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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think a lot of people assume miscarriages aren't that painful?

72 replies

Greenvelvetdress · 01/04/2023 10:29

I know that it's like anything if you've not experienced it but the amount of people that tell you 'it's just like a period' when they have absolutely no idea what it's like.

I had no idea before I had my first miscarriage how long and drawn out they are, the need for surgery etc. Hoping to just raise some awareness about this.

OP posts:
Scuttlingherbert · 01/04/2023 12:32

Agreed. I definitely think the portrayal on TV and films doesn't help
I remember seeking out miscarriage storylines on familiar TV shows after mine and there's barely any (for something that happens to 1 in 4 women). There was one in King of Queens where she just says to her husband "I felt weird so I went to the doctor" and that's as much detail as we get.

In Sex and the City Charlotte's husband just says "it went away."

There are better ones in Fleabag and Firefly Lane where they are at least honest about the blood.

I have extremely painful periods and my miscarriages were both early so they were kind of similar to periods for me but the blood shot out more initially and I had weird other pains - first time I had an unbearable headache just on one side a couple of hours before the bleeding and the second time I had terrible pain in my jaw and ear on one side. I haven't read any literature confirming it but I believe they're related. I also think the embryo came out the next time I ovulated (I reckon it had been outside of my uterus) and I've never heard of that happening to anyone else. I think I felt more exhausted and faint but it's hard to separate out the emotional impact.

Hope you're ok.

Attictroll · 01/04/2023 13:00

In fairness it probably varies a lot - I had one just like a period and another where things got stuck and I was hospitalised 😞

Daisyinthegrass · 01/04/2023 14:18

I had a miscarriage when I was 19. I was about 8 and a half weeks pregnant. There wasn't much pain but there was a lot of blood loss (I used to have heavy periods but this was much, much heavier with large blood clots). I don't get period pain but I did have cramping in my lower abdomen with the miscarriage. The cramping wasn't bad, I didn't need any pain relief, but I noticed it because it is something I never experience (to this day I'm fortunate to say I have never had a painful period or period cramps).

I was a student nurse on placement with the health visitor when it started. I was on a visit to an organisation, seeing what service they provided when I started bleeding - writing that now, I'm just grateful I wasn't on a home visit bleeding over some new mum's sofa. I made a mess there leaking blood. It was a service which provided accommodation to homeless mums. We were in the kitchen, sitting at the dining table and the the woman who ran the house was explaining the service they provided. She answered the phone which was behind me. I just remember, and I still remember it now, her patting me on the shoulder, I turned around and she pointed at the chair where there was a stream of blood running off the back of it. I was 19 and absolutely mortified. I left and phoned my mentor whom I should have been joining that afternoon, I told her I'd come down with a cold and wouldn't be in for the rest of the week. It was a Wednesday. I went home and went to bed. Getting up just caused me to flood everywhere so it was easier to stay in bed and just get up when I had to. I spent two days bleeding very heavily. It had settled massively by the Friday evening, so much so that I was able to meet up with friends (including the man whose baby it was - he never knew of the pregnancy or subsequent miscarriage) and I was back on placement on the Monday.

I didn't even think anything of it (even being on placement with newborns) for many years. Now though, almost 18 years later, I do think about it from time to time and occasionally I get a little weepy about it now. I've never told anyone about it in real life though. I feel guilty now about the fact that I didn't feel upset at the time. My only feelings at the time were utter embarrassment about bleeding like that and leaking everywhere in front of people including a fellow student nurse (she was at a different university but both universities had placements in the same area - I dreaded seeing her on placement) and frustration that I was still bleeding the following week when the 'father' (I still don't really know what to call him - we were only ever just friends) was moving away so I didn't get to sleep with him again.

I have cared for women having miscarriages and have seen the wide range of experiences they have gone through and the emotional effect it has often had on them in subsequent pregnancies.

(Sorry, I've written way more than I intended to).

IAmInMeHoop · 01/04/2023 14:22

Greenvelvetdress · 01/04/2023 10:29

I know that it's like anything if you've not experienced it but the amount of people that tell you 'it's just like a period' when they have absolutely no idea what it's like.

I had no idea before I had my first miscarriage how long and drawn out they are, the need for surgery etc. Hoping to just raise some awareness about this.

But they aren't always very painful. And they aren't always long and drawn out and they aren't always requireing surgery.

You;re really doing what you're complaining about....not understanding and assuming.

I've had many, They are all different, from painless and quick to life threatening and endless. It's not one size fits all.

GodSaveTheClean · 01/04/2023 14:27

I had one the day before my three month scan. The pain was incredible and I had to be hospitalised. I’ll never forget how it felt. I knew exactly what was passing and when.

It can be brutal.

CC4712 · 01/04/2023 14:56

Sorry for everyones losses Flowers

Its a generalisation to say they they are all painful though or everyone has a massive haemorrhage. Each and every pregnancy and MC is different. I assumed beforehand that my pain threshold was pretty poor- but this was experience of 3 losses (no other pregnancies).

12 weeks- TFMR so given medical management. Side effects of the pills were the worst part. Having waters break which I just wasn't expecting. Going back- I wish I'd asked for something stronger than paracetamol- and that was only for the raging fever from the pills.

7 weeks- had spotting but no pain- so went to work. MC on the bathroom floor- still no pain. Bleeding was indeed like a regular period and next cycle was exactly a month after the MC.

9 weeks- started spotting and didn't pass MC till 48hrs later. Uncomfortable, but bearable with over the counter codeine/paracetamol.

Oigetoffmylawn · 01/04/2023 15:05

I think it's a spectrum though like most things. I've had 2 miscarriages. 1 was exactly like a period and the other slightly heavier and a little more painful than a period (but my periods are light and painless).

Friends have mainly shared similar experiences, with one or two exceptions.

I appreciate that sometimes they're worse though and some require medical intervention. Sorry for your loss.

TheOrigRights · 01/04/2023 15:08

Do you think that some people are referring to when they have a very heavy period and consider that it was in fact a miscarriage? I mean when your period is a few days late, or you have erratic cycles and then what seems like a very heavy period, but manageable and they think it might have been a pregnancy.

So many pregnancies end before the woman even suspected she was pregnant.

ChekhovsMum · 01/04/2023 15:15

And this is why people need to talk about miscarriage - I’ve just had my third, all under 8 weeks, and all three were like a very heavy period with no more than a backache, but I didn’t realise it could be as bad as other posters have described before about 10 weeks. Guess I was very fortunate. I’m sorry to hear of everyone’s losses.

BertieBotts · 01/04/2023 15:15

No, I don't think people consider those things miscarriages. If they do they usually counter it with I'm not sure but I think I had a miscarriage on such and such. Unless they are exaggerating for sympathy or something.

SwishSwishBisch · 01/04/2023 15:24

I was absolutely unprepared for the pain in my MC at 12 weeks. Everything I was told by HPs after it was diagnosed and even on here was to expect a heavy period. The reality was that it was unbearable pain. We were so uninformed and unprepared my H at the time was so worried he called 111, who sent an ambulance!

There’s seemingly such a huge variance in symptoms, I’m sure other women at my stage will have had very different experiences. But for that reason, I do think the more painful outcomes should be discussed more at the very least so women can be prepared should it happen to them.

fliptopbin · 01/04/2023 15:43

So sad to realise that other women have had this experience too. I miscarried at 10 weeks at the height of the pandemic. DH was working a nightshift so I was alone for most of it with my teenage children upstairs. I was really scared because I wasn't expecting it to hurt so much. I was scared to make any noise despite having full on contractions, and I felt I couldn't waste NHS time on a 1st trimester miscarriage during the pandemic.

I never told anyone how much it hurt,not even my DH, because until I read this I thought I was just being pathetic, and I was actually ashamed of myself for not coping better. The whole pandemic thing totally fucked with my head, and I was thinking I was pathetic being upset about a miscarriage and "imagining" pain when people were dying.
Thankfully I didn't have any complications, as I didn't even see my GP about it, I just cancelled my scan appointment and never heard from anyone again.
I do really think that it is something that needs to be talked about, as it was the loneliest night of my life, and until reading this I thought I was the only person who had been through this.

Snowjokes · 01/04/2023 15:57

I didn’t have any pain with mine, but did end up in hospital for a week with multiple blood transfusions. I didn’t really realise how much pain many women go through, until I was quizzed by every passing nurse as to whether I needed pain medication, with surprise clear each time I said no!

ghlily · 01/04/2023 16:00

Currently experience this. My waters broke on Tuesday at 16 weeks, so I was in labour. The pain was terrible. Also still having very strong abdominal cramps. I think most people have no concept of how painful the experience can be.

Greenvelvetdress · 01/04/2023 16:34

I understand what posters are saying about they're all different and some are 'just like periods.'

However my personal experience is that the people who've said that to me, have never experienced one and have no idea what it's like.

I also think the language used is important, I was told by a doctor yesterday 'it would be just like a period' despite the fact this is my third and she has no idea that's what it would be like.

From this thread it appears women are made to under estimate the pain of a miscarriage far more than the other way around and have no idea that other women are going through this too.

OP posts:
Greenvelvetdress · 01/04/2023 16:36

@fliptopbin I am so sorry this was your experience 💕 and you were in so much pain on your own.

You'd think that even cancelling a scan would trigger someone to make a phonecall to make sure you're okay (I know NHS cuts etc) but I am really glad I made this thread and you've seen that you're not alone.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 01/04/2023 16:39

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had an early miscarriage and it was like a heavy period.

FictionalCharacter · 01/04/2023 16:41

Very sorry for your losses.
I do think the medical profession are partly to blame because they will often say that a mc is like a heavy period. It’s just one of those things they trot out.

useitorlose · 01/04/2023 16:49

I started to bleed at 10 weeks and it had never felt right (2nd pregnancy, had DD already). By the second day, I was cramping heavily, passing so much blood and tissue that I DH had to call 999. I was in and out of consciousness at home and in the ambulance and I ended up with a blood transfusion and then an ERPC the next day. So no, not a heavy period at all. Fortunately, I went on to have DD2, and without that horrendous experience, she wouldn't be here.

elliejjtiny · 01/04/2023 16:54

So sorry OP. I had horrendous pain and clots so big I thought my womb had fallen out. It was definitely as bad as labour although I didn't get the burning feeling at the end because the baby was so tiny. I was 12 weeks.

CassTheFox · 01/04/2023 17:01

We found out our baby had no heartbeat at our 12 week scan. Midwife sent me home and said I “might experience some period pain like cramps.”

Miscarried at home a week later at 13 weeks. Saying the pain was “like period cramps” was a bit like saying getting a paper cut is like having your arm mauled by a tiger. And the blood loss was so horrific, I bled through 4 large bath towels.

It’s an awful thing to go through, sorry to everyone who has been there ❤️

Nailsandthesea · 01/04/2023 17:08

Iamnotaloggrip · 01/04/2023 10:54

Agree op. I’ve had three and needed hospital care each time. I was expecting it to be like a heavy period (I knew all mine were coming before they happened) but they all completely floored me. Awful.

Sorry for your loss x

I’ve had 5 and all 5 times had to go into hospital infections, D and C, the lot - horrid all under 10 weeks - vile time of my life

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