Discipline for just under 2 year old

[Unrulywifey81]

Youngest is 2 in July and Dh and I are at loggerheads over how to discipline him

He is a very active little boy, not many words yet (car, dog, mama, dada) that's about it so gets frustrated easily when trying to tell us what he wants

If he wants someone to play with him or go somewhere will come over and get try and get us to stand up and show us etc. Can be a bit grabby with his brother and his toys (oldest is 7) and if he is ever too rough we always remind to use gentle hands.

Dh wants to use the step as punishment when he has a tantrum or gets too upset. I think he is too young yet to really comprehend. Dh had put youngest on the step a few times and after a few minutes of crying he does calm down but then goes and does the same thing again.

We're now not talking as I was playing with youngest the other day and he wad frustrated over one of his toys. Dh was on nights and said he could hear him screaming from the bedroom so asked why I didn't put him on the step, I explained I was trying to work through what was frustrating him and this had caused an almighty row and being called a rubbish parent and that I'm raising a split brat etc.

I can't remember what we did with the eldest however although I don't think we used the step until a lot later and they've turned into a lovely, well mannered, thoughtful child.

Any suggestions?

Your DH is a stupid twat!

At that age your son is still learning to communicate with you and punishing him with the naughty step is not the solution to any behaviour that you don't like. Fair enough to try it when he's at least 3yrs old.

Patience, love and understanding are all he needs at the moment.

DS also 2 in July and we’re struggling with knowing what to do for discipline so will watch with interest. I was leaving things like the step until he was a bit bigger and could understand. I do think the step should be used for intentionally bad behaviour rather than an expression of emotions though. For frustration I get down to his level, get him to look at me and say “I know you’re frustrated we can’t do X, let’s do Y instead”.

My baby is 18 months. She's learning to communicate too and does have quite a few words but still gets frustrated and has tantrums. I can appreciate it's tough doing shifts with young kids but a few tantrums isn't going to turn them into a spoilt brat. I'd be telling him to get over himself and I wouldn't use the naughty step for such a young child. Your son really isn't doing anything out of the ordinary.

“The step” is supposed to work by giving the child time to think about what they did and why they shouldn’t do it again, by understanding that they are currently being punished with withdrawal of affection and freedom as a result of their actions.

Children aren’t developmentally ready for that level of logic and inference till at least 9.
They don’t have impulse control or empathy until much later than 2.

So how the actual fuck is your barely speaking 2yr old BABY supposed to benefit from punishment and isolation for doing entirely developmentally expected things???

Your husband is a moron. If he can’t understand how the naughty step is supposed to work and what age it’s appropriate for, how the fuck is a 2 year old supposed to understand the concept?

You can't discipline a baby. It's ridiculous. Anyone who believes you can is wrong and a bit thick.

You just have to have bags of patience and go with the flow. Distraction, ignoring tantrums until they pass, making sure they're safe.

Completely agree with you and all other comments here, the step is a good tool however only when they comprehend what is happening and why. He is way too young yet, get some supernanny on for OH

He doesn't have the communication skills and understanding for the naughty step. My son is much older but because of his disability will be in many ways developmentally to your son and I have never used naughty step type punishment. If he being rough you may need to move him away from his brother but not as a punishment but to put a stop to it and enable him to calm down.
When you are saying gentle hands etc you may want to think about the tone of voice you are using because it needs to be calm and quiet but also firm like you mean it.

Your husband is completely clueless.

Ignore the sales guff on here; this is actually a very good explanation that might make sense to DH 👍

https://keepingyourcoolparenting.com/why-timeouts-dont-work-and-what-to-do-instead/

We didn't use the step until much later (probably 2 and a half?) and we don't use it as a punishment but as a place where they can go and calm themselves down. We also use it if they're doing something dangerous and need to be taken away from the situation. Sometimes we sit with them on it to help them chill out a bit!

It's very difficult to know the best thing to do with them when their communication still isn't great. I don't think your DH is necessarily in the wrong to suggest the step as in that situation you've described, it would have been taking him away from a frustrating place for him and letting him calm down (I'd have sat with him in that instance). Again at that age, I would shout "NO" quite firmly if they were about to do something dangerous/violent!

Your DH is being unreasonable, I don't think the 'naughty step' works when they're as young as that. It may not work at all.
However as a shift worker I can completely understand his frustration at being disturbed by small children while in bed after a night shift. Not that it justifies calling you names. Think how you would feel if you were woken in the middle of the night to similar.

www.supernanny.co.uk/AMP/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Discipline-and-Reward/The-Naughty-Step-~-what-is-it-and-how-does-it-work.aspx

This is the supernanny info on the naughty step, it says not to use it before 3 years of age. It clearly isn't appropriate for a baby!

Couldn't imagine doing that with my nearly 2 year old, how on earth is your 20 month old supposed to understand? Your husband is totally clueless

Also If he wants someone to play with him or go somewhere will come over and get try and get us to stand up and show us etc.

This is totally normal, what's wrong with that?

Definitely no step as others have said he’s too tiny to understand. My 2 yo struggles to calm down at times (totally normal of course!) and we just remove her from the situation and say “do you need sone crying time?” And then just sit with her till she calms down. Sometimes she wants to be alone (but I will stay nearby just quiet) or sometimes to be cuddled. It’s just when the situation is too much for her to give her processing time. It’s definitely not a punishment.

It is clear from your description your child is a typical toddler, low impulse control - they are programmed that way!

At that age I was similar to you, I repeated the Creche sayings "kind hands" etc and used distraction as much as possible. While explaining to older siblings we have a toddler they are a little eh, feral at times but they would learn.

I would be asking DH does he think the two year old can cross the road - if not why not? that might help him realise that your little one is just not there developmentally yet - he isn't meant to be.

This punishment will just make the child more frustrated in my opinion rather than teach anything.

The behaviour sounds completely normal. The twos mean big feelings and exploring these for your child. They're not naughty they just cannot control their feelings.

Some people call them "the terrible twos", also lack of speech and therefore communication doesn't help his case. Big emotions and feelings are to be expected.

@Unrulywifey81 can I suggest a really useful book (and make sure that dh reads it), called ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ by Joanna Faber and Julie King? It has loads of great ways to help in the situations you describe, I really wish id read this when my kids were little, my daughter came across this series of books and finds it incredibly useful!

You don’t punish children that young. You distract them. You guide them to a more productive activity. You explain the danger in certain behaviours. You model kindness and sharing.

If your husband has anger issues you get the children away from him.

Actually, one thing just popped into my mind. When my eldest was about 5 we had a short spell of purposeful naughty behaviour - we knew what the underlying issue was and it was short lived.

Anyway, time out was the advice of the day but it didn't work - what did work was putting his favourite teddy on time out - so maybe when he is older you may want to consider putting teddy on time out - I jest but looking back now over a decade later and I remember fondly him talking to teddy and explaining he had to behave!

He is a grand teen I am very proud of now but this just triggered a very happy memory.

I’ve started reading “How to talk so little kids will listen”.

It’s a bit repetitive with all the examples but it has changed my perspective.

I’ve come to the realisation that I can’t actually force my child to do anything, and life will be pleasanter if I can create an environment where he wants to cooperate.

Just say no, give a very brief explanation and distract by redirecting into something else. I know some people don’t like ‘no’ but at that age I’ve found it’s actually a word they understand so I’ve found they cotton on quite quickly that it’s undesirable behaviour. Time out is fine IMO, they used it at DD’s school nursery and in reception, although they called it ‘thinking spot’, so we did too for consistency and it works, but it’s definitely for over 3s.

My DD is in Y1 so this was less than a year ago…