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Original poster

Would you have your elderly mother live with you

34 replies

Valerie65 · 30/03/2023 01:24

My mum has become increasingly mentally dependant on my sister & I since our df died. She is still fairly fit physically, but has increasing depression, anxiety, bad nerves, loneliness etc. She can't stand being in the marital home any longer. There doesn't seem to be much around She could move into & doesn't want to go I'm a care home yet. She's going to see a Councillor in a couple of weeks & has started on antidepressants. In the meantime she only seems to be able to cope if she's at either of our houses. If we allowed it she would definately move in, although she doesn't want to be a burden & knows its not fair on our marriages. My dh gets on fine with her bit is becoming very frustrated with not feeling like his home is our sanctuary anymore. He couldn't have her living here full time. I have offered to stay at hers for a full week every other week, but he thinks that put a strain on our marriage. I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm torn between the two & we could have years of this

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 30/03/2023 01:38

My mum got very down and negative after my dad died. Eventually, we got the doctor to put her on an antidepressant, Sertraline, and she's the happiest she's ever been. I think you should let the ADs kick in. I wouldn't get her dependant to staying at yours. Maybe stay at hers a night or two a week and then cut back to not staying there at all. And find some clubs that she can go to during the day to get some company. You need to get something other than you to become her focus of attention.
It's a new chapter in her life that shes being forced to enter and it must be so hard. It's a big change that just takes some time to adjust to, but most people do in time.
Good luck. (Your husband sounds very sweet.)

Original poster
Valerie65 · 30/03/2023 01:53

@MarshaMelrose she's been on the tablets for about a month now & not any better. She has become dependant on us. She stays at our house Saturday until Sunday night every other weekend, same at my sisters. Then she stays a couple or three midweek nights at my sisters. Generally she only has two or three nights on her own in her house. This week she couldn't go to sisters as she has covid so she's been here since Tuesday night, & going home late tomorrow night. Then if sister is still ill at weekend she'll want to be with us again, then we're having her all from Good Friday til easter Monday as sister is away. We're getting our weekend away the week after when sister is back. This is how it goes & I think it's too much. I just don't know. Our dad died two years ago & she hasn't even started to pick herself up

OP posts:
HighInfidelity · 30/03/2023 01:56

I do think it’s normal for people to need others around them. If you and your sister aren’t able to have your mum live with you, which I completely understand, would she be willing to look at moving to a retirement village or similar where she has others around her that she can spend time with?

Wingedharpy · 30/03/2023 02:16

Is she frightened being at home on her own?
Would moving to a smaller property nearer to you and your DS be a possibility? - that way, she can have some contact but no need to stay over with you.
Does she have any friends?
Does she have any hobbies/interests than she could be encouraged to pursue?
Antidepressants can take up to 6 weeks to have any effect - and sometimes, may need to be changed if they're not helping.
She's entitled to be down and negative - she's bereaved and probably somewhat bereft.
I mean it kindly OP, when I say you will be doing her no favours if you move in with her every other week.
She won't know what she's able to deal with, until she does it.
I speak as a relatively recent widowed woman, living alone myself.
Is she Internet savvy? - there are some bereavement forums which can be useful if she has a need to discuss her grief in the wee small hours eg. www.sueryder.org
Good luck and commiserations to your Mum.

MarshaMelrose · 30/03/2023 02:20

Two years is a long time for her not to have started to adjust. If her ADs aren't working, could she try an alternative? Is it that she can't bear being at home because it makes her feel sad? Would she consider selling and starting afresh, somewhere with no memories?
I really would start to detach her from you. I don't mean horribly but in a positive way. I'd move her back to hers and you/sister stay there two nights a week, then cut down to one night and then no nights. I think her being at yours is not doing her any favours because unless she goes into a retirement flat, where she can live an independant life but where there are communal activities and a warden, she needs to form friendships of her own. Instead you're allowing her to get more and more dependent on you which isn't sustainable. And she needs a social life if her own.
Maybe you and your sister could go with her to some clubs or get togethers initially to give her some support? You need to kind of move her focus from you to other people. All so much easier said than done. I know from experience!
Ultimately, you might have to be more tough with her and give her some choices of how she can live her life...your house not being one.
You, your husband and your sister sound like wonderful family. You really do. Your mum is lucky to have you.

TheTeenageYears · 30/03/2023 03:09

What about an over 60's apartment? She would still have her own space but with the option of meeting people in a communal lounge and a manager on hand through the week for a little bit of support.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 30/03/2023 03:25

HighInfidelity · 30/03/2023 01:56

I do think it’s normal for people to need others around them. If you and your sister aren’t able to have your mum live with you, which I completely understand, would she be willing to look at moving to a retirement village or similar where she has others around her that she can spend time with?

Agreed, my mum is very passive and is thriving in a retirement village because all the companionship and activity is basically spoon fed to them, she doesn't have to make any effort!

Fansandblankets · 30/03/2023 06:38

No I wouldn’t. My FIL was the same a few years back. We found a really lovely warden controlled place about 5 minutes away. It’s been 100% better for him. He’s still independent but there are others around him and a warden on call. It also a lot cheaper for him with the bills and stuff.

ScrumpyTree · 30/03/2023 06:43

Yes.

My DF died recently and we're currently looking at buying a property big enough for our family and my mum.

She certainly couldn't move into our current home as it would be too intense.

But once we have our own lounges and bathrooms etc it'll be much more feasible.

MissSueFlay · 30/03/2023 07:54

My DM has bought a flat which is a half-way house between living on her own and going into a care home. It's one of these 'active retirement communities' - look up Churchill's or McCarthy Stone. It's a block of flats but there's a restaurant, communal lounge, activities, large maintained garden, cleaner, etc. Now she has company she's less dependent on my sister and I. We did consider pooling resources and buying a bigger house together, but it would have changed our lives too much, mostly because of the kind of person she is. You might not have that aspect to consider.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 30/03/2023 07:57

If I had moved my mother in, it would have ended my marriage. I also doubt very much that I would still be alive. Read into that what you will.

thegreenlight · 30/03/2023 08:29

We are building a bungalow at the bottom of the garden for my mum. She’s getting to choose everything and it’s giving her a fresh start. We had an architect design it while my dad was still alive just in case and sadly it proved to be a timely decision (she was not involved in the building plan as that was dictated by our odd shaped garden and the likelihood of achieving planning. She absolutely wouldn’t move in with us but this is a happy medium. She has her own space but is as close as if she lived across the road!

Creditonian · 30/03/2023 09:15

Valerie65 · 30/03/2023 01:24

My mum has become increasingly mentally dependant on my sister & I since our df died. She is still fairly fit physically, but has increasing depression, anxiety, bad nerves, loneliness etc. She can't stand being in the marital home any longer. There doesn't seem to be much around She could move into & doesn't want to go I'm a care home yet. She's going to see a Councillor in a couple of weeks & has started on antidepressants. In the meantime she only seems to be able to cope if she's at either of our houses. If we allowed it she would definately move in, although she doesn't want to be a burden & knows its not fair on our marriages. My dh gets on fine with her bit is becoming very frustrated with not feeling like his home is our sanctuary anymore. He couldn't have her living here full time. I have offered to stay at hers for a full week every other week, but he thinks that put a strain on our marriage. I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm torn between the two & we could have years of this

Jeez - offering to stay at her house is generous in the extreme - for a week!! I definitely sympathise btw

Hbh17 · 30/03/2023 09:18

No. Never. No Way.
You are not responsible for your mother, so she has to work this out for herself and not depend on you and your sister.
Your husband has to be the priority here.

L1ttledrummergirl · 30/03/2023 09:29

Mil moved into an over 60s complex when fil died. The community there supported each other and she became much less dependent on her dc.

It was also good because when she had a fall, she had a link to call or help, she had aids to support her and a network of people who worked within the community.
An amazing lady started as her cleaner but did courses in massage to further her skills, mil loved these. When mil needed end of life care, the network was in place to help us to support her.

It was the best thing she could have done.

Coastalvenues · 30/03/2023 09:34

No I wouldn't have an elderly parent live with me in a million years I'm afraid

toomuchlaundry · 30/03/2023 09:42

Much as I love my mum and much as my DH loves her, it would a no. After DF died she moved into a retirement flat near us and is still pretty independent as reaches her 90s.

I always wonder what happens in families that move in one parent, what happens if there is another parent who might need help a few years later? MIL and FIL are divorced and okay to live independently at the moment but both are beginning to suffer ill health (slightly younger than my DM). If we had moved DM in after DF died, what happens to MIL and FIL when they need more care?

Chickenly · 30/03/2023 09:42

Yes I would, for two reasons:

  1. My siblings live abroad, I’m the only child who can shoulder any caring burden.
  2. I have a separate area of my home with its own living space/bedroom/kitchen etc. I wouldn’t do it if it meant I was losing my “sanctuary” or causing DH to lose his.

I would do it because I’m in the lucky position to do so without sacrificing as much as others would and because I’m unfortunate enough to be the only person who can.

JussathoB · 30/03/2023 09:46

Hi OP, it’s clear you and your sister are doing a lot to support your mum. However I would absolutely not have your DM move in with either of you. I think it’s a mistake for her to become so dependent on you. Everyone needs their own space and their own life.
Continue trying to support but I don’t think having to stay over at hers for a full week every other week would be reasonable at all.
Investigate other accommodation for her- possibly she could move to a flat or small house nearer to you or your sister? Would she feel safer and less lonely in an independent living place? Try to get her involved in some sort of activity or hobby which might provide company even if it’s just one morning a week. Use technology eg face time to reduce the need to stay over with her. Help her find ways to soothe herself- music, lighting at home.
Good luck. I think the real issue is sorting out some new accommodation for her, but not in your house!!

funnelfan · 30/03/2023 09:54

You don’t say how old she is, but if she moves in with you then you’re signing up for the rest of her life. Realistically, she won’t always be fit and independent, how will you manage when she starts to get frail? Will you become her carer? It’s a massive ask, it’s not just like having a lodger.

She needs help to regain confidence in a degree of independent living, as PP have said

Sorryyoufeelthatway · 30/03/2023 09:56

A move to sheltered accommodation with activities and a warden would be good. Do not underestimate the stress on your health and marriage. Good luck!

Theelephantinthecastle · 30/03/2023 09:57

How old is she?

What happens if you're unavailable? E.g. if you said you were away over Easter?

I think in consultation with your sister you should gradually be less available. Move to she is on her own 3-4 nights from 2-3 and then gradually keep upping it from there. She isn't going to make any changes while you make it so easy for her.

2022again · 30/03/2023 10:01

depending on how old she is this could be your future for the next 30 years! this only works if you have a spouse and children that are fully in agreement. Bereavement is a terrible place to be in and at 2 years she may only be just beginning to work through her grief, so look at whatever support she needs to come to terms with the loss of her life partner, its not a quick fix ( so your idea of sometimes staying at hers may well help)but people can start to live a more fulfilled life.....often there are groups locally, does she have any particular interests?...but long term she may prefer to be in a retirement complex.

Finesterre · 30/03/2023 10:02

A month is not really long enough for anti-depressants to start working properly - give it it another few weeks and see how she is.

finalwhistle · 30/03/2023 10:04

It would be a firm no from me.

My DF is similar (not as bad as your dm) but has mental health issues along with some physical ones and there's no way I could have him living here, it would ruin my own mental health completely.