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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You'll have to bow to me on this one

26 replies

AuntySandrasDauphinois · 30/03/2023 18:26

Is this a phrase you have heard and would use with your partner?

YABU-normal phrase to mean I am taking control here

YANBU-your husband is clearly a megalomaniac nobody would say this to someone they respected

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/03/2023 18:28

Having to "bow to someone" is familiar phrase but anyone who uses it about themselves is being a bit of a twat! I would not react well if dh said this to me!!

MrsBunnyEars · 30/03/2023 18:29

What? Er….. no, not normal.

Starseeed · 30/03/2023 18:29

Depends on the context/tone - if it’s said in a teasing way and meaning to look after you then I wouldn’t be worried, but if it’s in a controlling/mean way then it doesn’t sound healthy.

whateveryousay · 30/03/2023 18:30

I would laugh hysterically and tell DH to fuck right off if he said those words to me. However, there are instances, and it works both ways, where one if us has to get across that an issue is so very important to them, that the other must concede. This works well for us, as it’s rarely used, and we both have credibility. ‘Bow to me’ though. Fuck that.

Saschka · 30/03/2023 18:33

It’s a phrase I have only heard used by twatty men (I’ve heard plenty of people saying they will bow to somebody else’s superior knowledge, but very few people insisting other people need to bow to them).

But I don’t think this is a particular red flag for a relationship, more a sign that you are married to a fairly insufferable mansplainer.

ConcordeOoter · 30/03/2023 18:36

Weird, unless it's something you are legitimately the obvious authority on in the coversation.

Like eg if the disagreement is about brain surgery, the brain surgeon might legitimately say this to their partner a rocket scientist.

Botw1 · 30/03/2023 18:39

A phrase I've heard

No I wouldnt use it with my oh and if he used it with me it would be a fuck off

SpinCityBlues · 30/03/2023 18:41

I've only ever heard it said at work, by the person conceding, as in: 'I'm more than happy to bow to your superior knowledge on this, Brian'. Often said with a smile. In a collegiate way.

Never in a domestic setting.

Although I can imagine my ExH, who seems to have caught an extreme strain of The Smug, saying it these days tbf to his latest wyf.

L3ThirtySeven · 30/03/2023 18:47

It’s better than the “You’re going to be eating crow/humble pie on this one” phrases which mean the same thing. It also depends on context as to how it is said. Can be said nicely or nastily.

WeWereInParis · 30/03/2023 18:48

I can't really imagine DH saying it, but if he did it would definitely be done in a jokey way. Context and tone is quite important I think.

HowcanIhelp123 · 30/03/2023 18:50

I've heard it before, don't use it though. My DH hasn't heard it, but then again we're from different areas so could be a regional thing.

yogaretreat · 30/03/2023 18:51

I would say in a joking way "I'll bow to your extensive knowledge my love"

Wouldn't expect someone to say it about themselves no

unsync · 30/03/2023 18:52

I am going to assume you are fully aware you are married to a twat.

Original poster
AuntySandrasDauphinois · 30/03/2023 18:58

unsync · 30/03/2023 18:52

I am going to assume you are fully aware you are married to a twat.

Yes, increasingly so.

It was not said in a jokey way. It was said in an absolute tone. Followed up with "you know you're shit at xyz".

And actually afterwards all i said was that I had also had a long day and didn't appreciate being spoken to like that.

But apparently that is because my history means I have a problem with men. Not because it is an insane phrase to use with a partner.

OP posts:
unsync · 30/03/2023 21:08

Oh. There's a lot to unpick, there. What do you want to do?

Original poster
AuntySandrasDauphinois · 30/03/2023 21:12

Eugh I don't know 😫I just want him to stop being a wanker.

We have two toddlers and I feel like I have so much less energy for them because it's all being used up by him.

OP posts:
Ktime · 30/03/2023 21:16

Sounds like death by a thousand cuts.

'Just admit I'm right' would be better (if he was right, which I doubt).

Botw1 · 30/03/2023 21:20

What does he think you should bow down to him over ?

I hope you told him to fuck off

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2023 21:22

If it was about my own job or my own body or something, I could see myself using it with a smile. If I told DH about a work issue and he gave his uninformed opinion, I can see that.

General domestic stuff, fuck no.

BraveGoldie · 30/03/2023 21:27

I've only ever heard it in the reverse "Oh, I'll bow to your better judgement/ knowledge on that one" can be used sincerely or ironically. .. but the other way around is a totally twattish move!

Justforlaffs · 30/03/2023 21:31

Oh wow, I don't even know what to say to that.

Except he's a twat - but you already know that!

Original poster
AuntySandrasDauphinois · 30/03/2023 21:55

Yes in the reverse it is common- oh I'll bow to your superior knowledge.
But to say it about yourself is nuts. Like maybe, oh you'll have to trust me.

OP posts:
L3ThirtySeven · 01/04/2023 13:23

AuntySandrasDauphinois · 30/03/2023 18:58

Yes, increasingly so.

It was not said in a jokey way. It was said in an absolute tone. Followed up with "you know you're shit at xyz".

And actually afterwards all i said was that I had also had a long day and didn't appreciate being spoken to like that.

But apparently that is because my history means I have a problem with men. Not because it is an insane phrase to use with a partner.

Show quote history

Id be bothered by the tone and the “you know you’re shit at xyz” too. It’s the whole context really of how the “bow to me on this one” was said with the above and done with contempt. It’s got nothing to do with your history, he spoke to you with contempt, you pulled him up on it and he’s trying to make you seem unreasonable.

AgnesX · 01/04/2023 13:25

SpinCityBlues · 30/03/2023 18:41

I've only ever heard it said at work, by the person conceding, as in: 'I'm more than happy to bow to your superior knowledge on this, Brian'. Often said with a smile. In a collegiate way.

Never in a domestic setting.

Although I can imagine my ExH, who seems to have caught an extreme strain of The Smug, saying it these days tbf to his latest wyf.

Collegiate. You mean passive aggressive snideness😁

CrystalCoco · 01/04/2023 13:26

Does he usually going around saying shit like this or is it a one-off? Sometimes things pop out of our mouths that we wish hadn't / come out the wrong way.