Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want to be with someone who drinks?

46 replies

CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 20:05

I don’t drink at all and I haven’t done for years now because I don’t like the way it makes people act sometimes and I don’t like not feeling in control of myself or feeling drunk etc (I’m late 20’s).

I recently started dating someone (towards the end of last year) but I’m starting to realise that their drinking habits are really starting to annoy me and it’s becoming more frequent. They are a bit younger than me (early to mid 20’s) so they like going out for a drink with their mates (they don’t have an alcohol problem, they just have a group of friends that are a bad influence) but it makes them act like a complete idiot most of the time because I personally think they can’t handle their drink. For example, they’ve passed out and injured themselves before, they usually attract drama whilst they are on a night out and nearly every time they go out and get drunk they’ll disappear for 1-2 days afterwards and I don’t hear from them at all because they are having to literally recover from it all.

They know my attitude towards drinking and they’ve said they’ll cut back a few times but then when they get around a certain group of people it all starts happening again. I’ve started to notice they just have quite a chaotic life in general (they hardly eat, they hardly sleep, very unorganised) whereas I’m the complete opposite and thrive off consistency and routine.

I know that I can’t control what they do but AIBU to not want to be with someone who drinks alcohol like this or am I overreacting and just being a kill joy?

OP posts:

TinySaltLick · 30/03/2023 20:08

I think if this is real you know the answer. It sounds like you aren't overly compatible right now in a number of ways.

Original poster

CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 20:09

@TinySaltLick it is real why wouldn’t it be? I think because I have such a strict way about alcohol because I have responsibilities (a child etc) am I being too harsh? Seeing as they are younger than me and they don’t have any of those responsibilities at home

OP posts:

Thursdayschild7 · 30/03/2023 20:10

Drugs.

WeeBitOfWoo · 30/03/2023 20:11

You’re not compatible. He won’t change and you have your limits. I’d end the relationship.

HelenaHurricane · 30/03/2023 20:11

He/she/they sounds chaotic and immature. I wouldn't date someone like that. So yanbu.

Spiderboy · 30/03/2023 20:11

Neither of you are wrong, you’re just not compatible . I’d just cut ties now to be honest, it will build resentment on both sides.

CalistoNoSolo · 30/03/2023 20:11

Just cut him loose and find a teetotaler like you. If you're that anti-drinking it's never going to work with a drinker.

PifflePishAndPap · 30/03/2023 20:12

They? Is there more than one of them?

Christmascracker0 · 30/03/2023 20:12

No you aren’t unreasonable. I don’t drink either and wouldn’t like that! You need to end things with this person and find someone you are more compatible with ☺️

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 30/03/2023 20:13

Sounds a lot like this guy is doing more than drinking. It also sounds like you have pretty extreme views around drinking so it would be best for you to only date someone who also doesn’t drink, totally your prerogative. It will dramatically narrow your dating pool though.

what wouldn’t be fair is to start a relationship with someone who does drink and try to force them to change

Original poster

CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 20:16

My main issue with alcohol is when people can’t handle it and it starts affecting their behaviour, like them having a drink or two after work and then being able to act normal afterwards I don’t think would bother me as much but when they literally don’t answer any messages or calls for days afterwards because they are too hungover or ending up in the back of ambulances it’s just a bit too much for me to handle! X

OP posts:

CantSell · 30/03/2023 20:16

It’s absolutely fine for you to have zero tolerance for drinking. My sister is the same. I like a drink, though, so I could never be with a teetotaller. You’re just not compatible. It’s no one’s fault. You can’t change him, any more than he can change you. Just split up.

Tomkirkman · 30/03/2023 20:18

It’s absolutely fine. You aren’t compatible. That’s really ok to end the relationship.

But his friends are not a bad influence. He drinks til he gets drunk because because he enjoys it

GOODCAT · 30/03/2023 20:19

I am teetotal and married to someone who isn't. He wouldn't behave like your boyfriend and knows I wouldn't like it if he suddenly started doing that. No issue with anyone drinking except when it means their behaviour is unacceptable.

I would go your separate ways as you can do better.

twinklelight · 30/03/2023 20:19

I didn’t like how much my ex drank. I hardly drank at all so it really bothered me that he would waste days being hungover and spend so much money on alcohol. I finished with him because I didn’t want to be with someone who drank so much.

I’ve been with my current DP for 2 years and he doesn’t drink at all. We both enjoy the same things and really value making the most out of our weekends. I didn’t go out looking for someone who didn’t drink but was delighted when DP first told me he’s alcohol free.

Dovet · 30/03/2023 20:20

It’s fine. Just get rid and find someone who doesn’t drink.

BogRollBOGOF · 30/03/2023 20:26

You sound totally incompatible. It's early days, so why waste your time fruitlessly wanting to change someone with very different values. The chances of a happy outcome are minimal.

Different people have different boundaries. Wanting to be with someone teatotal isn't unreasonable, but could be restrictive. There are light drinkers out there that don't make a dick of themselves, buf it's up to you where to set your boundaries.

Redebs · 30/03/2023 20:27

OP your attitude to alcohol is not unreasonable nor unusual nowadays. You don't have to apologise for it.

It sounds like your boyfriend has problems with alcohol and that's a massive red flag for your relationship. Several of the incidents you describe when he's been drinking are classic alcohol abuse symptoms.

He's not going to change for you. There is a possibility that this will progress and end up with him developing alcoholism. That's a miserable way to live. Don't waste your life. Time to move on, I think.

dryingontheradiatior · 30/03/2023 20:29

You just don't sound compatible to be honest. There's nothing wrong with you not liking drinking and there's nothing wrong with what they currently do, it is also quite normal for that age.

IamnotSethRogan · 30/03/2023 20:30

I drink and I don't live like them so I wouldn't say it's specifically drinking that's the issue

AspiringMermaid · 30/03/2023 20:31

Your DP's attitude to drinking probably won't change, unless they have expressed a desire to drink more moderately?

I don't think you are unreasonable just different priorities and lifestyles. But if you want to still be with DP surely their communication can improve?
It is not normal to hear nothing for a day or two I'd worried sick. My DH goes out hard occasionally, if I didn't hear from him I'd message his friends (pretty close to them). How can your DP not send a text to tell they are safe? No hangover is that bad.

dryingontheradiatior · 30/03/2023 20:33

It also isn't only the drink think thats an issue.

I’ve started to notice they just have quite a chaotic life in general (they hardly eat, they hardly sleep, very unorganised) whereas I’m the complete opposite and thrive off consistency and routine.

He just sounds immature and like he has some growing up to do. It's ok to not want to waste your time.

TwilightSkies · 30/03/2023 20:38

You aren’t compatible.
As for going silent for days….he’s doing more thank being drunk/hungover.

Annon1234 · 30/03/2023 20:38

This is extreme there’s liking a drink and then not knowing when to stop. I’ve always liked a drink and a night out, never disappeared the days following a night out and never attracted drama. I think it’s the person your with rather than the alcohol

AllOfThemWitches · 30/03/2023 20:38

Why's everyone assuming boyfriend 🤔

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread