To not give a funeral speech about my dad.

[SpringPortWine]

My dad is dying and my mother has already hinted she wants a big service with lots of speeches.
The thing is my dad prefers my younger brother to the point that no 1 refers to him, and I'm known as no 1 daughter by my dad or no 2 by my brother.

My dad gave a terrible speech 20 years ago at my wedding, I wonder if my mum kept it, it was a bit snippy, drawing attention to failures, what you taken on, etc with a sprinkling of performance love.

I understand he's a product of his time but we haven't got on for decades and me having children didn't help just gave him more excuses to criticise or embarrass me.

AIBU to not give a speech at all.

Well you could give an honest one about what a pretty shit Dad and Grandad he's been but I don't suppose that's what your Mum wants.
I would most definitely say no.

Say no. You can always say it will be too difficult emotionally.

In your situation, I don’t think I’d want to give a speech either perhaps another way is to opt to do a reading or to find a bit of poetry.

Absolutely you can say no. Even if you got on really well, theres still no obligation to give a speech at his funeral.

YANBU - My Mum died recently. I won't be speaking at her funeral - she wanted a Church Service and that's what she's getting. I have given the minister a summary of her life and achievements.

no one should be pressured to speak at a funeral regardless of the reasons

YANBU. I didn't at my father's funeral. I never liked him, he also did a pass agg speech at my wedding, and I couldn't think of a thing I could say that didn't mean lying.

I'm sorry OP, I know this brings up all sorts of difficult feelings.

You could suggest you give an honest and true representation of him in a speech. Perhaps that'll take your DM's pressure off you.

No , you aren’t being unreasonable not to speak. He doesn’t merit what your mum is wanting. She has obviously pretended that the speech at your wedding didn’t happen. Mothers are very good at stonewalling difficulties from the past.
My mother was awful to me as a child, so the grieving process for me didn’t happen when she passed two years ago. My father died many years ago and was mentally abusive to me. So, look after your own MH and decline the funeral.

Lots of people don't give speeches at a loved ones funeral and opt for the minister or celebrant to do it. Just tell your DM that you don't feel emotionally able to do it. Maybe a reading or poem would be a compromise if you feel able.

One of my aunts did this when my grandmother died. It was a fairly searing assessment of her personality and quite frankly was spot on.

I feel for you OP.

I think you can refuse. For your own reasons. And i hope that you are able to know in your heart that you are fine and your dad had issues that had nothing to do with who you are. xx

It's absolutely fine not to want to make a speech. I know I wouldn't want to do it.

Be sure won't care. I didn't and never looked back. (But i did a bit) But check yourself that younactually don't care. If you don't more power to you.

Say no. You don't want to and that is a good enough reason

Nobody is obliged to give a speech at a funeral. Just say that you really aren't comfortable doing that and then leave it.

Is your mother giving a speech herself or is she just giving orders and expecting everyone else to do it instead?

We buried my Mum about a month ago and neither my sister or I spoke during the service.

If your Mum keeps pushing just say you'll be too upset to speak and rinse & repeat as necessary.

My mum is giving orders and he's not even cold. She's done nothing but moan, loudly, on speaker phone whenever I've rung over the last three years about my dad not doing enough DIY, gardening or decluttering and now she's revving up to have had the romance and marriage that poets sing about.

I don't care and then I care that I don't care, so it's going to be interestingly complicated

Stick to your guns and say no. It's a funeral not a theatre performance. Do what you're comfortable with.

Be true to yourself. That way you are certain you will have no regrets. Support her as much as you can. And take care of yourself. You too are grieving. A lot. All the best OP.

Do whatever will cause you the least aggro. Either say you won't do it as it's too difficult, or the previous suggestion of reading a poem is a good one if saying something will ultimately be the easier route.

Prioritise yourself.

If he is cremated then you will have a very finite amount of time for the service. There will be no time for loads of speeches. Could you offer to do a reading or poem? It can be short.

Agree with the previous posts - no need for you to say anything and favourite sibling can do all that.

Unless of course you wanted to say ‘ on behalf of my mother I would like to mention that my father did not do enough DIY, gardening or decluttering’ and then sit down ……… and watch the resulting reaction!!!

I think these speeches are really harrowing for people grieving, both the ones doing it and the ones listening. If you don't want to don't. these times are hard enough.

I think it would verge on dishonesty given your feelings. Doing a reading might be a way to participate and remain honest.

When my father died everyone looked to me to give a speech.

I refused.

He was an arsehole and I didn’t want to pretend he wasn’t.

One of my sisters felt the same but did give a reading.