To want to refuse baby gifts from MIL?

[mayemeralds]

Sorry this is a very long one.

Backstory - my husband was brought up by his dad from age 0. He has always had a tough relationship with his mum, although things had got better in recent years and they were in regular contact. I got on very well with her. We saw her at least once or twice a month.

My husband and I had our first baby last year. We struggled, our baby had various issues and cried a lot. I suffered badly with PND.

My MIL met our baby once age 2 weeks old, and then made no contact again for several weeks. She knew we were finding it hard and that I had PND but made no attempt to get in touch. Our son is her first and only grandchild.

When our son turned 4 months old MIL messaged to say she wanted to buy us a jumperoo. This was the first we had heard from her since our baby was 2 weeks old. My husband declined (we already had one anyway) and asked why she hasn’t made any effort to get in touch. They got in to an argument, she got very nasty, and they haven’t spoken since - my baby is now nearly 1 year old.

My issue is, she keeps sending gifts through the post. Nothing major, just little things. At Halloween she sent him a Halloween vest, at Christmas she sent him a reindeer teddy and this morning we have just received a “my first Easter” bauble from her.

Every time we receive these gifts I feel incredibly angry and almost disrespected. I feel like she is sending the gifts to clear her conscience. So that if anyone asks she can say she sends gifts but we don’t appreciate it. But all we’ve ever wanted is for her to care and want to spend time with her grandson.

So I guess what I’m asking advice for is:

Am I being ungrateful for the gifts?

And should I message her? I want to ask her to please stop sending gifts as it’s like a slap round the face. Like she’s trying to buy his affection. I hate confrontation though.

Any advice is welcome, thank you 💙

As a side note my mum passed away when I was 14 so she is the only grandmother he has.

I don’t think it’s an issue tbh. The gifts, I mean. They’re fine. The issue is your husband’s relationship with his mum. I don’t think you should be attaching intent or motivation to them…they are only tokens.

I mean really, unless you want to get involved and be a third party in this two way relationship, just let the wee presents go over your head. Your input isn’t essential is it?

Since it has always beena difficult relationship between your DH and his mother, it isn't surprising that it continues to be. If he wants to have a relationship with his mother and wants baby to be part of that, he has to accept who she is and has always been and be reasonable in his expectations. She isn't going to become grandma of the year after never being able to even be a decent mother.
I get he has never lost hope that at some point she will become the mother he needed and wanted but the reality of that happening is very very slim. There is no point in going through repeated cycles of hurt and disappointment and resentment. He either needs to find a way to accept what she is capable of giving (sees baby twice a years and sends gifts) and have his own boundaries in place or just stop contact again.

I'd put them in a box and your son can decide what to do with them when he's older. Just chuck them in the loft.

It's a best, a teddy and a bauble. Let the kid have them now, why would you put them away until he's older?

This, Well put

Because she doesn't want them so I was suggesting something other than chucking them out.

If she didn't bring up your DH herself, maybe she had bad PND and has found the birth of a grandchild triggering? What was her own upbringing like? Maybe she feels a huge guilt that she didnt raise your DH herself and feels she has no right to become close to a grandchild?
If your DH agrees, why not offer to meet her with your DH and baby on neutral ground for coffee or lunch and see what she says. If she declines without good reason then you know where you both stand.

It strikes me tha your baby's birth has been triggering for both your DH and your MIL. He managed to forgive her for leaving him when he was a baby (which was obviously the biggest sin) but now he cannot forgive her a lack of attention to his child and I presume she must gone through some dreadful problem to have abandoned her child as she did and the dgc has brought back the memory of those times.

This!!

She might feel very awkward about offering her grandchild time and attention when she clearly didn't do the same for his father. As others have said, it also might be triggering if they had no relationship when he was small, or if PND played a part in their estrangement. I don't know if you know much about the reasons she was an absent parent, but whatever the reason, it's bound to colour how she feels about active grandparenting.
Have you explicitly invited her to visit? She might need to be sure that she is welcome. If you would like her to visit, then make that really clear, perhaps when thanking her for the gifts.