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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bully's mother - do I forgive

29 replies

Jennybeans401 · 30/03/2023 18:52

Dd was bullied by two girls, one in particular at her previous primary school. She has moved to a different school because the old school had no effective strategies for the bullying and the child was making dd's life a misery.

After leaving school we focused on settling dd in to her new class and this started to get better. She gained confidence and started to trust again. Two months after we left the bully's mother contacted me several times by text, WhatsApp, etc. I didn't open the messages but heard from another parent at the old school that the girl (bully) was missing dd and wanted to see her. At one point dd was close friends with this girl but things changed for the worse with the bullying. I've always maintained no contact with the mother, I couldn't see how it would be good for dd.

Fast forward to now, dd saw the girl in the park. My sister had taken the dcs out for me, dc played with this girl who had said to dd she wanted to meet up again. The girl's mother wanted to take a photo of the girls together but my sister said no. Dd is very trusting and a very young 10. She has asked me to arrange a meet up with this girl but I really feel our problems will start all over again. AIBU to say no on the grounds of what happened before?

OP posts:
Number24Bus · 30/03/2023 18:54

Absolutely no way would I agree to this. Bullying serious enough to move schools? Keep your DD away from her.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 18:55

Missing your dd? Too bloody bad imo! That madame doesn't get the chance to bully again. And block the dm's number..

Samsungwasher · 30/03/2023 18:56

I think it's fair enough to be polite, but say to the mum that you won't be arranging any more meetings. I might be tempted to add that her daughter needs to understand that bullying has consequences.

LlamaFace19 · 30/03/2023 18:58

Absolutely bloody not. She misses your DD? Shouldn't have bullied her, then.

Blossomandbee · 30/03/2023 18:59

No definitely not, keep the ties cut and let your dd have her fresh start.
Depending on your relationship with the bullies mum I would either block or send her a message making it clear you have no interest in getting them together and why.

Mythril · 30/03/2023 18:59

No, keep the distance between them. Why risk it?

The mum is giving off a vibe of wanting to rewrite history. If they become friends again and she can prove it with a photo on social media then her DD hasn't behaved that badly right 🙄

L3ThirtySeven · 30/03/2023 18:59

I agree. They should be kept apart. It’s no different to any abusive relationship. There’s the abuse, then the begging forgiveness, then the love bombing, then more abuse. The bully is in lovebombing mode to try and get DD back into being influenced by her- and it will end with more bullying.

If the child is no longer a bully, it’s best she start fresh with new friends, not your DD who has already been badly hurt.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 30/03/2023 19:00

My sister thinks I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:
L3ThirtySeven · 30/03/2023 19:01

Your sister is a third party, with an outside view. She has no say.

Pubesofsoberness · 30/03/2023 19:01

No, I would definitely not be arranging a meet up

lalaloopyhead · 30/03/2023 19:02

Absolutely not, especially not without acknowledgement of what has happened. Does the Mum know that your DD moved school because she was bullied by her DD?

My daughter was bullied by a 'friend', the Mum never said a word to me...still riles me years later and would still question why she never apologised for her child's behaviour.

OldEvilOwl · 30/03/2023 19:03

Absolutely no way! She doesn't get a chance to bully her again

BMW6 · 30/03/2023 19:03

This would be a good opportunity for the bullying child to learn her actions have consequences.

No, I would not risk my child's happiness for the sake of the child who made her life a misery.

And I'd tell the mother of bully all of the above.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 30/03/2023 19:04

Does the mum know what happened and that your dd had to move schools as a result? Def no more meeting up and tell the mum why (politely - maintain moral high ground), would be my course of action.

LuckyDonna · 30/03/2023 19:04

Definitely not. Particularly with your daughter being a young 10, this bully might be manipulating her by pretending to be her friend now. You need to maintain the "you're dead to me" stance on her behalf.

Mummyratbag · 30/03/2023 19:05

No, no and no again. By all means forgive, but don't forget. The child bullied yours out of her school! Let your daughter know it's OK to cut contact with people who treat her badly!

BartsLongLostBro · 30/03/2023 19:06

I said ur BU because you are considsring reinitiating contact. Just tell the mum the reason. She should be embarrassed. Has she apoligised? 10 years old is old enough to know better.

Brunts12 · 30/03/2023 19:06

Does that mother know that the reason you moved school was her daughter? I gather she doesn’t realise that?

ToWhitToWhoo · 30/03/2023 19:07

I think it's up to you. It does depend a bit on what the bullying consisted of; but at primary school age, some children can be bullies and end up quite reasonable people (and vice versa). I'm in the minority here in not automatically ruling out the occasional meet-up. However, it shouldn't be unsupervised, and no pictures should be permitted.

NumberTheory · 30/03/2023 19:08

I agree with keeping them apart.

I don’t think this is about forgiveness, your DD can forgive (and it sounds like she may have) without putting herself back in the same situation again. And you can forgive (if you wish) the bullying child without thinking it’s sensible for your DD to risk going back to a dynamic that hurt her.

Bullying is often about kids not having the tools or understanding to treat each other better. If there had been systematic, effective intervention at the school the bully might have learnt to behave better. But this didn’t happen. And while your DD has gained in confidence you sound like you think she may still be more vulnerable than average to being picked on. Nothing about that suggests things will be different now. Chances are they will fall back into the same dynamic.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 30/03/2023 19:08

I'd probably said when she said daughter was missing her "why has she not found anyone else to bully yet" but I don't recommend you take my advice. Unless you put it more tactfully.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 30/03/2023 19:20

I could swear this exact thread was on here a few months ago.

Finalstar · 30/03/2023 19:24

Did you post previously about the other Mum getting in touch and wanting to meet up? This feels very familiar....

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 30/03/2023 19:32

This thread sounds familiar but if it’s not, keep your DD away from both the mother and daughter.

As to your sister, sometimes outsiders can feel you or your DD isn’t tough or something else enough. When I was a teenager and had to move school due to bullies, one of my DM’s best friends who worked in publishing, sent her a book written about the school and its headmaster. I wanted my DM to get rid of this book and luckily she did so. I don’t think her friend had any idea of the extent to how I was bullied. So ignore your sister too.

billy1966 · 30/03/2023 19:32

I remember your last thread?

Absolutely not.

You were given a very straight answer I thought then by many posters.

Absolutely not.

Your daughter had to move school, which is really shocking.

You risk everything you have gained by moving by engaging again.

This woman could care less, and her daughter missing giving your daughter an emotional kicking is not your concern?

You daughter needs you to parent her.

Speak to her in simple language.

You moved her because she was so unhappy, and there is no way you will engaging with her regularly again.

Fine if you run into them, but to use the vernacular on here, her mother can sling her hook.

Absolutely not.

Do not doubt your early bravery.