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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to refuse baby gifts from MIL?

36 replies

mayemeralds · 31/03/2023 11:03

Sorry this is a very long one.

Backstory - my husband was brought up by his dad from age 0. He has always had a tough relationship with his mum, although things had got better in recent years and they were in regular contact. I got on very well with her. We saw her at least once or twice a month.

My husband and I had our first baby last year. We struggled, our baby had various issues and cried a lot. I suffered badly with PND.

My MIL met our baby once age 2 weeks old, and then made no contact again for several weeks. She knew we were finding it hard and that I had PND but made no attempt to get in touch. Our son is her first and only grandchild.

When our son turned 4 months old MIL messaged to say she wanted to buy us a jumperoo. This was the first we had heard from her since our baby was 2 weeks old. My husband declined (we already had one anyway) and asked why she hasn’t made any effort to get in touch. They got in to an argument, she got very nasty, and they haven’t spoken since - my baby is now nearly 1 year old.

My issue is, she keeps sending gifts through the post. Nothing major, just little things. At Halloween she sent him a Halloween vest, at Christmas she sent him a reindeer teddy and this morning we have just received a “my first Easter” bauble from her.

Every time we receive these gifts I feel incredibly angry and almost disrespected. I feel like she is sending the gifts to clear her conscience. So that if anyone asks she can say she sends gifts but we don’t appreciate it. But all we’ve ever wanted is for her to care and want to spend time with her grandson.

So I guess what I’m asking advice for is:

Am I being ungrateful for the gifts?

And should I message her? I want to ask her to please stop sending gifts as it’s like a slap round the face. Like she’s trying to buy his affection. I hate confrontation though.

Any advice is welcome, thank you 💙

As a side note my mum passed away when I was 14 so she is the only grandmother he has.

OP posts:

Vermin · 31/03/2023 11:04

This isn’t your issue, it’s your husband’s. The only person whose opinion on the subject that matters is his.

FullBloom · 31/03/2023 11:07

A generous view might be that the gifts are intended as an olive branch. But it's your husband's issue, not yours.

Original poster

mayemeralds · 31/03/2023 11:07

@Vermin ok I guess I'm asking opinions on both of our behalf. My husband doesn't know what to do either, he feels very upset about it all.

OP posts:

FullBloom · 31/03/2023 11:08

Well, what is the outcome you'd both like? Is it to have her in your lives, ideally with a more functional relationship? Or is it to have her out of your lives?

Is there a reason your husband can't speak to her since the row?

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 31/03/2023 11:10

Sometimes in life and as we get older we have to come to realise that just because someone was biologically our parent doesn’t mean they are going to fulfil that role like society expects.

It is really hard to come to terms with this but clearly she didn’t play a mother role so what makes you think she will know how to be a grandmother?

I would say just accept it for what it is, don’t over play it or under play it. Don’t worry about what you think she says to other people about being a grandmother.

But do have clear boundaries, don’t make her out to be more important than she acts to your child. I would just say to your child that she is daddy’s mummy but we don’t see her much, if they ask. Children bond with the people who make an effort with them anyway so the child won’t inherit your disappointment.

Spidey66 · 31/03/2023 11:14

As it seems the gifts are low value, I'd accept them with good grace, though I understand why you're upset. If they were expensive I'd be more angry, like she was trying to buy her way into your affections.

A generous interpretation is that on hindsight she realises she's missed out on her sons life, and doesn't want to do the same for her grandchild. But only she knows.

Beamur · 31/03/2023 11:14

I'll assume there was a good reason for your DH being brought up by his Dad.
Given the lack of relationship here, the gift sending is probably a token effort by the estranged Mum to be in contact.
However, I can empathise that as a recipient, it feels more like a reminder each time of how crap that relationship actually is.
I'm in a similar situation with my Dad and actually find his attempts to engage with me very irritating.
Any attempt to reason with the Mum here isn't likely to work and will probably just irritate you all further - plus, she may perversely quite enjoy any drama and use it to justify how poorly she is treated.
My advice would be to either put the gifts away and at some point in the future have a conversation with your child about the situation with their Grandma. Or to regift them.
Then either a simple acknowledgement of the gift if you want to accept the token or none at all if you want to stay LC or NC.

Fleabea · 31/03/2023 11:16

It's your husbands issue so it's his opinion on this that is most important.

Personally, if there is some form of amicable relationship between them (which it sounds like there is) then I would just accept the gifts with a polite 'thank you'. It's not worth rocking the boat. However if the relationship is acrimonious and husband does not want any form of relationship with her then I would consider saying something (but this should come from husband)

Vermin · 31/03/2023 11:17

Ah ok. I’d be inclined to keep any opinions of your own very quiet when he discusses it. I’d guess it’s her way of trying to apologise but whatever led to her walking out on a baby (or being kept from a baby - does your husband even have her version of the story?) is pretty major stuff. Small gifts might be a tolerable way for her to say a limited sorry for massive pain, without actually being too involved or intrusive. As long as she doesn’t expect the Easter bauble to lead to a meeting (& having only met the baby once it doesn’t sound like she does), I’d be inclined to go along with it. She’s not really grandma though, and unlikely ever to become so.

parietal · 31/03/2023 11:24

just put the gifts to one side and ignore them.

the bigger questions is - do you want to have a relationship with MIL or not? and what kind of relationship do you want that to be?

if you message to say 'thanks for the gift, would you like to meet for coffee and see baby' would she say 'yes please' and you have a polite meeting? Or would that start an argument?

If your relationship with her is coffee at a neutral location once or twice year, that would be a way to test the waters and see if she can build to more. but if she argues with that or pushes boundaries, then you could step back.

it seems like expectations should stay low on both sides - if you dont expect her to be a kind loving grandparent who helps out, and if she doesn't expect you to be at her beck&call, then it might be possible to have a low-contact but not hostile relationship.

Hellno45 · 31/03/2023 11:38

I don't know the full story but I wonder if she finds having a grandson triggering. You say OH dad raised him from birth. Could it be that the lack of involvement is not about your baby? Maybe she is as involved as she feels capable of.

Rollerpiggy · 31/03/2023 11:40

Charity shop them. Or alternatively write “not known at this address, please return to sender” and pop back in
the post box.

Starlitestarbright · 31/03/2023 11:43

Ironically have you maybe considered the fact your dh dad raised him from 0 that his own mother suffered with pnd?

TomatoFrog · 31/03/2023 11:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 31/03/2023 11:46

Do you and your DH make any effort to keep in touch with her? It works two ways.

picklemewalnuts · 31/03/2023 11:46

I'd say his mum was triggered by your baby. She was unable to stay with her own baby, built a relationship with him as an adult, and is having to confront her own experiences as a mum.

I'd imagine that's really hard and she has no idea how to handle it.

She sees you struggling with PND, what advice can she offer?
Check out, run away, come back when the baby's an adult!
Don't worry, you can do this! I couldn't but you can!

PatchworkElmer · 31/03/2023 11:49

No, do not message her- this is for your husband to deal (or not deal) with as he sees fit.

We’re in a similar situation, NC with MIL and she does send gifts for DC. We basically ‘winged it’- it ended up that when they were very small we used the gifts, but once they were pre-school age we felt it could be upsetting/ cause more issues for them, so we don’t hand them over. I keep all gifts and will show them to DC when they’re older- at the moment they’ve not asked about ‘Daddy’s parents’ but when they do, I kind of see the gifts as part of the evolution of that conversation. I wouldn’t get rid of them, they’re gifts for DC and DC will decide what happens to them. If they were big and bulky I might feel differently!

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 31/03/2023 11:51

Rollerpiggy · 31/03/2023 11:40

Charity shop them. Or alternatively write “not known at this address, please return to sender” and pop back in
the post box.

Would you really return to sender? That would be a passive aggressive way of saying they want nothing more to do with her and it sounds unnecessary and drastic at this point.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 31/03/2023 11:53

But all we’ve ever wanted is for her to care and want to spend time with her grandson.

Is this what your husband still wants?

deveronvalley · 31/03/2023 11:54

This is really tough without knowing the ins and outs of the backstory and how nasty she got when your husband asked about her lack of contact. She might not have a clue how to be a 'good' granny.

Not all grandparents are interested in day-to-day support, some do prefer to swoop in for 'occasions' - I have a pretty warm relationship with my parents, they live rurally about 15 mins drive from my town but they posted their only grandson a birthday card last year, they would have had to drive into my town and just a few streets away from my house to the postbox! They visit a couple of times a year and we reciprocate but I always have to invite myself to theirs and they are definitely losing interest within a couple of hours. My son is not upset by this, this is the type of relationship he is used to and we just laugh about how they're a bit weird sometimes but they do love us really!

I would think just accept the gifts and take it at face value - a grandmother wanting to send a small token for Christmas or Easter is totally normal; the rest of it might not be normal/ideal but that bit is at least. Your son will be perfectly happy with his lovely parents and a weird postal granny! Try not to take it to heart yourself x

Hazelnuttella · 31/03/2023 11:57

The best thing you can do is not allow it to take up your headspace.

You can’t change other people’s behaviour, you can only change your own. I can’t see how any good can come of contacting her over the gifts.

Try to convince yourself that you don’t care whether or not she sends gifts, and eventually you’ll realise that you have genuinely stopped caring.

Wakeywake · 31/03/2023 12:22

Your husband and MIL haven't got a regular mother-son relationship, so it makes sense that your son won't have a regular grandmother - grandson relationship with her.

Help with the baby is what mothers provide, not what you expect from someone who hasn't been an active presence in your lives all that long and you only see now and then.

I'd say accept the gifts for what they are, a small gesture from a relative, and don't expect your mil to suddenly become what she is not.

IAmInMeHoop · 31/03/2023 12:24

Vermin · 31/03/2023 11:04

This isn’t your issue, it’s your husband’s. The only person whose opinion on the subject that matters is his.

Fuck that! OP doesn't exist?

BatsHaveButtcheeks · 31/03/2023 13:05

What did you realistically want from her?

You had bad PND and your baby had issues, which you say she was aware of. Maybe she thought she would give you space, given she only reconnected with her son as an adult, would her support (if offered) be accepted? Or would she be accused of not leaving you alone/respecting boundaries? (as many, many MILs on here are).

Communication is 2 way. Your husband could have reached out to her too, to let her know how baby/you were, or if he wanted her support.

You also say she was in contact 2 weeks after birth, then again after several weeks - but also nothing until 4 months?

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 31/03/2023 13:25

If it's causing your DH or you to be upset - stop trying to encourage a relationship between his M and your DC and bin the gifts.
Your DC will grow up happier with a happy dad.

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