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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be with someone who drinks?

46 replies

CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 20:05

I don’t drink at all and I haven’t done for years now because I don’t like the way it makes people act sometimes and I don’t like not feeling in control of myself or feeling drunk etc (I’m late 20’s).

I recently started dating someone (towards the end of last year) but I’m starting to realise that their drinking habits are really starting to annoy me and it’s becoming more frequent. They are a bit younger than me (early to mid 20’s) so they like going out for a drink with their mates (they don’t have an alcohol problem, they just have a group of friends that are a bad influence) but it makes them act like a complete idiot most of the time because I personally think they can’t handle their drink. For example, they’ve passed out and injured themselves before, they usually attract drama whilst they are on a night out and nearly every time they go out and get drunk they’ll disappear for 1-2 days afterwards and I don’t hear from them at all because they are having to literally recover from it all.

They know my attitude towards drinking and they’ve said they’ll cut back a few times but then when they get around a certain group of people it all starts happening again. I’ve started to notice they just have quite a chaotic life in general (they hardly eat, they hardly sleep, very unorganised) whereas I’m the complete opposite and thrive off consistency and routine.

I know that I can’t control what they do but AIBU to not want to be with someone who drinks alcohol like this or am I overreacting and just being a kill joy?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 20:39

Thank you everyone for your responses, I wrote this today because it happened again a couple of days ago and they had only just got back in contact with me with a load of crappy excuses and I was just sick of it. I’ve called them out on their behaviour tonight and they’ve blocked me on everything and told me not to speak to them again… says it all really and I will be moving on with my life now… without them for sure!! X

OP posts:
Lovelyring · 30/03/2023 21:11

It's fine to feel how you feel.

I feel the same way about alcohol as you and there's no way I could be with this person. I've basically avoided drunk people my whole life. My DH and previous partners do have the odd drink but have never been drunk like you are describing during our relationship. It's a deal breaker for me. I don't care if it makes me a kill joy, it hasn't impacted me having a wide group of lovely friends who are light drinkers or tee-total too. I don't think I actually know anyone who still goes out and gets drunk in their 30s.

FrankColumbo · 30/03/2023 21:14

More than 1 day recovery = drugs, not just drink

DelphiniumBlue · 30/03/2023 21:19

I'd say someone who passes out and injures themselves when drinking does have a drinking problem, actually.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/03/2023 21:27

FrankColumbo · 30/03/2023 21:14

More than 1 day recovery = drugs, not just drink

False. If I drink to excess, my hangovers last for days.

Original poster
CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 21:27

@DelphiniumBlue they have a medical condition that causes them to faint but I’m 100% sure that their lifestyle makes it worse because it often happens more if they have been drinking or not sleeping (they regularly go over 24 hours with no sleep)

OP posts:
Squeezita · 30/03/2023 21:29

YANBU, I'm teetotal and whilst I'm fine with people having a drink around me, I get uncomfortable around drunk people. My DH doesn't drink either.

PinkSyCo · 30/03/2023 21:32

CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 20:39

Thank you everyone for your responses, I wrote this today because it happened again a couple of days ago and they had only just got back in contact with me with a load of crappy excuses and I was just sick of it. I’ve called them out on their behaviour tonight and they’ve blocked me on everything and told me not to speak to them again… says it all really and I will be moving on with my life now… without them for sure!! X

Oh well that’s that then. You don’t sound overly bothered so that’s a result I’d say.

5128gap · 30/03/2023 21:36

I'm not sure you need someone who doesn't drink at all, just someone who isn't displaying the warning signs they're a drink problem waiting to happen. Most people drink a lot in their 20s. Many do daft things. But within that, there are a few who stand out as the drunkest, the lairyest, the wildest. Scrappy, unpredictable and unreliable after a drink (often lovely otherwise) These are the high risk for ongoing problems, that can be masked within a culture where everyone drinks a lot. Your partner sounds like one of these and you'd be wise to move on.

girlfriend44 · 30/03/2023 21:37

CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 20:05

I don’t drink at all and I haven’t done for years now because I don’t like the way it makes people act sometimes and I don’t like not feeling in control of myself or feeling drunk etc (I’m late 20’s).

I recently started dating someone (towards the end of last year) but I’m starting to realise that their drinking habits are really starting to annoy me and it’s becoming more frequent. They are a bit younger than me (early to mid 20’s) so they like going out for a drink with their mates (they don’t have an alcohol problem, they just have a group of friends that are a bad influence) but it makes them act like a complete idiot most of the time because I personally think they can’t handle their drink. For example, they’ve passed out and injured themselves before, they usually attract drama whilst they are on a night out and nearly every time they go out and get drunk they’ll disappear for 1-2 days afterwards and I don’t hear from them at all because they are having to literally recover from it all.

They know my attitude towards drinking and they’ve said they’ll cut back a few times but then when they get around a certain group of people it all starts happening again. I’ve started to notice they just have quite a chaotic life in general (they hardly eat, they hardly sleep, very unorganised) whereas I’m the complete opposite and thrive off consistency and routine.

I know that I can’t control what they do but AIBU to not want to be with someone who drinks alcohol like this or am I overreacting and just being a kill joy?

Bin them off, I too would have nothing in common with a drinker and couldn't stand it.
Drinking has that horrible distinctive smell too.

piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 21:57

God, he sounds totally chaotic and immature.

What about work? Do they go to work after a bender or not? I couldn't be doing with that.

Original poster
CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 21:58

@piedbeauty yeah they do have a job which actually they do quite well but they can literally go to work at 5-6am in the morning after being out all night…

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeePlease9345 · 30/03/2023 21:59

@piedbeauty they have also missed shifts because they’ve been too smashed though or have ended up passing out etc and that’s usually when they disappear

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 22:09

Sounds like you are totally incompatible then. YANBU at all.

Mypatioisminging · 30/03/2023 22:11

Op I’m surprised at rhe question, you don’t have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t wish to for any reason. What’s happened rhat you aren’t aware of this?

Cosycover · 30/03/2023 22:13

Sounds like he's on the gear tbh.

sjxoxo · 30/03/2023 22:15

YANBU. I’m not anti alcohol and will drink occasionally but I wouldn’t be with someone who gets pissed regularly and loses control of themselves.. sounds v immature and not what you’re looking for. Xx

MissingMoominMamma · 30/03/2023 22:25

Sounds like an alcohol problem to me. It doesn’t sound like he can stop once he starts.

MissingMoominMamma · 30/03/2023 22:27

He or she. Sorry, I assumed.

Dreamer20 · 30/03/2023 22:28

Yanbu, it’s your life and it’s important to spend it with someone you’re compatible with.

FrankColumbo · 30/03/2023 23:07

AllOfThemWitches · 30/03/2023 21:27

False. If I drink to excess, my hangovers last for days.

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I stand corrected!

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