly has some wonderful posts about these kind of feelings.

I had my DC about 10 years earlier and if they have children at the same age I won't be able to help out as my mum did as I'll still be working full time as the retirement age has gone up. So if you are 70 when you become a grandparent you will likely be retired and able to help out when they are little which is really helpful

I had this exact thought earlier! I’m 49 with a primary school aged child. For the first time ever I wished that we were 10 years younger.

I think you need to just embrace everything, try to be healthy. I’m on a health kick. Enjoy the Pearls of wisdom and maturity. Have great times, travel, invite friends over for laughter. Nothing is guaranteed.

You can't think like that no had a baby at 25 and one at 41. I am 48 now. Each child is precious and just enjoy everyday

Old age isn’t promised to any of us. Don’t waste the present worrying about what might never happen in the future

Please don’t worry. My mum had me at 43 and I’m now 33. I wasn’t able to give her grandkids sadly but she’s in good health and will be around for a while yet. Enjoy your dd.

This is lovely 💜

There are no guarantees in this life. Stop dwelling on might be could be and be thankful for what you have. Which is a child.

My thirteen year old said cheerily today to me and DH "oh, in ten years, you''ll both be in your sixties and I'll be in my twenties!"

We know...

My dad was 30 when I was born and he never saw me as a teenager, my DH's father was in his mid 20s when DH was born and he didn't live long enough to see DH walking. We can't see the future can we and I know someone will talk about averages and likelihood but it doesn't matter if you are the one who is lucky enough to out run the odds or the one who misses out.

I hope you are joking. If not, OP don’t do this! But just to say it’s not unusual for women to purposely wait until they’re 40 to start trying for kids these days. Also many people have kids younger than 40, but still never get to see their children have children. It really is the luck of the draw half the time and all you can do is keep yourself as healthy as possible and hope for the best.

My mum had me at 40. My dad was 42. I had my DD at nearly 32. My dad passed away when DD was 7 but my mum is still around. DD does miss my dad a lot and it makes me sad but he had 7 lovely years with her

I get it, but there are so many variables. My Nana had my Dad when she was 44, he had me at 40 and despite those odds she lived until I was 22! If I'd had a baby as a teenager should would have known that child into primary school potentially. Equally a friend of mine had two kids when she was 28 and 31 and died of cancer before the youngest was two years old. I know it's cliche to say it, but we just don't know what's ahead. Enjoy today.

Same, had my baby at 41 after years of trying, but then I heard about an old friend who died recently at 40 with 2 children under the age of 13

Old age isn’t guaranteed for any of us; enjoy them now and who knows what the future will bring

Listen. My gran was 38 when she had my mum. She passed away at 96. She was the best gran a girl could ever dream of having I have so many fond memories of her. I was 29 when she passed away. She was amazing. You’re still young and it’s not to say your daughter won’t meet someone and have children half your age. My mums just become a gran there at the age of 64.

enjoy of the memories that are to come.

I had my beautiful boy at 40 - he will be 18 later this year. There is no rush for him to have DC - in fact I dont understand this. He and any other DC of that age need time to have their lives. That's what I have spent the last near-20 years trying to do - help them be as independent as they can be and to grow to be fabulous in their careers. I dont care about being a grand-parent - I am just loving being a parent. There is no issue about fairness. They need to live their lives as best and as well as they can (without silly pressure from others).

@Shouldnthaveeatenthatmuchpizza

Please stop beating yourself up about this ❤️

Focus on enjoying your daughter and being a Mum

I was 36 and 39 when mine were born and have friends who were into their 40's and it's quite normal these days for various reasons.

When I had my first at 36 I wasn't that happy being labelled a "gereatric mother" but when I was in hospital I was pleasantly surprised that most of the other new mums were in their 30's and 40's.

Try to stop overthinking it all, people are all living longer these days they say too and so I'm sure that you'll see your grandchildren 💕

I feel the same sometimes- I wish my little girl had more time with my mum. But hey ho she's here.

I have 3 children, DD28, DD20 and DS12 - gaps due to infertility. We only have DS at home full time now and every day I'm grateful for having him. Without him it would just be me and DH the majority of the time and he brings so much fun. He was the surprise baby when I was 40 after fertility treatment with my first two. Be grateful that although you had her later, when she might otherwise have been off at uni, you still have her around.

You don't know what the future holds.

I had all 3 of my kids between my early 20s to late 20s, and have started treatment for an aggressive cancer in my early 30s. My likelihood of making it out of my treatment plan with "no evidence of disease" is around the 60% mark, and in that case my cancer has around a 40% rate of a rapid recurrence.

I used to take for granted that I'd be driving my boys mad when they were in their 50s and myself in my 70s, now I'm aiming for their teens.

I'm being helped and supported massively by my mum and dad, who had me in their early 30s and early 40s, and my youngest sibling at 40 and 50 years old, respectively.

You'll be there for your daughter for as long as you can be, because you are her mum, and that is all any of us can do.

You could have had a child at 20 then died at 21