Telling my 13yo to be home by 8:30pm

[Shoot4theMoon]

It’s winter it’s dark by 7pm, my daughter hangs out with kids who live an hour away on the bus, she has to get the bus there alone and get the bus home alone. She wants to be home for 10pm as her friends can stay out until 10pm but they all live next to each other my daughter has to get the bus alone for an hour then walk almost 1 mile from the bus stop to our house. She said I’m being strict and very unreasonable because I want her home for 8:30pm and she said she would have to get the bus 7:10pm as it comes once an hour and it’s not fair!!! AIBU?????

I wouldn't let my 13yo ds do that, or the bus journey and out till 8.30 in the dark to be honest. I think in the summer when it's light I would expect him home by 7 at the latest. Maybe I'm too strict.

I wouldn't mind her getting home late as a one off but I would not let her walk alone from the bus. I'd either meet up with her on foot or drive and pick up if that is an option. From memory my kids curfews were 9pm at 13, 10pm at 14, 11pm at 15/16. From 17 we haven't had curfews. It also depends on where you live of course. If she has to walk through rough estates or along an empty eerie country road I wouldn't let her come home after dark at all. If it's a safe little town it would be OK.

unless they are at somebodies house my kids need to be home by dark until they are 16-17. There is no way they would be riding a bus and walking a mile in the dark on their own at 13. I may be super strict about these thing but id rather that than them end up in an avoidable situation.

@Growlybear83 if she was going out out then yes but she’s gone to her friend’s house for an afternoon of scrap booking so it was told to me like an afternoon activity. She had no dinner plans. It wasn’t a curfew she just asked what time to be back and I took it to mean she was asking when dinner would be. I have messaged and said she can stay later if there’s food available where she is (eg at the house or she’s ordering dominoes).

if she’d said “I’m going out this evening how late can I be back?” It would have been a totally different conversation. This thread made me realise it may have been a misunderstanding hence me messaging her. She’s an introvert so doesn’t go out very much so I’m just not used to it.

Tell her to shut up or it can be even 7pm and get the 6.10 bus home you're the boss. You're the rules. Its dark and there's weirdos about and her safety comes first.

My 13 year old daughter has gone to see her friends In the next town. From 6pm the buses are hourly. I've asked her to be home for 7pm. I've said 7 as she struggles with anxiety and being able to meet up with her friends is a huge success, so I want her home while it's still light as I know she will get anxious.

I think 8.30 is too late for a 13 year old to be getting home after an hour bus ride and then walking home in the dark. I'd want them home by the time it's dark. If I was picking them up then I'd be happy with a later time on weekends.

Growlybear83

^ all her friends will be new to this too as PP says due to Covid so I don't imagine they will be. It's not unreasonable to want your kid home for meals either.

I'd not be worrying about a 15 year old getting dinner at a certain time. She'd know her self if she was hungry and presumably get something or come home if she was starving. 8 pm isn't even late we frequently don't eat til 8/8.30 and my dc are far younger - surely you cooks just put her portion aside?

It's been more than 2 years since any of that affected dc. It won't be new to most

I'm not sure I follow the logic...if she is out at 7pm when it's dark and 8pm when it's dark then why not 9pm if the problem is that it's dark?

An hour’s bus drive must be quite a distance. The problem with meeting her at the bus stop is that this is most likely not going to be a one-off so I doubt you’ll be wanting to do that on a weekly or even more basis. Personally I wouldn’t have allowed mine to travel that far at that time and at that age.

Well you might as well say it’s dark at 2am so why not let her stay out till then.

If the bus is at 7.10 and comes every hour i'd tell mine to get the 8.10 bus and then walk and meet her at the bus stop about 9pm. My DDs hometime is 9pm which sounds about average for that age in my area so seems like a happy medium.

For me the time isn't the issue, it is the ridiculously long bus ride (thinking how far away my kids would be after an hour on the bus!) And the walk home.
I don't even think I would be keen on my 16 year old son doing that journey totally alone.
If something happens to her can you get to her? Do you drive?

@liveforsummer I’m guessing your 15yo isn’t 5’7” and a size 4 who’d happily skip/forget dinner. No eating disorder just never been fussed about food. Dd2 on the other hand? She’d never miss food so no issue. But like I said, I was caught if guard and didn’t really think it through. At 14 I was off with friends through the fields all day with no care in the world, Dd is just totally different. I don’t really like her hanging out in town for hours. Anyway, she’s now staying for dinner at friend’s house and dh is picking her up later with time tbc but I’ve just said “before df mum gets fed up with her being there”.

My teenager is not quite 5'7 but she is tall and yes she is a size 4. No she doesn't have an eating disorder but surely the solution would be to put her portion aside if she wasn't fed elsewhere? Glad you've sorted it

It's hard. I used to have to be home much earlier than my friends. This meant I wld be walking home alone and I'd try to stay out as late as possible so would have to take some risks cutting through some dodgy parks in the dark on my own.

I wish I'd told my mum this as maybe she wld have let me stay out later. Think I was too scared to admit I'd come through the park on my own though.

It is very early though for her. I wouldn't let her stay out until 10pm though either. Maybe 9ish and she can get bus back about 8pm and I'd meet her at bus stop to walk home. Ideally if u cld do a pick up I'd pick her up at 9pm or maybe 9.30pm instead.

It's not though is it? She wouldnt be sleeping for long for starters 🤓

Are you or her dad unable to pick her up, OP?

Time with friends is really important at that age, and I would have done everything possible to facilitate it. However, I agree that I wouldn't have been happy with a 13yo travelling home alone on the bus late at night.

It's pretty normal for parents to play taxi driver at that age, isn't it?

An hour bus might not be that far away. My nearest town is 15/20 minutes away, but the bus takes nearly an hour. It wanders around the houses a lot.

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but it is not winter. By all metrics we are in spring.

The time seems slightly late to me for a thirteen year old, but that's a minor ussue. The bus journey wouldn't bother me too much - though i would want a call to say she was safely on the bus - but the walk home from the bus stop sure as hell would bother me!

Why do her friends live far away?
Personally I'd do my best to pick mine up in that situation if I could, even if it was some of the time.

This makes me very uncomfortable. It doesn't feel
safe.

YANBU.

I wouldn't allow her on a service bus alone at that time tbh.