To feel uncomfortable when non-family members fuss over baby?

babypanther · 2023-03-31T14:40:43+00:00

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable when people outside their family want to kiss/cuddle their baby? I am obviously perfectly happy letting grandparents, aunts and uncles hold my baby and cuddle her etc as long (as she seems content and isn’t crying). But my MIL’s partner is constantly all over my baby, if she’s sleeping he will pick her up and wake her up, even if I’m holding her he will come over and get up close to her and start trying to play with her or kissing her whilst she’s in my arms. Once she had just fallen asleep in her Moses basket after we’d been trying to settle her for a while, he picked her up and started bouncing her to wake her up - when I said I’d just got her down for a nap he said “if you keep her awake now she’ll sleep better at night”. He is a nice guy but something about it just doesn’t sit right with me. My MIL doesn’t seem to notice it and I think she’s the only person he would listen to. I don’t know how to bring it up to my partner or MIL, without causing a scene or upsetting my MIL, as he isn’t technically doing anything wrong, it just makes me uneasy, I can’t explain it. Am I being overprotective or is it a maternal instinct?

qwertykeyboards · 31/03/2023 15:42

I don’t think him not being a “family member” is the issue here. It’s him constantly disturbing her when she’s asleep.

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 31/03/2023 15:43

No, but that’s not really what you’re concerned about is it.

IAmInMeHoop · 31/03/2023 15:44

Waking up sleeping babies is a bad thing whether it's your sister or your mil's husbands dogs cousin.

Being interested in and nice to a baby is a good thing whether it's your...etc etc.

What does family relationship have to do with it?

Boltonb · 31/03/2023 15:46

Well he is doing something wrong - he’s waking your sleeping baby. Just say “please don’t disturb her, she’s asleep” when he approaches and she’s asleep. What’s the big problem with doing that?

Outandup · 31/03/2023 15:46

Speak to your partner and get him on board before the resentment builds. Or simply trot out the old saying “never wake a sleeping baby please” assertively as you can.

It seems though like you feel he is taking too much interest in your baby than is healthy for a non-relative? Speak to your partner, learn to be assertive, and never leave baby smoke with him.

Outandup · 31/03/2023 15:47

alone not smoke

Xjshdvf · 31/03/2023 15:47

My father in law is like this; he just doesn’t pick up on cues or me being polite so I’ve had to be a bit more (politely) forceful; saying no when he tries to take her from me or telling him not to pick her up when she’s asleep and stepping in front of him to stop him.

SBHon · 31/03/2023 16:05

I think it’s got less to do with him being ‘non family’ and more to do with him being someone who it doesn’t sound like you particularly like?

And the waking a sleeping baby thing is obviously wrong. The solution to stopping that is your DP/you being assertive, as awkward as that would be.

Autienotnautie · 31/03/2023 16:14

Regardless of relationship I wouldn't want anyone crowding/ waking my baby. I'd ask him not to in the moment and keep asking till he gets it.

Original poster

babypanther · 31/03/2023 16:19

Outandup · 31/03/2023 15:46

Speak to your partner and get him on board before the resentment builds. Or simply trot out the old saying “never wake a sleeping baby please” assertively as you can.

It seems though like you feel he is taking too much interest in your baby than is healthy for a non-relative? Speak to your partner, learn to be assertive, and never leave baby smoke with him.

You’ve hit the nail on the head, I think it is the fact that he is quite full on with my baby when (in the nicest way possible) she isn’t actually his grandchild. I don’t know him that well and I just think he doesn’t seem to respect my boundaries. If he was the grandfather I would understand but I personally wouldn’t be that full on with someone’s child especially if they weren’t a relative of mine.

I hate conflict and don’t want to make a scene or for him to turn it on me and say I’m overreacting etc.. I will have to try and mention it to my partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

babypanther · 31/03/2023 16:23

I agree with PPs about not waking a sleeping baby and that I could mention that, but it’s also the always kissing her, picking her up without asking etc..

OP posts:

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 31/03/2023 16:25

He's not picking up on any polite cues so you take the baby back off him and put her back down EVERY TIME he does this until it stops being an issue. This is lot acceptable regardless of who is doing it. You need to. E your babies voice and it's not fair she is being constantly woken- she is not there to entertain him and he has no say in questioning any of your decisions such as when baby sleeps

Hbh17 · 31/03/2023 16:25

What makes a "family member" so special? People are either appropriate with the baby or they're not, and that has nothing to do with whether they're a relative.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2023 16:27

Well you're wrong about him not doing anything wrong. He is, because he shouldn't be waking her up when he parents have said not to. Also how old is she? She can get very very poorly from the herpes virus as well as normal germs.

So start there. If he comes towards her when she's sleeping, stand in front of him and block him and say "no waking her up". Whatever he argues back, say "I've said no".

If you're holding her, pull your arm up to cover her more and turn away, saying "not right now Bill" and walk away.

If he pushes it, stop visiting. Nanny can comes and her at yours.

SBHon · 31/03/2023 16:28

she isn’t actually his grandchild. I don’t know him that well and I just think he doesn’t seem to respect my boundaries. If he was the grandfather I would understand
How long have him and your MIL been together? Does your DP know him well? If he’s your MILs long term partner then he’s quite similar to being a grandfather.

You don’t have to be related to enjoy children’s company or to be good with kids. Think about your friends for example; they’re not related to you but may still dote on your child.

Having said that though if you’re not comfortable with him kissing her or picking up up then it’s absolutely ok that you put boundaries in place to stop it. He needs to act in a way you’re comfortable with, regardless of whether you count him as ‘family’ or not.

35965a · 31/03/2023 16:29

He absolutely is doing something wrong, who picks up a sleeping baby? Fucking horrible thing to do, babies need sleep. Nobody should be kissing someone else’s baby either. Stand up for yourself and your child.

lottieb92 · 31/03/2023 16:31

It certainly sounds more like trust other Than them being related or not. But I agree any non relative kissing or hugging my baby Id feel a bit uneasy!! Holding fine… but kissing is just completely no.
forward articles about poorly babies who have been hospitalised via infection/kisses from adults who had no business kissing them! Then tell everyone you think it’s best that stops now.

tell them she’s on a new routine now she’s not a newborn/ do not touch her when she’s sleeping.
set the boundaries up now before they get worse 🤞🏻

most of all trust your instinct. He could just be a genuinely nice and caring baby enthusiast… but if you feel uncomfortable don’t put up with it.

JenniferBarkley · 31/03/2023 16:37

No one should be picking up a sleeping baby! Feel free to correct that, he's in the wrong there.

Wrt his relationship with her - he clearly isn't a father figure to your DH which is fine, but it seems likely he will be a grandfather type figure to your daughter if she'll be seeing him with MIL. You might want to untangle your feelings on that one and separate the two roles. If he calms down with the sleep interrupting it may well be lovely for her to have another grandparent.

girlfriend44 · 31/03/2023 21:46

babypanther · 31/03/2023 16:19

You’ve hit the nail on the head, I think it is the fact that he is quite full on with my baby when (in the nicest way possible) she isn’t actually his grandchild. I don’t know him that well and I just think he doesn’t seem to respect my boundaries. If he was the grandfather I would understand but I personally wouldn’t be that full on with someone’s child especially if they weren’t a relative of mine.

I hate conflict and don’t want to make a scene or for him to turn it on me and say I’m overreacting etc.. I will have to try and mention it to my partner.

Show quote history

You don't like him basically. Be thankful your daughters got lots of people who love her.
No he shouldn't wake her up but honestly your mean Complaining about him
Lots of people like babies.
If he wasn't interested then you might say he dosent seem to like my baby. People just can't win at times.

dottypotter · 31/03/2023 21:58

babypanther · 31/03/2023 16:19

You’ve hit the nail on the head, I think it is the fact that he is quite full on with my baby when (in the nicest way possible) she isn’t actually his grandchild. I don’t know him that well and I just think he doesn’t seem to respect my boundaries. If he was the grandfather I would understand but I personally wouldn’t be that full on with someone’s child especially if they weren’t a relative of mine.

I hate conflict and don’t want to make a scene or for him to turn it on me and say I’m overreacting etc.. I will have to try and mention it to my partner.

Show quote history

So only true blood grandparents can enjoys a baby's company. Jeez.

Yellowdays · 31/03/2023 22:10

Your problem is yourself-you don't like conflict. You have a child now, so you have to learn to protect her. Tell him to leave her, please , she's sleeping. If he ignores you , DO make an issue of it. Insist, and show you are displeased. That's your job.

Maray1967 · 31/03/2023 22:13

SleepingStandingUp · 31/03/2023 16:27

Well you're wrong about him not doing anything wrong. He is, because he shouldn't be waking her up when he parents have said not to. Also how old is she? She can get very very poorly from the herpes virus as well as normal germs.

So start there. If he comes towards her when she's sleeping, stand in front of him and block him and say "no waking her up". Whatever he argues back, say "I've said no".

If you're holding her, pull your arm up to cover her more and turn away, saying "not right now Bill" and walk away.

If he pushes it, stop visiting. Nanny can comes and her at yours.

Exactly this, Stand your ground. No one picked up my sleeping baby!!

AngelDelightUK · 31/03/2023 22:18

He is a family member though! I assumed you meant complete strangers. Yes he shouldn’t be waking her up, but he is family

Fairislefandango · 31/03/2023 22:20

He is family. Besides, do you think your baby minds whether people are blood relations or not?

BreatheAndFocus · 31/03/2023 22:55

He sounds overbearing - purposely waking your baby then lecturing you about it. Hard if he’s your MIL’s partner, but you do need to say something. If you can’t, just stop visiting so much and when you’re there make sure you don’t give him any opportunity to kiss her or wake her.

He must see you’re uneasy, so he’s doing it on purpose or can’t control his enthusiasm because he’s only thinking about himself not your baby. One snapped remark to him should put him in his place hopefully.